Irving's Fan/Script



The Adventures Of Irving and Friends:

Episode 9: Irving's Fan

We open up again In Irving's house. It's raining hard outside, which means he can't go outside and play. Albert, however, is much more disappointed than Irving.

Albert: Aw man! I hate rainy days.

Irving: Oh, lighten up, Albert! Rainy days are awesome!

Albert: Are you just saying that because a rainy day is when you first formally met Phineas and Ferb?

Irving: ...Maybe.

Albert (sighing): I'm bored. What can we do while it's raining?

Voice: We can play tag!

Irving: Who was that?

Voice: Me!

Irving looks to see a kid sitting on the couch.

Irving: Who are you?

Kid: Allow me to introduce myself! My name is Irwin. I'm your biggest fan,

Albert (skeptically): How long have you been here?

Irwin: A few hours. My horoscope says I'm the background type.

Irving: Why does all this seem familiar?

Albert: Wait a minute...you're Irving's biggest fan?

Irwin: Yep!

Albert: I didn't even know he had fans. In fact, I thought everyone hated him except the people who conceived him.

Irwin: Oh, Albert, you're so silly! Irving's awesome! He's funny, and the way he obsesses over Phineas and Ferb is just great! In fact, I even have a scrapbook of all the adventures of Irving and friends!

Albert: Somehow, I've heard that somewhere else...

Irving: You have a scrapbook of me? Creepy.

Irwin: And I know everything about you!

Irving: Oh, really? Prove it!

Irwin: Okay! Your birthday is in July, your favorite color is orange, and your favorite number is 96, and your last name is-

Albert: Look, I don't care how big of a fan you are. This is our house, and you can't just intrude like this!

Irving: I hate to say it, but Albert's right. You're not welcome here. Get out!

Irwin: Okay, then! I guess I'm headed out.

Irving: Do you even live around here?

Irwin: Oh no. I'm here visiting with these friends of mine.

Irving: Fine. Go back to them.

Irwin: Okay. Guess I'm heading back to Thaddeus and Thor.

Irving: Wait, did you just say...Thaddeus and Thor?

Irwin: Happy trails!

Albert: Bye! You can take the umbrella there if you want.

Irwin takes the umbrella and leaves.

Irving: That was...odd.

Albert: Hey, where's Perry?

Perry the Platypus has already put on his fedora. He's in his hideout, ready to receive a message from the boss.

Monogram: Hello, Agent P. Doofenshmirtz has built yet another evil invention. I'm going to make a wild guess and say he built it because of a traumatic childhood event. And he'll turn the ray on, you'll make it explode or something, and Doof will curse you, and you'll head home. Just a guess. Anyway, go out and stop him.

Perry salutes his boss and goes out to thwart Doof.

A little bit later, Irving wakes up from a nap. He turns around and sees someone with scissors in their hand.

Irwin: Hiya!

Irving: GAH!

Irwin: Calm down. It's just me.

Irving: That's why I was screaming. What are you doing here?

Irwin: Oh, I was just getting a lock of your hair.

Irving: A lock of my hair? That's wrong!

Irwin: Oh, calm down. I was just getting some of your hair, some saliva, blood, sweat, tears-

Irving: Ewwww! Get out!

Irwin: Oh awesome! You left your shoes under here! Wonder how good they smell...

Irving: Irwin, don't you dare -

Irwin picks up Irving's shoes and sniffs them. He sniffs it a bit too hard, though, and a shoelace goes up his nose.

Irving: Oh my god, ewww!

Irwin: Hey, cool, I got your shoelace up my nose. The aglet is itchy.

Irving: That's it! Get out of my room!

Irwin: Okay! Have a good time!

Irwin then left Irving's room

Irving: That's it! I've gotta do something about this!

Singers: Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

Perry bursts into DEI, as usual.

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus, what an outstanding entrance! And by outstanding I mean COMPLETELY STANDING!

Suddenly, a giant snow globe falls on Perry.

Doofenshmirtz: I told you I would use that trap someday! Anyway, on to today's plan. As you know, not too many people are fond of me. Crazy, right?

Perry rolls his eyes.

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, shut up, what do you know? Anyway, take a look at this!

Doof points to his latest invention.

Doofenshmirtz: Behold, the Obsess-inator! With this machine, I can make anyone become obsessed with the first person they see! And of course I'll make sure that person is me. When everyone is obsessed with me, they'll have to do whatever I say! Also free girls.

Doof looks around.

Doofenshmirtz: Now I will activate my invention!

Doof then activates the machine, but just as it revs up, a certain someone steps out of their room in the closet...

Norm: Hello, boss!

Doofenshmirtz: Norm! How many times have I told you to stay in your room?

Norm: 243.

Doofenshmirtz: That was a rhetorical question!

The Obsess-inator hits Norm.

