To Ferb is Human

The sun was rising slowly over Danville, NY, and Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz was sleeping peacefully. Until…

“Chitter Chitter Chitter”

He woke to the sound of hatred. It was his favorite time of the day, the time Perry the Platypus (Occasionally Larry the Platypus or Perry’s siblings) came to destroy his latest inator. He got out of bed, ran into his living room, turned on his inator, grabbed a remote for Perry’s trap, and ran out the door to set it up. When he got outside and was about install the tar and feather trap he paused for a second to look at the traffic. Heinz thought all was going well until a bus skidded to a stop and Heinz couldn’t believe what he saw. Perry and his family had suitcases with them and they entered the bus that was traveling to the Danville airport. Perry and his family was going on a tropical vacation to Hawaii. As the bus drove away, Heinz starred with pathetic eyes and his jaw dropped to the ground like Wile E. Coyote’s.

“Serves you right for trying to hurt my step-brother” Said a teenager’s British accent.

It was none other than Phineas and Ferb, who were walking up to Heinz. He had once captured and mistaken Phin for Perry and very subtly revealed Perry’s secret life as Agent P. Heinz knew that Phineas wasn’t supposed to hear that so he had to destroy him. But Phineas won in the end by messing with Heinz’s Answerinator causing the doctor to get crushed by a boulder.

“This’ll teach you a lesson you’ll never forget.” Phineas said. “Now that Perry’s going on vacation,” Ferb said. “You’ll be good all day.” “And there’s nothing you can do about it.” Phineas said poking Heinz in the chest. “So today, you’re going to rethink your life!” “Besides, Perry’s siblings are going on vacation so there are no platypuses around here.” Ferb said not allowing Heinz to talk. “And even if a mad scientist, such as yourself, would try to destroy us, there’s no way you could do that for we are super geniuses.” “So this will do you some good.” Phineas said. “Until Perry comes back. Oh, Ferb! I MISS HIM ALREADY!” “There, there, Phin. Okay, Dr. Doof! Have fun with your day of niceness! Remember; Danville for niceness!” Ferb said as he and Phineas walked. “OH, COME ON!” Heinz yelled as he shook his fist at Phineas and Ferb.

Heinz stood there with an evil annoyed look on his face. Then his expression changed to sadness. Phineas and Ferb were right. There isn’t anything else that would destroy his inator around here. No platypuses. It looked like he was going to be nice after all.

Heinz slowly walked back inside D.E.I., went inside and went up to his laptop, Googled “Common nemesises”. He clicked on a page that said ‘LIST OF COMMON NEMESISES AND EXPLANATIONS ON HOW EVIL THEY ARE’, and he began to read. He read from A to T until he spotted something that caught his attention. The word ‘TEENAGER(S)’ was there and it said: Teenagers may seem innocent, but once they knock over your trashcans, spray paint your car, or diss you, they can become your best enemy.

Heinz began to think:

‘Evil scientists can have teens as nemesises’ ‘Phineas + Ferb = Teenagers’ ‘So if evil geniuses can have them as nemesises’ ‘And if ‘Phin + Ferb = Teenagers’’ ‘Then Heinz + Phin and Ferb = Doctor and Nemesises’

Heinz grinned sinisterly. “YES! I DO have other nemesises! After all, Phineas sure sniped me the last time we had an encounter.” He was so happy that he realized that he can have teenage nemesises, and if Phineas and Ferb are still around downtown Danville, he can capture them and try to destroy them (seeing how he lost his first chance earlier today), and save destroying Perry the Platypus for another time. He went back into the living room, got another trap, got another remote to trigger the trap, and ran out the door. Meanwhile, Phineas and Ferb were out walking along the sidewalk in downtown Danville away from Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.… THE FLYNN-FLETCHERS: FERB FLETCHER (Intellegenitus-softspokenus) and PHINEAS FLYNN (Creativeus-pointyheadibus)

“Ferb,” Phineas asked. “Do you really think Heinz will find out that teenagers make great nemesises?” “No worries, Phin.” Ferb said, lazing his eyelids. “If he found out, he’d be running toward us with a remote control in his hands.”

