Odds and Ends/Script

The Adventures of Irving and Friends

Episode 15

Odds and Ends

/

Jingle Singers: Doofenshmirtz evil incorporated!

Agent P crashed into DEI, as he does every day.

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the platypus! Check out this new trap I got.

Doof pressed a button….and nothing happened.

Doofenshmirtz: oh come on! Stupid trap isn't working. …Uh, Perry the platypus, could you just….PRETEND you are in a trap….made of something that hurts platypuses?

Perry sighed and nodded.

Doofenshmirtz: Thanks! So anyway, I've been thinking about my evil plans. As you know, I always try each plan I come up with only for them to fail….epically. And why is that? Is it due to my lack of planning? My vague understanding of how things work? NO! It's because I don't think of the outcome! ….okay, maybe it is lack of planning. See, if I knew what each plan might result in, I wouldn't do too many plans that can fail! But you may wondering "How could you possibly know the future in the first place?". Yes, it may shock you that I caught on to my brand of idiocy. Well…the hate mail Rodney sends needs to be read SOMETIME, you know. Oh wait, you don't know. I always hated that phrase.

Doofenshmirtz: …so anyway, I made a great inator to help out….

Doof pointed to a big TV screen, which had a sticky note, which Doof read the name of…

Doofenshmirtz: Behold, the what if inator! You see, it's simple. I tell the machine a what if question, and it will show me exactly what would happen! So I will try a bunch of my planned schemes, and see if they will work. Once I find one that shows me a good outcome, I'll do it, and take over the tri state area! Of course, once I do that I wi-

?: THE END IS NIEGH!

Doofenshmirtz: oh, what's going on down there?

Doof peeked his head out the window to see who was yelling.

Doofenshmirtz: what are you yelling about?

? : Oh, hello sir. I'm Arnold hiking.

Doofenshmirtz: What are you doing in front my building?

Arnold: oh, I am giving everyone a warning

Doofenshmirtz: warning of what?

Arnold: allow me to explain.

SONG TIME YAY

Life has been pretty peaceful, wouldn't you say?

Doof: Yeah, I guess so

Arnold: Despite your evil schemes failing every day

Doof: Wait. How do you know about my schemes?

Arnold: Oh, I know everything

Sure every day is a bit more cliché

But you can't deny you like it that way

I'm sorry you're used to your routine life

You're mundane days and your average strife

By now, you're probably thinking I'm totally deranged

But be prepared for the world to change

(Doof: How, exactly?

Arnold: Oh, well, it will be great

Starting with something equating to an earthquake

Birds and snakes will flee, then something with an airplane

And Lenny Bruce won't be afraid

Doof: How could he be? He's dead

Arnold: Zombies, man. Zombies)

Everyone will go crazy trying to serve their own needs

Paying no mind to your need

Trying to escape, their attempts are in vain

Leave some behind; it's too late to save

Newsmen are on the scene\

This is too odd for them to perceive

Planes crashing when they hear the news

Come on now, it's too early to lose

Hundreds are now dead and gone away, yet

We're still overpopulated

Nothing to do except watch them bleed

Getting out would be too extreme

You're hyped up enough, you wanna go, but no

Just sit back and watch the show, oh

\We know you want the world to prosper

All of this is just too much for

Everybody who is yourself

Now, it's time to draw the line

It's the end as we know it, and I feel fine

It's now 6:00 to me

And on TV, you can see

Thousands without homes, so sad

Terrorists take this time to be bad

And while we're on a roll,

Let's let the conservatives be bold

Destroy the things they think give minds mold

You realize you be bad

Trying to survive is one of the better plans you've had

Do all you can to save yourself!

