This is a special episode of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews "Alexis Texas: The Movie" and "Alexis Texas Guitar Hero". Alexis Texas is Suzy Johnson's alter ego. Carl obviously DOES NOT like this franchise.
Memorable Quotes in Part 1
Carl: Hi, I'm Carl and I review terrible songs. One of the songs I've been asked to review is "Can't Be Tamed" by Suzy Johnson.
Suzy: I can't be tamed, I can't be changed, I can't be blamed...
Carl: Yes, you can be blamed, Suzy. I was, indeed, going to review your terrible, terrible song. But before I even got the chance to listen to it a few times, that single sank like the Titanic.
Carl: This is really embarrassing. I'm not the best person to be reviewing this movie because, to be honest, I haven't watched much of the show.......Actually, I did watch about ten minutes of it in a hotel room once, and after that brief interaction, my premise of the show is this. A, Jack Johnson can't act, B, whatever this is needs to die, and C, Suzy Johnson plays Suzy Johnson who lives a double life as pop star Alexis Texas!
Carl: We start off the movie with a bunch of obnoxious screaming teenage girls, clamboring to get into an Alexis Texas concert, including, for some reason, our main character and her best friend, Isabella.
Suzy: (talking to a ticket lady) We have to get in there!
Isabella: Yeah, our names are on the list!
Ticket Lady: (nicely) Isn't that nice? (rudely) In your dreams, sweet cheeks!
Isabella: (pulls Suzy aside) You are the only pop star I know that can't get into her own concert!
Carl: (laughs) Wow. She can't get into her own concert. How does that happen? Actually, that's a legitimate question. How DOES that happen?
Carl: Despite the secret life thing, being a megastar is clearly going to Suzy's head, like "gee, who could have realized?" Her agent, Lindana, who also had a career, takes her out shopping instead of doing important things, like seeing her brother Jeremy off to college, or attending Isabella's birthday party. She also gets in a shoe fight with Candace Flynn, who I am also informed is another celebrity of some kind.
(screen shows Suzy and Candace fighting over shoes)
Candace: (holding the shoes above her head) YES! YES! (Suzy throws a purse over Candace's head and Candace trips and falls to the floor)
Carl: Okay, this is stupid. I find it hard to believe that one of our seasoned and mature singers would lower herself to fighting publicly with a dumb, busting-her-brothers starlet like Candace Flynn.
Carl: They attract paparazzi, which means that Alexis can't change back into Suzy, and she ends up upstaging Isabella at her own birthday party.
Phineas: (about to kiss Isabella until he sees Suzy dressed as Alexis) Alexis Texas!? (drops Isabella to the bottom of a skate ramp. Isabella screams, but Phineas doesn't seem to care.)
Suzy: Happy birthday, Isabella! Happy birthday!
Isabella: (angrily leaves the party)
Carl: Suzy gets dragged into performing because somehow the band knows Alexis Texas's music by heart, and (sarcastically) Oh no, Isabella's rollercoaster-skateboarding-millions-of-people birthday party is ruined.
(screen shows Carl in a dark room by himself wearing a party hat and blowing a noisemaker)
Annotation: Carl's last birthday
Jack: (angrily) A shoe fight!? You got into a stinkin' shoe fight!? This is absolutely, tink-totally, without a doubt unacceptable!
Carl: Yeah, I'm sure Suzy misses the days where the only trouble she could get into is fighting over shoes. (pictures of Suzy making duckfaces and barely wearing clothes pop up).
Jack: Suzy, all you wanted to do was sing. Alexis let you do that, and you still have a normal life.
Carl: She's already scarred by paparazzi, and if a child star's life wasn't screwed up enough, why not add a pile of secrecy and lies? That's an interesting definition of "normal life", Jack.
Suzy: So you're saying that I can never be Alexis again?
Jack: .....Ask me again in two weeks.
Suzy: TWO WEEKS!?
Jack: Think of this as "Alexis Detox".
Carl: Because Jack Johnson has raised such an entitle (bleep) of a daughter, they rightly leave her (bleep) on the side of the road. Fortunately, there's a horse for her to ride on, and a love interest to help her out.
Irving: ....Suzy? We were in first grade together.
Suzy: (annoyed) I remember you, okay?