Phineas looked behind him and them bugged his eyes.

“Would you carry me on your shoulders?” Phineas asked, worriedly. “Why?” Ferb asked.

Phineas pointed down the road behind him. Ferb looked in that direction that Phineas was pointing down and he saw… Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz with a remote control in his hands and he had an evil look on his face.

“Oh, snap!” Ferb said. “Hang on!”

Ferb picked up Phineas and threw him onto his shoulders and dashed away going Road Runner speed.

“WOOOOO HOOO HOOOOO HOOOOOOO!” Phineas howled as he was being carried.

Heinz saw them try to get away, but he was as fast as Ferb and so he took off after them. Heinz was still in pursuit of Ferb and Phineas. He chased them over the hills, through every curve and bend and past every sign. Suddenly, up ahead was a sign that said ‘DANGER: BRIDGE OUT.’ Ferb skidded to a stop. He and Phineas looked down and saw the valley below. It was a very, very, very long way down. Phineas and Ferb looked back to see Heinz getting closer to them.

“What’ll we do Ferb?” Phineas asked shaking Ferb’s head out of nervousness.

Ferb got an idea and he whispered it into Phin’s ear. Phineas understood as he and Ferb remained standing. Heinz knew they’d give up so he ran faster so he can trap them quickly. He came closer and closer and closer and closer to Ferb and Phineas. And when Heinz was just about to push the button…

“NOW!” Ferb yelled.

Ferb and Phineas stepped out of the way as Heinz ran past them and off the broken bridge. Heinz looked back and skid to a stop. He glared back at them. “You little-”

He was cut off by Ferb. “Uh, I think you’re forgetting something, Heinz.” Ferb said, pointing down.

Heinz looked down and saw the road below. He bugged his eyes and then shouted, “YAAAAAAAAAUGH!” Then his ankles stretched down, then his legs, then his stomach, then his chest, then his neck, then his head and hair and proceeded to fall. Ferb and Phineas watched as Heinz fell all the way down to the road and landed with a great big thud in a puff of clouds.

“That got him.” Ferb said as he picked up Phineas and ran off.

Meanwhile, on the landing spot that Heinz had crashed. He emerged from his hole and began to think. But of course, as a genius mastermind, he had some ideas that came into his mind in a matter of seconds. When he did, he gave a sinister smile. He had some plans in mind to catch Phineas and Ferb. “I’ve got you two, now. I’m going to use the genius Wile E. Coyote’s plans to get those two teens. But I can’t speak. Hmmmm. It’s gonna be a long day of PURE EVIL! MWAH HA HA HA!!!!”

First, Heinz had set up a teeter-totter and placed a giant boulder over the lower end of the teeter-totter. Then he climbed up on the “My Little Doggies” pet shop and got into position. He looked down the road to see if Phineas and Ferb were coming. He saw a green blur dashing down the road with something red and pointy on his shoulders. It must be Phineas and Ferb! And when he came close enough, Heinz jumped on the upper end of the teeter-totter and launched the boulder high in the air! But sadly, the boulder landed on Heinz instead. Ferb vibrated to a stop and looked at the boulder.

“A word of advice,” Ferb said pointing his index finger smartly. “Don’t put heavy objects on the other end of a teeter-totter when trying to outsmart two teens with IQs of 207.”

And with that, he zipped away with Phineas, still on his shoulders.

Next, Heinz had gotten a few ACME supplies; remember, he’s using ‘the ways of Wile E. Coyote’. The first product was an ACME Home Launch Pad (Now With Target Tracking Device and Bonus Rocket Boosters). Also, Heinz ordered some bags of ACME Blasting Powder. He filled the rocket with the blasting powder, until it was full. Then, he typed in the names of the targets: Phineas, Ferb Then with the remote control in his hand, he ducked behind a dumpster and pressed the launch button! The rocket blasted off from the launch pad and flew off into the sky. Meanwhile, Ferb was still carrying Phineas as he ran when suddenly, he saw a rocket heading towards him.