Help no one and accept no help

You're becoming one of them

Just want to live to see past the end

Your plan may fail, but that's okay

In your mind, it's the only way

For now, you'll avoid all disaster

And you'll do it quite faster

Than anybody else who would

We know you want the world to prosper

All of this is just too much for

Everybody who is yourself

Now, it's time to draw the line

It's the end as we know it, and I feel fine

Disaster strikes, you're not prepared to fend

Not the world's yet, but it is your end

When you arrive, Bernstein, Bruce, and Bangs to cheer you on

A celebration may be in our plans

You're not the last; this is certainly not the end

Through everything I can't help but notice,

This is where all begin to lose focus

Our overlords are quite mysterious to me

Insert change, press 0-1 for justice

Or 0-2 or tyranny

And your choice is quite clear to me

Now, it's time to draw the line

It's the end as we know it, and I feel fine

And I feel fine

And I feel fine

And I feel fine

END SONG

Doofenshmirtz: Wow, good song.

Arnold: thanks.

Doofenshmirtz: But I think you are full of crap.

Arnold: oh come on, not again!

Doofenshmirtz: dude, people have been crying end of the world for years! I always believe them every time, and get myself worked up over nothing!

Arnold: but there was a song this time!

Doofenshmirtz: song schmong! I don't believe you for one minute.

Arnold: fine, believe what you want. You'll see I'm right!

Doofenshmirtz: get off my lawn you hippie!

Arnold: you don't have a lawn!

Doofenshmirtz: just go away!

Arnold: fine!

Arnold did as Doof said and stomped away.

Doofenshmirtz: geez, that guy's insane. End of the world? What a load, eh perry the platypus? Oh, I should back to my plan..

Doof ran up to his what if inator

Doofenshmirtz: okay, what if…..hmmm, that end of the world stuff has me thinking….eh, why not? Hey, what if machine…What if…the world ended today?

What if inator: simulation ready. Now starting.

Doofenshmirtz: oh, this should be fun…

/

DANVILLE

SUMMER

2012 AD

/

Danville now stood in a state of ruin. Most of the buildings in the city were mostly torn down. All the food was suddenly gone, and other cliché apocalyptic scenery was present.

Phineas: …uh, what just happened?

ONE MINUTE EARLIER

Phineas: hey ferb, how long until this invention disappears?

/


 * Cut to Irving behind the tree*

Irving: this is cool!...I hope they don't find me here. I should have picked a better spot.


 * Cut to Candace dragging Linda, with Lawrence behind her, into the backyard*

Candace: it's right here! oh, I wonder what kind of crazy event will take this thing away…

Just then, everyone saw a big huge flash, which blinded them. When the light went away, they were standing in the scenery I just described.

Candace: ….uh,…what was that?

Ferb: judging by the post-apocalyptic scenery, I think the world just ended

Candace: normally I'd be mad that the boy's invention went away BUT THE FREAKING WORLD JUST ENDED!

Linda: …D-did that just happen?

Lawrence: yes. Yes it did

Irving:…whoa.

Phineas: ohai Irving!

Irving: ..oh, I forgot I was hiding.

Candace: …how did this happen?

Phineas: I'm not sure. One moment we were building something, the next moment there was a huge flash. And now the world has ended.

Irving: how do you know for sure the entire is world is ending?

Phineas: my "World status meter" said so

Candace: …I am not shocked you have that.

Linda: …the world just ended. The world just ended. THE WORLD JUST ENDED!

Candace: Mo-

Linda: THE WORLD IS OVER!

Candace: no need to go crazy.

Irving: this coming from CANDACE? Funny how the end of the world is the one time she doesn't freak out.

Candace: oh shut up.

Phineas: …so where's everyone else?

All of Danville: THE WORLD HAS ENDED!

Phineas: ….hey, where's perry?

Suddenly, Monogram came up to them from…other there.

Monogram: Hello Phineas…and ferb.

Irving: monogram, what are you going here?

Candace: You know him?

Irving: long story.

Monogram: I would explain, but I'll just do this.

Monogram held a small flashy stick thingy. He pressed a button it, and there was a flash.

Irving: what did you just do?

Monogram: I restored their memories from the 2nd dimension problem.

Irving: why?

Monogram: well, the world is over, so there's no reason for the OWCA, thus no reason to keep anything secret. Though not all memories were kept..