Irving: I guess I had a pretty big crush on you back then...don't worry...I'm over it....
Carl: As if Alexis Texas wasn't enough of a girly fantasy, we've now added ponies and boys (pictures of Fluttershy and Taylor Lautner pop up). Throw in some sparkly vampires, and you'll have everything.
Carl: They make it back to the house, where their cousin Cain is hanging out for some reason, and we meet Jack's new love interest, played by....oh, Morgan, no! (shows the woman from "Get That Bigfoot Out of My Face" who was Doof's internet date) I didn't think you could sink any lower than dating Heinz Doofenshmirtz, but Jack Johnson, that does it for you.
(screen shows Jack trying to woo Morgan, but fails)
Carl: See if you can guess what happens next. Does Jack, A, discuss the political ramifications of Iran's nuclear system, or B, bumble into the plates like a moron? If you guessed A, then please, go see a doctor.
Jack: (bumps into the plates)
Hildegard Johnson: (Screams)
(All plates except for an Elvis one breaks. Jack saves it)
Jack: Thank God this was safe. (throws his hands up in the air, and the Elvis plate hits a fan and breaks)
(Scene switches to show Irving and Albert in a car accident that is Irving's fault)
Irving: ........(in an Urkel way) Did I do that? (laugh track plays)
Suzy: (looks at a picture of a younger version of herself with her mom. It comes to life)
Carl: (sarcastically) Whoa, are we in Hogwarts now!? You're a wizard, Alexis!
Carl: Let's step out of the plot for a second to see Suzy's brother Jeremy horse around with wild animals! Wait, they said he was at college? Whatever!
Jeremy: Who wants to see a real, live alligator!?
Little Kids: (cheer)
Jeremy: (gets attacked by an alligator and gets dragged underwater)
Carl: He's dead.....Perfectly fine with me.
Carl: We meet the villain of this movie, played by Roger Doofenshmirtz.
Hildegard: The mayor of the town died a few years ago. Many business people are thinking of putting up shopping malls. If they get their way, there won't be any open land left.
Suzy: (excitedly) A mall!? Really!?
Carl: (sarcastically) Oh, no, not a mall! If they build one, we'll actually have something to do around here than throw pig manure at each other!
Hildegard: Do you want to buy something?
Suzy: No thanks, I'm good.
Hildegard: (angrily) Listen, missy! You may be Alexis Texas back home, but here we aren't rich as gold!
Carl: (in a sarcastic country accent) We wear burlap sacks and like it.
Carl: Around this time, Suzy tries to practice writing a song outside of the mainstream world.
Suzy: (singing while playing a guitar) It's kind of funny, it's kind of funny how that voice inside your head says, you're just a phony...
Carl: But uh oh, here comes Irving to use his country boy charm to tell her that her song sucks, despite hearing four lines of it.
Irving: It's not bad, it just wasn't...
Suzy: (sighs in an annoyed way) Good.
Irving: ...about music. It doesn't tell me anything about who you are or what you feel.
Carl: Remember that scene for later.
Carl: Also, if you're wondering why Irving's hanging around, then here's why.
Irving: I made a deal with Hildegard. I finish rebuilding the coop, I get to sell the eggs.
Suzy: (sarcastically) That's a lot of rebuilding.
Irving: Hey, you gotta start somewhere.
Carl: Sure you gotta do what you gotta do, even if the best you can do is awful grunge work like that. I'm sure he'd have a better time if they had, oh, I don't know, A MALL!
Carl: We now cut to the big benefit concert so the town can save their land, I'm sorry, their EMPTY FREAKING FIELD (screen shows a picture of an empty field) for being a beneficial part of the town.
Mindy: (walks on the stage) I'm gonna slow this one down a little. (starts singing "Crazier" by Taylor Swift)
Carl: Look, it's that other teen pop chick who actually writes her own music and plays an instrument. Yeah, Suzy, I'd hustle before you get upstaged.
Irving: You should go up there, Suzy.
Carl: (sighs) Can I say something?
Suzy: You guys don't mind?
Carl: I've watched "Grease 2".
Suzy: I'm gonna add a little hip-hop to this hoedown.
Carl: I've watched "Glee: The P&F Version".
Suzy: (rapping) Boom boom clap, boom-de-clap-de-clap...