“Aw, c’mon! You never give up do you, Doof?” Ferb said as he tried to run a little bit faster.

Meanwhile, Heinz was hiding behind the dumpster as he plugged his ears. But then all of a sudden, someone tapped his shoulder. Heinz looked to see who it was. It was none other than Phineas.

“Um…” Phineas said. “You might wanna look up.”

Heinz looked up to see the rocket, heading down towards him!

“And… you might need this.” Phineas said, handing a umbrella to Heinz.

“Thanks, kid.” Heinz said accepting the umbrella.

Then he ran away. Heinz opened the umbrella and held it over his head as the rocket implanted him into the ground. Meanwhile, Ferb was near the coordinates and on the screen there was a new target name: Dr. Doofenshmirtz

“Heinz’s not the only one who can type.” Ferb said. “Um, Ferb...” Phineas said. “When the rocket landed on him, shouldn’t it have exploded? It was filled with blasting powder.” “Relax, Phin.” Ferb said. “Even if that rocket was filled with blasting powder, I'm sure it would't ex-"

KA-BOOM! There was an explosion heard behind the dumpster along with Doof’s loud, “YEEEEEEEOWCH!”. “Ferb…” Phineas said. “Ok, so I could be wrong, you know.” Ferb said. Later on, Heinz had set up a clothesline between two buildings. But he wasn’t indenting on drying his clothes. Heinz took out a blueprint and read it.

1. TIE ANVIL ONTO CLOTHES LINE 2. PUT ANVIL OVER TARGET MARK 3. WAIT FOR TEENAGERS TO COME AND THEN DROP ANVIL 4. TEMPORARY NEMESISES TRAPPED (HA-HA!)

After reading his blueprint, Heinz went up to the anvil and tied it onto the clothesline and then he hoisted it over the target mark. Then he held onto the string and waited for Ferb to come. He saw him running down the road with Phineas on his shoulders. Heinz clutched onto the rope and waited for them to get near. But when he heard them get close enough, he didn’t notice that they were right behind him. Ferb stood up on the tips of his toes to reach Heinz’s back and then yelled like Bugs Bunny. The yell was so loud that it sent Heinz up to the sky and then down to the ground onto the target mark. Little did Heinz know that he was still holding the rope and when he landed onto the target mark, he pulled it as soon as he landed and the rope loosened the anvil off of the ropes and then finally fell down and landed right on Heinz’s head with an ear-splitting clang! Phineas and Ferb both looked down.

“You know people use washing machines instead.” Ferb said as he picked up Phineas and then dashed away.

Later on, Heinz had gotten another ACME product. It was one of the army surpluses products Wile E. commonly used, ACME Straight Jacket Land Mines. Heinz had buried the land mines all over part of the road. If Ferb were to land on one of the hidden land mines, he would be trapped in a straight jacket, Phineas and all, on impact. Heinz snickered as he went behind a building and waited for Ferb to run by. He was still snickering and didn’t notice that Ferb was standing right on top of the right. He whistled loud enough to get Heinz’s attention. Ferb stuck his tongue out and waggled it at him while doing a crazy look and then dashed off. Heinz got mad and took off in pursuit right after him. Ferb lead him all the way to the land mine field that Heinz has made on the road. Heinz skid to a stop and was shocked to know that he forgotten where he placed them. Heinz carefully went over any land mines he planted. And when he got to the side, he was safe. Heinz sighed of relief and then just as he was about to go after Ferb, KA-BOOM! Heinz stepped on a secret spot of a land mine that he planted and he tied himself up. Heinz was ticked off.

Ferb was still running on the road with Phineas still on his shoulders.

“You know,” Ferb said. “I got a feeling Heinz's got another of his stupid inators up ahead.”

Suddenly, something caught Phin’s attention.