Phineas: hey ferb, I forget. What did I do before our memories were erased that day?

Irving: you sly dog you…

Linda: hey, I just remembered: Candace was right this whole time!

Monogram: oh yea, that doof inator must have hit her once.

Irving: so now what?

Monogram: no idea.

Candace: so perry can stay with us now?

Monogram: until we all die in about 3 days.

All: HEY!

Monogram: just keeping it realistic here.

Phineas: I'm sure we can do something!

Monogram: let's head to the center of town where everyone else must be by now.

Irving: man, this is all going so fast. I blame rushed writing.

/

Everyone was at the center of town. Most were screaming and yelling though.

Linda: I think I'm calm now. I won't yell like all these other people.

Monogram: okay, roger is about to say something.

Roger: ….So…the world is over. I know this because no outside scientists have told me the world is fine. Danville has no scientists because I sent them to a retreat. So…we have no way to fix all this so…SCREW YOU GUYS I'M OUT OF HERE!

Roger quickly ran away from the scene. Everyone stared as their beloved mayor ditched them.

Albert: …I knew he was a jerk.. I should know. I was one once.

Candace: yea, once..

Stacy: Candace…

Irving: ohai guys. What do you think of the world ending?

Albert: it sucks. End of story.

Stacy: I don't care for it

Irving: so what should we do?

Phineas: We could help re-build the world!

Candace: are your tools even still intact?

Phineas: Well…not really. But we could make something to help

?: I don't think your help is needed, young man.

Monogram: who is that?

Albert: do you know anyone else with a druselstienan accent?

Doofenshmirtz: ugh, I knew I should have taken speech classes like roger.

Irving: Doofenshmirtz?

Candace: that guy perry fights?

Linda: …perry what?

Monogram: …it's a long, 2 and a half season story.

Irving: perry is a secret agent for OWCA, monogram is his boss, and this guy is his nemesis

Linda: ….this is a weird day.

Doofenshmirtz: okay, you may think I'm evil….and I am, but I must say something. The world has ended, and I am shocked by this. But order must be kept so we don't all die within a week. So I think we need a new leader, who will also rule the entire world.

Guy: but roger left!

Crazy Old Coot: and I quit the mayor thing forever!

Doofenshmirtz: I don't mean roger or…whoever that guy is! I mean someone whose building is half standing. Someone whose tools are still working because he shot an anti-breakable inator at them. Someone who can actually help rebuild the world.

Phineas: Ferb and i?

Doofenshmirtz: No!

Albert: Irving and i?

Rodney: me?

Doofenshmirtz: NO! Especially not you, Rodney! I mean ME!

Everyone: WHAT?

Doofenshmirtz: Yes! I have some tools, and inators left over. I have quite a bit money for myself. I am the only person with more than 100 bucks in this world. Thus, I am the most powerful person in the world!

Monogram: Oh no! Agent P, get out here!

Perry: grrrr…

Phineas: oh there you are agent p.

Irving: You can't do this!

Monogram: actually…he can. His logic makes sense. The world's governments has fallen, so no one can say he can't do anything. He can take over if he wants.

Doofenshmirtz: and I do want!

Linda: …should I be worried?

Candace: i think you should.

Doofenshmirtz: I think it's time for the world order to fall! You all must stop living the happy life you know! The normal order is gone! And up must go…the order of doof!

Monogram: I smell a musical number.

Doofenshmirtz: As ruler my life will be complete

So stay out of the kitchen if you can't stand the heat

I've taken over the world in its dystopian state

While post-apocalyptic I've discovered my fate

(Music speeds up and becomes the Broadway tunes Doofenshmirtz is known for)

It's the order of Doof I own every hand, foot, and hoof you're all my subjects

And don't even try to object

Because this is the order of Doof I'm not the fairy of tooth

Only because it's hard to rhyme with doof because it's the order of Doof!