Carl: I've watched two of the "Danville School Musicals".
Suzy: I'm gonna tell you about a beat that's gonna make you move your feet...
Carl: But this is the worst musical number that I've ever seen in a movie.
Suzy: (singing) Zig-zag, cross the floor, shuffle in diagonal...
Carl: Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god, I hate this!.........And I can't sleep at night....I have these horrible thoughts in my head that just won't go away....You know what, what's the point of this? What's the point of anything? Why am I still here right now? Why don't I just go ahead and ki--(song ends) It's over. Thank God. Sorry, that song takes me to some weird places.
Hildegard: (sees Roger Doofenshmirtz and becomes angry) You've got a lot of nerve coming in here!
Roger: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was a community gathering.
Hildegard: Community!? You wouldn't even know what that means!
Roger: I do know. And you'll never save your precious set of land, not if the Baljeatles show up for a benefit concert!
Carl: Master of Roger Doofenshmirtz, everyone. Did the guy do ANY market research? The whole town seems to hate the mall. And I'm also wondering, are they expecting Alexis Texas fans, who probably love malls, who probably watched this movie IN a mall, to sit there and go "yeah, down with malls!"?
Roger: And you'll never save your precious set of land, not if the Baljeatles show up for a benefit concert!
Irving: Suzy knows Alexis Texas.
Everyone: (stares at Suzy)
Suzy: (nervously) ....I guess I could give her a call?
Carl: (sarcastically) Oh my god, Suzy and Alexis in the same town at the same time? How are they gonna pull that off? A ZANY SCHEME, PERHAPS?
(shows Isabella climbing out of a limo dressed as Alexis Texas)
Carl: You see, ISABELLA is passing HERSELF off at Alexis Texas. The wig doesn't just turn Suzy into Alexis, it can turn ANYONE into Alexis.
(A picture of Ferb wearing an Alexis Texas wig pops up)
Carl: (sarcastically) Oh my god, it's Alexis Texas!
Suzy: I'll never let Alexis come between us again.
Morgan: Suzy? Can I speak to you and Alexis for a minute?
Isabella: (panics and takes the wig off) You be Alexis.
Suzy: No, you be Alexis!
Isabella: I can't be Alexis! YOU be Alexis!
Suzy: No, YOU!
Isabella: (snapping her fingers at Suzy) Stop doing this!
Carl: (rolls his eyes) They may fight a lot, but the makeup scenes are amazing. Also, think about it, Isabella! If Suzy puts on the wig, then who the (bleep) are YOU supposed to be!?
Isabella: Look, it's Alexis Texas!
Irving: (looks up and sees Suzy dressed as Alexis) Hi. Suzy's told me all about you. You two seem really close.
Suzy/Alexis: You have no idea.....
Carl: I said I could deal with this, but I can't. ARE YOU A MORON!? Just because you're country, doesn't mean you're stupid! Use your EYES! Use your EARS! IT'S OBVIOUSLY HER! And as far as acting goes, Suzy isn't exactly Perry the Platypus over here! They look exactly the same, and they act exactly the same, except one is brunette and dressed like a circus tent! You can't POSSIBLY be missing this!
Carl: Alexis convinces Irving to take Suzy out on a date, but there's a problem.
Jack: You're not going? But you promised Morgan you would be at the dinner tonight.
Suzy: Actually, Isabella did.
Isabella: Actually, Alexis did.
Suzy: But I promised Irving.
Carl: (sarcastically) The dinner is at the same time as her date with Irving? What is she going to do!?
Carl: So she's gonna go to the dinner, and the date, and blahblahblah...(sighs and takes out a saxaphone. He starts playing it. While he plays it, scenes of Suzy trying to go to the dinner and the date at the same time fill the screen) And there's a squirrel! (images of a squirrel going up a guy's pants fill the screen, then the dinner table catches on fire. Jack puts out the fire)
Suzy: (stands up to go on the date with Irving)
Jack: Okay, that's enough!
Carl: But here's where it all comes apart. Apparently, changing clothes in a revolving door isn't a good thing for more reasons than the obvious, because now Irving's found out.
Irving: (storms away)
Suzy: Irving, please let me try to explain!
Irving: That you were making fun of me?