“Hey, Ferb!” Phineas said, pointing at something. “Look!”

Up ahead was a table with blueprints on them. There was a sign next to the picnic spot saying 'FREE BLUEPRINTS: NOT A TRAP' Ferb skid to a stop and then he put Phineas down.

“Blueprints!” Phineas said. “Ferb! I know what we’re gonna do today! We’re gonna get some blueprints so we can do what we want to do today!” “I don’t know…” Ferb said. “There’s something wrong with this picture.” “Aw, Ferb...” Phineas said. “The heat’s gotten onto you. Let’s sit down and take a break. I'm sure wherever that Doofenshmirtz is, he's no where to be found.”

As Ferb and Phineas examined the blueprints, Heinz was watching from above. He has a big cannon with him, a VERY big cannon. He lowered the mouth of the cannon and aimed it for the table. The table was actually a target for the cannon to shoot! Heinz lit the fuse to the cannon and waited for the cannon to fire. But then the gun of the cannon slipped out of the holder and began to fall. Heinz looked down and then he started to run away from the mouth of the cannon. The gun of the cannon rotated up and aimed right for Heinz. He was shocked and then ducked and covered. Then the gun of the cannon moved right above Heinz and aimed right over him. Heinz opened his eyes and thought that he’d lost the cannon and he placed a hand on his head for relief. But when he looked up, he said his prayers as he went inside the cannon. Phineas and Ferb looked up as saw the gun of the cannon, falling down towards them.

“Aw, COME ON!” Ferb said as he picked up Phineas and ran off.

The cannon implanted into the ground and then blasted itself off from the ground. The gun of the cannon flew up and landed right back on its holder. Then the building ledge that the cannon holder was on broke off instantly when the mouth of the cannon landed on the holder and began to fall. Meanwhile, Heinz emerged from the hole that he crashed into. He was charcoaled from the explosion. And then looked up and saw the building ledge falling right on him. And then he got out an umbrella, opened it up, held it over him and shut his eyes tightly. And with that, the ledge landed right on him.

‘YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!”

Finally, Heinz had one more plan up his sleeve. This time, he ordered a pair of ACME Hover Shoes. He strapped the hover shoes onto his feet. And then, he tapped the heels of his shoes 3 times and activated his hover shoes. He was floating over the ground. Then with his hover shoes on, Heinz flew off to find Phineas and Ferb. He flew all around and then he found them. Ferb looked at Heinz with his new hover shoes on.

“Aw, c’mon Doof. Not again. We’re just kids!” Ferb said as he picked up Phineas and dashed away.

Heinz took off after them in pursuit. He chased them all over the Tri-State Area. And when Ferb just crossed over the bridge, he pulled over and stopped right in front of the Danville Canyon’s highest cliff. Ferb was tired as he let Phineas down.

“Ferb, what’s wrong?” Phineas said. “I’m exhausted.” Ferb said. “I don’t know if I can go on.”

Suddenly, they saw Heinz heading right towards them!

“Ferb, here he comes!” Phineas said while he shook Ferb.

And when Heinz was just about to trap them, his shoes ran out of power as he slowed down and came to a stop. Heinz sadly looked down and saw the road below him. Then he looked up and saw Phineas and Ferb waving good-bye to him. Heinz showed out his pathetic eyes and waved back at them. And then proceeded to fall all the way down to the ground while yelling, “CURSE YOU PHINEAS AND FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERB!”. Meanwhile, at the landing site, Heinz had a miserable, annoyed look on his face. He clenched his teeth and said, “TEENAGERS ARE OFF MY LIST! I’M STICKING WITH PLATYPUSES!”. Phineas and Ferb looked down from the ground. “Well, so much for his nice day.” Ferb said. “Thanks Ferb, for protecting me.” Phineas said as he hugged him. Ferb’s heart softened as he plopped on a fedora and imitated Perry perfectly ‘chitter chitter chitter’. Phineas guffawed. “Was it something I said?” Ferb said as Phineas went into hysterics.

THE END!