(tune slows down to the way it was in the beginning of the song) While we may have some rocky times

I've run out of Doof rhymes we'll make it through

We will survive

We'll escape

With all our lives (SPOKEN) except you, you will be the first we'll eat when we run out of food

Random Guy: Awww

(SUNG)Because this

Is The Order of Doooo-oooooo-ooooo-oooooo-oooooooof

RANDOM DOG: Woof woof!

Monogram: Great, now I have this song stuck in my head!

Stacy: hey, you can't do this!

Monogram: didn't we already establish he can?

Stacy: …oh.]

Candace: I don't want THIS guy telling us what to do! No one tells Candace what to do!

Irving: she's right!

Doofenshmirtz: No one in Danville shall go against my rule!

Irving: So…as long as we are in Danville, we can't disobey you?

Albert: where are you going with this?

Irving: You'll see…

Doofenshmirtz: Correct! So you shall be obeying me for the rest of your lives!

Irving: then…we'll just leave Danville.

Everyone: WHAT?

Phineas: really?

Irving: If we aren't in Danville, we don't have to listen to you!

Stacy: Does that mean…

Irving: Yes. We are all leaving Danville!

Everyone: ….YEA!

Doofenshmirtz: …No. By my orders, you cannot leave unless you are banned! And you get banned by committing treason.

Irving: crap,

Doofenshmirtz: And guess what? You, the nerdy ninja guy, the girl with a bow, and the loud one all just committed treason!

Everyone: WHAT?

Candace: loud one?

Doofenshmirtz: I hereby kick Irving, Albert, Stacy, and Candace all out of town! Hey, I remember your names!

Phineas: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ferb: I do not approve of this.

Linda: You can't kick out my daughter….and friends!

Monogram: Does no one listen to me?

Doofenshmirtz: You kids are now banished!

Albert: dang it.

Irving: whoops. I just wanted all of us to leave,

Doofenshmirtz: Shut up and be banished!


 * COMEDIC CUT TO THEM OUTSIDE THE DANVILLE RUINS*

Albert: …Well…this sucks

Candace: Yes, and World War 2 was a minor disagreement.

Stacy: …I'll never see my mom again.

Albert: I'll never see MY mom again…

Candace: I'll never see Phineas and ferb again.

Irving: NEITHER WILL I! ….Oh and I won't see mom too.

Albert: Well this is fine mess you've gotten us into.

Candace: Yes. Yes it is.

Irving: oh, it's not that bad.

Stacy: Irving, the world has ended, that doof guy took over Danville, and we got kicked out. That is a textbook example of bad!

Irving: how would you know, you don't read!

Stacy: oh no you didn't!

Irving: I did! But I guess you didn't notice.

Candace: This is not the time for bickering!

Albert: She's right.

Irving: …So Stacy and I are going insane, and you guys are the only sane people?

Stacy: …I DON'T KNOW WHO WE ARE ANYMORE!

Irving: But anyway, I think Candace is right. We are the only free people alive now.

Stacy: Yea…but what do we do?

Irving: Well, in the movies the survivors always try to start their own society.

Stacy: oh, that could work!

Irving: Yep, I'm a genius.

Candace: don't push it

Albert: okay, then I where do we start?

Irving: First we establish a camp. It will be nightfall soon. And in a post-apocalyptic world, night is not the best time.

Stacy: Good thinking, Irving

Candace: Did you really just say that?

Stacy: Yes. Yes I did.

Albert: But we don't have any supplies!

Irving: Actually, I have some in my backpack.

Candace: …did you have that backpack before?

Irving: Nope!

Candace: …okay.


 * Silence*

Stacy: Weird. Guess Bob died.

Albert: How dark.

/

About 10 ten minutes later, camp was set up.

Albert: hope this is better than the last time I went camping with Irving.

Irving: oh come on, your butt healed!

Stacy: ah, I love a good noodle incident,.

Candace: okay, so what is our overall plan?

Irving: Well, while spying on Phineas and ferb, I've picked up a few things. We will try to rebuild Danville!