Carl: No, that's me. Over here.
Irving: Look, Suzy, Alexis, whoever you are, we're done.
Carl: (mocking Irving) THE GIRL I AM DATING IS A RICH AND FAMOUS POP STAR! MILLIONS OF GUYS MY AGE WOULD KILL TO BE IN MY POSITION! I AM SO ANGRY ABOUT THIS!
Morgan: This evening was a disaster! I organized the whole thing and that girl just comes in and ruins it! I don't care if she is here for a benefit concert.
Jack: She's got a complicated life.
Morgan: What's going on, Jack?
Jack: The truth is....I just don't have any time in my life for a serious relationship.
Carl: (mocking Morgan) That doesn't answer my question.
Carl: After a brief sadness moment, we cut to the day of the big concert, which means the mall isn't going to built. Well, actually, they never say anything about that; we're just gonna have to assume that's what happened. But clearly, the stress is too much for Suzy to handle, so she has herself a complete mental breakdown onstage.
Suzy: (stops singing)....I---I can't do this. (takes the brunette wig off and everyone sees the "true" Suzy)
Carl: (sarcastically) Oh my god, she looks exactly the same but with a different hair color!
Suzy: I know y'all wanted to see Alexis, but I've written y'all a song. It's kind of personal. (starts singing "The Climb".)
Carl: Let's listen to her "personal" song. The one Irving told her to write?
Irving: Doesn't tell me anything about who you are, or what you feel.
Carl: "The Climb" is actually a cliched piece of gibberish. There is NOTHING personal about this. It's not about what she feels, it's not about what anyone feels. It's a song about nothing. Although, it does sound like a teenage girl wrote it.
Carl: So Suzy gets her big emotional moment, blahblahblah...I obviously wasn't part of the age group for this, but this is a fairly awful movie. Would I recommend it? Absolutely not. But they actually got a real director who films scenes really nicely. But, who really gives a (bleep)? I don't see why I'm supposed to care about what is basically a big commercial for...
Melissa: Please be Alexis.
Carl: .................I--I'm sorry, what?
Melissa: Please be Alexis. We'll keep your secret.
Suzy: I'm sorry, I can't.
Irving: Yes you can! (smiles at Suzy encouragingly)
Lindana: Put the wig back on! You'll never have a normal life if you don't!
Isabella: Alexis's a part of you! Don't let her go!
Crowd: Alexis! Alexis! Alexis!
Suzy: (puts the wig back on. The crowd cheers)
Carl: What is wrong with these people!? She just sang her soul out to these people, and they flat out reject it! They're saying "We don't care about your feelings, stupid teenage girl. Play the hits! Get back in your stage and dance, monkey!"
Carl: "We'll keep your secret"!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? At least 500 people in this crowd Facebooked, Twittered, and Youtubed that (bleep) the moment she took the wig off!
(shows Irving and Suzy kissing)
Carl: Some other stuff happened, but I DON'T CARE because I'M DONE WITH THIS! Let me reassure you, "Alexis Texas: The Movie" has the single WORST ending I've EVER seen in a movie. Did they forget the part where they called this "Alexis Detox"? It's probably now "Alexis Relapse and Overdose". But hey, we aren't done yet, because we have the second part of Alexispalooza to look forward to, and it...is...going...to...rock.
Memorable Quotes in Part 2
Carl: Hi, and welcome back to the second part of Alexispalooza, where I talk about the Alexis Texas franchise. Among the books, movies, t-shirts, party supplies, school supplies, pencils, posters, bedspreads and various other merchandise, Alexis Texas produces a surprising amount of video games. Most of these are played on the Wii or the DS, but the one I'm talking about isn't playable on any console whatsoever.
Woman's Voice: Want more Alexis Texas? Then buy the Alexis Texas Video Guitar Game! Just plug it into your TV and rock out!
Carl: Yes, they did create a Guitar Hero ripoff solely for Alexis Texas fans. So you can buy your daughter a toy she will never, ever play. It contains a whopping ten songs. (sarcastically) That's like, almost fifteen songs!
Carl: The original price of this thing was sixty bucks. That's pricey. Even to this day, this is still incredibly pricey. I don't know why ANYONE would buy this. The only reason I have one is because the OWCA gave it to me as a Christmas present because they think they're funny!