Doofenshmirtz: Norm! Are you okay?

Norm: I'm fine...but how are you? You look tired.

Doofenshmirtz: Why do want to know?

Norm: Because I don't matter, only you. You're my life, I'm just your pawn.

Doofenshmirtz: Really? It seems as if Norm getting hit by the Obsess-inator isn't as bad as I thought.

Norm: Wait, I'll be right back! I'm gonna go get my scrapbook. Would you like some tea, master?

Doofenshmirtz: You have a scrapbook?

Norm: Yes. It's right by my shrine to you. Tea, master?

Doofenshmirtz: Well...okay.

Norm: I'll get right on it, sir.

Doofenshmirtz: Well, it looks like this scheme may actually work! Yes!

Meanwhile, Phineas and Ferb are in the backyard trying to figure out what to do. Irving shows up.

Phineas: Hey, Irving. What's up?

Irving: Guys, I need your help!

Phineas: What is it?

Irving: Well, today I found out that, um...I have a fan.

Phineas: What's wrong with that?

Irving: Because he's creepy. His name's Irwin, and he has this scrapbook of my adventures, he tried to get a lock of my hair and a bunch of other weird stuff, and he got my shoelace up his nose!

Phineas: Wow. That's...creepy.

Irving: I know, but that's not the worst part. You see, he's visiting here with his friends...Thaddeus and Thor!

Phineas: You mean those kids that challenged us to a fort contest? They're back?

Irving: Yes! I need your help to get rid of Irwin.

Phineas: Why don't you try talking to him?

Irving: Huh?

Phineas: I just think it would easier to just tell him that you don't like him, and just ask him to leave you alone.

Irving: You know what? You're right! I'll go right up to him and tell him to leave alone!

Phineas: That's the spirit Irving!

Irving goes next door to where Thaddeus, Thor, and Irwin are staying. He spots all three of them standing in the backyard. He decides to listen to the conversation to kill time until Thaddeus and Thor are gone.

Thaddeus: So, how did things go at Irving's house?

Irwin: Great! I showed him how much big a fan I am.

Thaddeus: Perfect!

Irwin: Why are we doing this again?

Thaddeus: Because, Irwin, after Phineas and Ferb showed me off with their stupid fort of theirs, I wanted revenge. So I decided to hit them where it hurts...their friends. When I learned about that fanboy, Irving, I decided to get someone to be obsessed with him in order to completely break him down! And after that, I'd get to work on the rest of Phineas's stupid friends!

Irwin: Wouldn't it be easier to go after someone...more important first? Like Isabella?

Thaddeus: Shut up, Irwin!

Irving: Gasp! Irwin was just working for Thaddeus the whole time! I've got to get revenge! I need some help. But who knows how to get revenge, and understands hating people for something not that big of a deal? Wait, I've got it!

Back at DEI, Norm is getting...weird.

Norm: And this picture is from the time you got turned into a single cell organism!

Doofenshmirtz (sipping his tea): How did you even get a picture of that?

Norm: I know a guy.

Doofenshmirtz: Good for you, Norm, but I must get on with my plan!

Doof then walked up to the Obsess-inator to resume his evil plan.

Doofenshmirtz: Okay, Perry the Platypus, prepare to be obsessed!

Norm: Hey, boss, look at this one!

Norm shoves the scrapbook in Doof's face, distracting him.

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Norm, get that scrap book out of my face!

Norm doesn't listen, and continues to shove the book into Doof's face. This distracts him, which causes him to spill the tea onto the Obsess-Inator, making it fire.

Back in Thaddeus and Thor's backyard, Irving is now there, since Irwin and the others are gone. Two other people are now alongside him.

Candace: Why are we here again?

Albert: Ditto.

Irving: Because, my friends...

Candace: I'm not your friend.

Irving: Please hold all questions until the end of the exposition.

Candace: That wasn't a question.

Albert: Nice.

Candace: Thanks.

Irving: Anyway, as some of you may know, I recently discovered that I have a fan.

Albert: And you want us to get revenge because he's really creepy, right?

Irwin: Lucky guess. But he's a friend of Thaddeus and Thor -

Candace: You mean those mean kids with that loser sister?

Irving: Yes, why else would we be standing in their backyard? For fun?

Albert: Nice.

Candace: Whose side are you on?

Albert: I don't take sides.

Irving: AHEM! So, I found out that Thaddeus hired him to scare me and break me down-

Candace: Why didn't he go for someone more important instead of you?

Irving: I don't know, okay?

Candace: You don't have to be mean about it.

Irving: You're lucky I love you, or else you would be dead.

Candace: What was that?

Irving: Nothing. Anyway, I want you guys to help me get revenge on him.

Albert: Why us?

Irving: Because I tried...that one guy whose name I can't say around Candace, but he seemed busy, so you two are my only hope.