Albert: Will we have to…repopulate?

Irving: …I don't feel like answering that

Candace: …the levity of this situation just hit me. All of our friends and family are gone, and we're the last free people in the entire world!

Stacy: There's the Candace I know and is shipped with by creepy fanfic writers!

Albert: it seriously took this long for you to start freaking out?

Candace: it just happened so fast!

Irving: I know this is tough, but we'll live. Sure, we'll most likely die in a few weeks, but if we keep it up, maybe one of us will at least get the world going again!

Albert: …that didn't help at all!

Irving: This is why I'm not a motivational speaker

Stacy: So let's start rebuilding the city!


 * silence*

Albert: ….where's the quirky worky song?

Stacy: guess the singers died.

Irving: Just cut to the city being built.

/

The city was now built, though not quite well. But it was enough for now, at least until they find something better/.

Irving: So, how's the city? I built it on rock and roll…I mean good intentions.

Candace: eh, it's okay. At least I got to build the mall.

Albert: at least it's livable

Stacy: does it have any shoes?

Irving: No.

Stacy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Candace: Calm down darth vader, we can make some shoes.

Stacy: ..yay!

Candace: Wait, there's one thing we're missing.

Albert: muffins?

Stacy: pie?

Irving: oh I know a leader!

Albert: I NOMINATE ME!

Irving: Albert you can't lead an army of ducks!

Albert: tell that to my Ducky Momo MMO friends.

Everyone: …what?

Albert: Nothing

Stacy: Normally I would question Irving being the leader, but it would just cause unneeded conflict

Candace: …she has a good point.

Albert: Hmmm, argue over it and have a big election and waste time, or have Irving be the leader and eventually prove he sucks at it and cause problems anyway? ….eh I pick the latter.

Irving: see, this is what happens when you use logic.

Candace: …logic is for losers.

Stacy: true that sister

Irving: So I, Irving shall rule this city. I shall dub it…new Danville!

Candace: why not call it irvingville?

Irving: In that case I might as well have called it Egopolis!

Candace: Good point.

Irving: So I shall establish this city, and make myself known as its sole ruler!

/

A couple days later, things went to crap.

Irving was in a crappily made city hall sitting in his chair with his jaw dropped in awe. Stacy was next to him, in her old secretary outfit from when Candace was the mayor...though she wasn't due to that confusing thing.

Stacy: Well in the past two days, you have built a hospital, only for it GIVE us diseases rather than cure then, you tried to make a mall, only for it to collapse under me, and you became a dentist and I will not remind you what happened then.

Irving: Well all that stuff wore off after a while! I may have made some mistakes during the last two days, but at least the city is still standing!

Stacy: Well, I think you should give the citizens jobs, so they can contribute.

Irving: …Stacy you're a genius!

Stacy: can you call my mo-oh wait.

Irving: Tell everyone to gather here!

Stacy: you mean Albert, Candace, and that hobo that wandered into town?

Hobo: OH MY GOD THIS IS THE GREATEST TOWN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!

Stacy: I regret letting him sleep here

/

Albert: So why were we called here? I have lots of nothing to do.

Candace: and I have a Jeremy to cry about

Irving: and I bet the hobo has something to do as well?

Hobo : Nah, I'm free.

Irving: Good. Now, today I shall assign you all jobs, so you can help more.

Albert: let me guess, you couldn't handle doing everything?

Irving: …Yeah. And so I shall give you a job.

Albert: I already had a part time job.

Irving: You did?

Stacy: Yeah. He was an amateur hat maker!

Irving: Why did you never tell me about that?

Albert: Would you want your brother begging you for a free hat?

Irving: …touché.

Stacy: so what will their jobs be?

Irving: Good question. I shall pick the jobs…out of this hat!

Albert: …is it one of my hats?

Irving: E-nope./

Albert: then I object!

Irving: al, the hat picking has been a sacred tradition for centuries!

Albert: don't care.