(shows a clip of the OWCA Christmas party in 2009)
Major Monogram: Merry Christmas, Carl. The agents and I got you a present. (gives Carl the Alexis Texas Video Guitar Game)
Carl: .....It's--It's Guitar Hero.....
Major Monogram: (laughs)
Carl: .....When you turn the camera off, I'm quitting this job.
Carl: (turn the game on. The menu with Alexis standing in a hip way pops up) Hi, Alexis. Yeah, work that pose.
Carl: (looking at the option choices) Oh, let's just put it at the highest level. The first song is "Best of Both Worlds", the only song this thing would recognize. (looks down at the guitar) THERE'S NO STRUM-BAR! What am I supposed to do!? Do I hit the frets!? (starts losing the game)
TV Screen: (GAME OVER: Try Again or Quit)
Carl: I...I lost....Wait a minute, I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO LOSE! (picks up instructions for the game and reads them) You HIT it!? (shows Carl hitting a button) Well, that destroys the entire fantasy! I thought the purpose of Guitar Hero was to pretend that you're actually playing a guitar! Unless I'm supposed to pretend that I'm playing this through slap-bass, then the fantasy is ruined! SIXTY DOLLARS!
Carl: The songs are surprisingly, not that bad. One or two of them are actually good. That doesn't make sense. She records the tolerable songs for Disney Channel, but releases god awful (bleep) like "See You Again" and "Can't Be Tamed" to the mainstream.
Carl: See if you can spot a theme in all these songs. This is "Best of Both Worlds".
Suzy: You go to movie premieres, hear your songs on the radio, living two lives is a little weird, but school's cool cause nobody knows...
Carl: This is "Rockstar".
Suzy: I might even be a rockstar, if you only knew the real me...
Carl: This is "The Other Side Of Me".
Suzy: If you could see the other side of me, I'm just like anybody else, can't you tell, I hold the key to both realities, the girl that I want you to know, the one that I could show....
Carl: This is "Just Like You".
Suzy: So what you see is only half the story, there's another side of me, I'm the girl you know but someone else, too, if you only knew...
Carl: She's CONSTANTLY singing about her double life. I don't know why anyone hasn't figured that out yet. That's like if Perry the Platypus walked around singing "I'm Agent P, I'm Agent P, hey everybody, I'm Agent P!" That's like if Team Improbable walked around wearing the same color street clothes as their uniforms. It'd be completely obvious!
Carl: But some of these songs aren't that bad. I guess I have a soft spot for girly guitar pop.
Suzy: (rapping) Everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days, everybody knows what, what I'm talkin bout...
Carl: And there's the obvious fact that Alexis Texas DOES NOT play guitar in concert.
Woman's Voice: Rock out in an awesome concert, starring you!
Carl: Only NOT starring you. This game is giving you the dream of being one of Alexis Texas's talented but completely anonymous band member. The crowd ignores you. You share a room with three other guys. If you're lucky, Suzy might say a couple words to you during rehearsal.
Carl: This game is garbage. (throws the game in a trashcan). Don't buy it.
Suzy: (singing) I am a rockstar, whoa-uh-oh! (guitar solo plays)
Carl: (tries to shoot himself with a gun)
Suzy: Yeah! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!
- Phineas is a main character in the show, but he is barely in the movie. He made a very small cameo at Isabella's party.
- Jack is Jeremy and Suzy's dad.
- Jeremy and Suzy's mom is dead in this movie.
- Cain, Nan's character, makes a cameo.
- The car accident thing with Albert and Irving is a reference to a show called "Family Matters" where the nerd, Urkel, would always do something wrong, and ask "Did I do that?"
- Alexis Texas is an obvious parody of Hannah Montana.
- "Alexis Texas" was going to be the actual name of Hannah Montana at some point
- The "Glee: The P&F Version" thing was created just in case ToddintheShadows reviewed "Glee". In it, Candace and Jeremy would always be having relationship problems, Stacy would go through a goth phase for some reason, Vanessa wouldn't be goth but would feel unappreciated all the time, Isabella is caught in a love triangle between Phineas and Ferb, and Doof would be the teacher
- Jeremy's voice actor was actually in Hannah Montana :/