Albert: Eh, why not? I've got nothing better to do.

Candace: Well, I do!

Albert: What, you mean trying and failing to bust your brothers again?

Candace: Okay, fine, whatever. (She sighs.) I'll help.

Irving: That was quick. Anyway, so first, we -

They're interrupted by someone stepping into the backyard.

Mandy: What is going on back here?

Irving: Oh, I forgot about her.

Albert: Now, who are you talking about -

Albert looks at Mandy for the first time, and he visibly likes what he sees.

Albert: Hello, nurse!

Candace: So, Mandy, we meet again.

Mandy: You again?

Albert: So, this is Mandy.

Mandy: Who are you?

Albert: Oh! Excuse my rudeness. My name is Albert. The kid over there is my brother.

Irving: I have a name!

Mandy: Well Albert, it's nice to meet you, but I want to know what's going on here!

Candace: None of your business!

Mandy: Asan older sister, it's my duty to know what everyone else is doing!

Albert: I think I like this girl.

Mandy: You're cute too.

Irving: Man, Albert is getting all the chicks!

Meanwhile, at DEI, the Obsess-inator starts firing willy-nilly, all over the place. It's only fired at random bystanders so far, but Norm is still annoying.

Norm: Come on, boss, look at my collection of your sweat!

Doofenshmirtz: That was wrong in every meaning of the word. Stop it, Norm!

Norm: But Boss -

Doofenshmirtz: And stop calling me that!

Norm: But I have to, you're my Boss!

Doofenshmirtz: Not anymore! You're FIRED! You're nothing but a stupid, klutzy WASTE OF SPACE!

Norm: But, Master -

Doofenshmirtz: Don't "But Master" me, get out!

Norm: ...Okay.

Doofenshmirtz: Don't beg, Norm just - Wait, what?

Norm: If it means that much to you, I'll go. Just let me get my stuff. I'm going to take some rope, try to see if I can tie a noose after all these years...I'll take some of your medication, I hope you won't mind if I borrow your stool...

Doofenshmirtz: That was easy. Wonder what he needs with all that stuff. Better not be a bucket trap. Well, now it's back to my scheme!

Doof goes back to the Obsess-inator to continue his plan. But then he realized something was missing...

Doofenshmirtz: Perry The Platypus, why haven't you stopped me yet?

Doof looks over to Perry's snowglobe trap, but Perry is sleeping.

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus, you fell asleep? Oooh, I would wake you up, Perry the Platypus, but you just look so cute like that! This gives me more time for my scheme, too!

Meanwhile, in Thaddeus and Thor's backyard, Irving is getting impatient.

Irving: Guys, we need to get back at Irwin!

Irwin: Oh, really?

Irving: Irwin? How did you get here?

Irwin: I told you I was a background type.

Irving: So, you heard what I said?

Irwin: Indeed, I did. And you heard what Thaddeus said back there.

Irving: Yes. Yes I did. I know all about your little scheme!

Irwin: Indeed you do. So it looks like I have to take some drastic measures...

Albert: Wait, what do you mean by that?

Irwin: You'll find out in a sec.

Irving: Albert, I'm scared.

Thaddeus: Hello, Irving.

Irving: Okay, who here ISN'T a background type?

The Obsess-inator hits Thaddeus and Irwin.

Irving: Whoa, what was that?

Thaddeus: How are you doing Irwin? Would you like some tea? Are you tired?

Irwin: Why you asking? Anyway, how you doing Irving? Do you need some rest?

Irving: Why are you asking me?

Thaddeus and Irwin: Because you're lovely, Irving/Irwin!

Thaddeus: Irwin, I must know everything about you! Want some sugar cookies?

Irwin: Whatever. Irving, tell me everything!

Albert: Oh, boy.

Back at DEI, Dr Doofenshmirtz is still using the Obsess-inator. The doorbell rings.

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, those must be my obsessed fans now!

Doof answers the door to reveal a bunch of people.

Doofenshmirtz: Hello, my fans!

Man: There he is!

Man 2: I made some tea for you!

Women: I want his firstborn!

Doofenshmirtz: ...Oh, Scheiße.

They all start to gang up on Doof. He runs away, but they eventually trap him in a corner.

Doofenshmirtz: ...Well, I didn't see THIS coming.

Back at Thaddeus and Thor's backyard, things are getting...odd.

Irwin: Come on Irving, tell me everything!

Irving: You're starting to creep me out. No way!

Irwin: Fine. If I can't be your fan...Nobody can!

Albert: How cliché.

Thaddeus: Same goes for you, Irwin!

Irving: This is bad. Irwin's gonna get rid of me, and Thaddeus is gonna get rid of Irwin! Actually, the second one doesn't sound too bad...

Albert: What are we gonna do?