Irving: okay, guess I'll make you the janitor then…

Albert: …fine, I'll do the stupid hat thing,.

Irving: Good! So I shall pick Albert's job…

Irving reached into a hat he pulled out of hammer space, and read the slip of paper he now had.

Irving: Albert shall be a…fashion designer!

Stacy: …what?

Albert: that's stupid! I only know how to make hats, nothing else!

Irving: The word of the hat is law, dude!

Stacy: I don't think Albert would make a good fashion designer.

Candace: yeah, have you seen his taste in shirts? Disgusting.

Irving: Too bad!

Dirty Hobo: me next!

Irving: okay, let's consult the hat!

Irving pulled another slip of paper out of the hat

Irving: this hobo will be…a surgeon!

Dirty Hobo: awesome!

Candace: I don't want that guy near my guts!

Stacy: okay, this hat thing is a really bad idea.

Irving: eh, it could be worse. He could be the bra designer…

Everyone: …what?

Irving: never mind,.

Albert: so what job will Candace get? Can't be worse than a surgeon..

Irving: let's see..

Irving picked another slip of paper from the hat of…hatness

Irving: Candace is.. A Professional bear wrestler

Candace: WHAT?

Stacy: Are you out of your mind?

Albert: This is insane!

Stacy: This is stupid!

Candace: AndAccording to 2 Guyz N Da Parque, if you're wrestling a bear then you ain't got a chance!

Irving: the hat never lies!

Albert: Irving, this hate thing is the worst idea you've ever had! Even worse than electrician Japanese tigers!

Stacy: …do I want to know?

Candace: If all you're going to do is do stupid stuff like this, I don't think I want to be in this city!

Dirty Hobo: Eh, I'm okay with this. I like touching people's organs..

Albert: And with that disturbing comment, I take my leave.

Irving: …what?

Albert: come on, you pull this stuff and expect us to STAY?

Irving: Well…yes. It is how this plot works. You do the jobs, you screw up at them, you get mad, and THEN you all leave!

Stacy: Well…we'll skip to the leaving part!

Albert: Stacy, you too? I thought I'd have to convince you to leave with us.

Stacy: I was convinced when the hobo became a surgeon!

Candace: I am not wrestling any bear, So I won't be sticking around here!

Irving: You can't leave…because you're banished!

Albert: You can't banish us, because we are leaving!

Irving: You can't leave if you're already banished!

Albert: We can't be banished if we're already leave-

Stacy: Okay, we get it!

Albert: …sorry.

Dirty Hobo: Eh, I'll stick around here.

Irving: Well, fine! I don't need you anyway! I can rule a city all by myself!

Albert: So guys, shall we leave before we regret our decision, which we will in a few hours anyway?

Stacy: Yes. Yes we shall…a be.

Albert: That's my line

Stacy: Sorry.

Candace: enough yapping. Let's leave.

Stacy: funny how fast this whole thing is going. I feel like the world ended only several scenes ago. Either time just moves fast, or this episode is really rushed.

Candace: and that's one less part of the world that's intact.

They then finally went off to exit new Danville, leaving Irving in his office…with a dirty hobo.

Irving: Who needs them anyway? We can run this city by ourselves!

Dirty Hobo: ..Nah dude. I was only here because there was a dude with nun chucks here. Now I'm outta here.

Irving: Why didn't you go with them?

Dirty Hobo: There were two ladies there, man! I smell like rancid cat barf, for Pete's sake! You gotten respect a ladies personal space when you smell like rancid cat barf.

Irving: yet you stayed here while she was here?

Dirty hobo: don't question my motives. . Dirty hobo is out, peace!

Irving: crud…

/

Albert, Candace, and Stacy were now outside of new Danville.

Stacy: so what now?

Albert: Well, the way I see it, Irving will try to hold the fort by himself for about two hours. Once he sees he needs us, he will run out and try to find us, and after a grand musical number, we will help him out, build the city to be better than doofville back there, then in a couple months, the citizens of doofville will overthrow doof, come to us, we'll merge, and then us, plus Irving, shall share custody of the world, and all our friends will be alive, and no harm will come to anyone.

Candace: …you sure do plan ahead.

Stacy: and that's why I picked Albert over some jock.

/

Irving: *Sigh* well, it looks I'm alone. Might as well go sulk for an a couple days and then realize I need them back.

Irving went to go that when suddenly…he bumped into something shadowing and in the background.

Irving: hey, shadow-y background guy! Move out of the way! …hey, what are you doing? Hey, don't-

/

Candace: So how long until Irving turns around?

Albert: about two hours. In the meantime, we stay around here.

Stacy: what if Irving gets into serious trouble?

Albert: don't worry, he won't. He'll just get really sad and then ask us for help. We will only go back there if we hear him yelling for help. If he does that, he's in danger.

Irving: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Stacy: oh no, he's in trouble!

Albert: he didn't say help!

Irving: HELLLLLLLLLLLLP!

Albert: he didn't call for us.

Irving: ALBERT, CANDACE, STACY! HELLLLP!

Albert: dang it. WE'RE COMING BRO!

Candace: are you going because he yelled?

Albert: nah, I just thought it would be funny. I wouldn't let my brother stay with an empty city during the end of the world. I'm not that much of a jerk!

/

The three ran back into the city, and into Irving's office.

Albert: Irving, what's going on?

They looked to see that Irving was standing in front of a hooded figure. The robe said hood was on was insanely huge, preventing them from seeing any of the figure.

Irving: thank goodness! This creepy guy with the really huge robe is gonna…hurt me, I guess!

Stacy: who are you, creepy guy?

Creepy Guy: I shall not tell you right now.

Candace: how am I supposed to insult you if I don't know your name?

Creepy Guy: you won't be alive to find out.

Irving: Look creepy guy we-…did you just say "Won't be alive"?

Stacy: look, if you think you're going to hurt us, you are sadly mistaken!

Albert: and explain who you are and what's going on!

Creepy Guy: sorry, but you being alive was not part of our plan. Therefore, we must eliminate you before we visit your precious Danville…

Candace: why do you want to visit Danville? Why must you get rid of us?

Irving: and what you mean by we?

Creepy Guy: that information is classified. All you must know is that we must visit Danville, and you must be out of the way so you won't tell everyone about us.

Irving: So I'm guessing you are a bunch of mutants that survived the end of the world, and wish to take over what's left of the world, and we are getting in the way of that, and so we must be killed?

Creepy Guy: I can neither confirm nor deny that.

Albert: stop being so cryptic!

Creepy Guy: that statement shall not addressed

Stacy: okay, stop talking like that!

Candace: if you're going to kill us, do it!

Creepy Guy: fine, if you say so.

Everyone: CANDACE!


 * ONE CLEVER SCENE TRANSIATION LATER*

The four were now tied to a nearby pole, with the creepy guy standing in front of them/.

Irving: that was a very sad defeat.

Albert: let us never speak of it again.

Candace: great, now we're gonna die

Stacy: no we won't

Creepy Guy: nah, I'm gonna kill you.

Albert: wonderful. Simply marvelous!

Stacy: we are not going to die!

Irving: okay creepy guy, I don't care who you are or anything. I just wish to know how you will kill us.

Creepy Guy: I will tell you.

Stacy: oh come on you stupid pile of crud! You think you can just waltz up, do all this shi-

Creepy Guy: I…shall SHOW you!

Then suddenly, a laser looking gun peeked out from his sleeve. His hands were still not visible, but they could see enough to know what was going on.

Irving: a laser? That's it.

Creepy Guy: sometimes the simple weapons are the most affective.

Albert: he's right.

Irving: …*Sigh* go ahead.

Candace: Irving, what are you doing?

Irving: succumbing to our fate. This guy will kill us and there is nothing we can do about it. Doof will end up killing everyone else back in Danville, and this guy will be the only living thing on earth.

Stacy: come on, don't be so negative!