Candace: Hmm, let me think. What happened the last time someone tried to beat up Irving?

Albert: Of course! Candace, you're a genius!

Candace: I am?

Irving (sighing): Yes. Yes, she is...

Candace: Now THAT was creepy.

Albert: Be right back, guys. I've got someone to talk to...

Back at DEI, Doof is surrounded by his obsessed fans.

Doofenshmirtz: Come on guys, can't we all just get along?

Man 1: I call sucking his feet!

Doofenshmirtz: Guess not.

Norm comes out of his room with everything packed. He sets down the stool and steps on it, fumbling with the rope. He is incredibly depressed, and visibly so.

Norm (to himself): Well, it's time to hit the old dusty trail for the last time...

Doofenshmirtz: Wait, Norm!

Norm: Yes?

Doofenshmirtz: Come help me out here, these guys are gonna kill me!

Norm: Sorry, but I was fired, remember?

Doofenshmirtz: I know, but please help me anyway!

Norm: You said it yourself. I'm nothing but a "stupid, klutzy waste of space."

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, come on, Norm, I didn't mean that!

Norm: Yes. Yes you did.

Doofenshmirtz: Norm, I -...I missed you!

Norm: You did not.

Doofenshmirtz: No, I did! During that...one scene you weren't there, I missed you! I missed the way you would always ruin things, break things, and speak in stereotypical "American Dream Husband" phrases!

Norm: You really missed me?

Doofenshmirtz: Yes. Norm...you're rehired!

Norm: Yay!

Doofenshmirtz: Now help me with these guys!

Norm: Okay!

Man 1: This is great and all, but...I still want to suck on his feet.

Norm (spinning the rope, which he's tied into a lasso): Excuse me, ladies and gentlewomen, if you don't mind too terribly, we would love it if you were to leave this fine building.

Man 1: Well, if you put it that way...sure!

Man 2: Comeon guys, let's go get something to eat.

Woman 1: You're cute, Merl.

The former fans walk away chattering.

Doofenshmirtz: Well, if it was THAT easy... (He sighs.) Whatever.

Norm: What should we do now, boss?

Doofenshmirtz: I say we follow their lead and go get something to eat.

Norm: Yay! What do you say, boss? A candlelit dinner with a rooftop view? An exotic gondola ride beneath the stars? A slow dance on the roof under the moonlight?

Doofenshmirtz: Uh, sure, okay. Let's go do that. Though I can't shake the feeling we forgot something. Something important...

Pan to a sleeping Perry as Doof walks off with Norm on his arm.

Meanwhile, at OWCA HQ, Monogram and Carl are starting to feel as if THEY forgot something important.

Monogram: Carl, where's Agent P?

Carl: I think he's still fighting Doofenshmirtz.

Monogram: Well, what's taking him so long? He can't be sleeping on the job or something!

Back in Thaddeus and Thor's backyard, it seems like it's the end for our heroes. Suddenly, Albert comes out of the house with someone else...

Albert: Guys, this is Irwin's mom, since I couldn't find Thaddus's aunt around here.

Irwin's Mom: What is going on out here?

Irving: Not much, your son here was just about to, oh, just probably hurt me.

Irwin's Mom: Irwin is this true?

Irwin: No. No, it's not!

Albert: He's lying, I can tell.

Thaddeus: Whatever. I was just about to hurt Irwin, so go away!

Irwin's Mom: You too, Thaddeus?

Irving: You're gonna get it now...

Irwin's Mom: How many times have I told you, Irwin? Don't harass other kids! And Thaddeus, your aunt and mother are gonna hear about this!

Irwin: But Mom -

Irwin's Mom: No buts, mister, you're grounded! Now get back in the house!

Irwin: Fine. But I swear, I will get my revenge! Irving, you have just made a powerful enemy...and superfan. Mainly superfan, since I'm still obsessed with you.

Irving: Albert, that was awesome!

Candace: I hate to say it but...it was.

Mandy: I agree big time. But if you excuse me, I must get something to eat. Besides, I have to get ready.

Albert: For what?

Mandy: Oh, yes, I never told you the reason we even came here. We're moving in!

Irving: You're what?

Mandy: Yes, we are moving to Danville, in this exact house. Irwin just happened to be moving here too, just not in this house.

Albert: No way!

Mandy: Yes way. Well, see ya!

Candace: Great, looks like we haven't seen the last of them.

Irving: It doesn't matter, as long as Irwin stays away from me!

Albert turns to Irving as Candace leaves.

Albert: Hey, Irving, didn't Irwin's behavior remind you of anyone?

Irving: Not really.

Albert: Come on, the borderline stalking, the scrapbook, the wanting a lock of your hair?

Irving: Nope, doesn't ring a bell.

Albert: ...Curse you, Irving, the human boy.

End of Episode 9