Albert: besides, this guy's gonna kill everyone in Danville before doof does!

Stacy: …not helping, albert.

Irving: go ahead, and kill us. I give up.

Candace: oh no this isn't going to be a big sappy scene, is it?

Irving: ew, no. I just feel we should just let them kill us so we can come back from the dead as zombies!

Candace: …go ahead, kill us/

Albert: …should I object?

Stacy: nah, I bet Irving has a plan.

Irving; uh….sure, let's go with that.

Creepy Guy: it is now time for your demise.

The creepy guy points his laser at the kids.

Creepy Guy: I shall enjoy this greatly.

The laser charges up…

Creepy Guy: good bye.

He was this close to shoot it…

Albert: goodbye cruel world…

But then, just as the creepy guy was about to shoot….there was another bright blast that hit the creepy guy and sent him to the ground!

Creepy Guy: oof! That's what I get for not shooting first.

Candace: who was that?

The figure that shot the creepy guy ran to where the kids were. Then they saw that he was…

Everyone: JEREMY?

Irving: …Even M night wouldn't have seen that coming.

Candace: Jeremy, you've come to save us!

Albert: …yes. Yes he has

Jeremy: I know this seems too awesome of a thing for me to do, but let me explain.

Stacy: that pharmacist guy was getting too much, so while he was taking a nap, you ran off to find us, since no one else wanted to do it, and took some weapons with you, and shot the creepy guy when you saw him about to kill us.

Jeremy: …that's right.

Stacy: yea, why is that shocking?

Jeremy: no reason.

Candace: and that is why I love him.

Albert: I deeply apologize for any bad things I have said about Jeremy. I now hate you a little bit less.

Jeremy: …thanks?

Stacy: where did your sudden awesome-ness come from?

Jeremy: I guess I've always had it. Just never felt the need to use it

Irving: okay, Jeremy being awesome aside, we have to get back to Danville.

Jeremy: okay, good. I snuck out before doof could see me. We just need to get back, and we can solve the whole banishing problem later.

Candace: Wait, how are we going to get back in?

Albert: she's right. We can't just walk right into town!


 * IRONIC SCENE TRANSITION*

Albert: you know, I CAN believe we're walking into town. Stupid Gilligan cuts…

Candace: so do we have a plan, or are we walking in and hoping nothing happens?

Jeremy: I don't know, I didn't think I'd get this far.

Albert: I knew the awesome=ness wouldn't last long.

Irving: when did you leave town, Jeremy?

Jeremy: this morning.

Stacy: but it took us like two days to get to where we built new Danville!

Jeremy: you moved slowly. I went fast.

Stacy: eh, fair enough.

Irving: so based on the behavior patterns of Doof that I've been studying, he should be taking his seconds nap of the day right now.

Jeremy: …how do you know this?

Irving: don't ask.

Albert: seriously. Don't.

Irving: so let's just head to a safe area in town and once there, we'll figure out what we'll do for the rest of our lives.

Jeremy: sounds good. Let's do this.

The four continued to walk into town. It seems that Irving was right; there was no doof in sight. (Hey I rhymed)

Irving: okay, so far so good. Let's just make sure no one calls any attention to us.

Albert: Aaaaand, he jinxes it.

?: THEY'RE BACK!

Suddenly, they were hounded by the other Danville citizens, who came out of hiding.

Stacy: oh there you are…everyone.

Citizen #1: how did you survive?

Citizen #2: did you get lost?

Crazy old coot: DID YOUFIND ANY GOLD?

Irving: whoa, slow down everyone. I never imagined anyone would be this happy to see me. Anyway, all questions hall be answered during this dissolved showing a passage of time.


 * DISSOLVE*

Irving: and that's how new Danville was made….and other stuff happened.

Crazy Old Coot: aw, no gold?

Albert: What is with this guy and gold?

Phineas: that's really cool, Irving. But what are you going to do now?

Irving: I'm going to Dis-,…uh, I mean I'm not sure yet, I never thought I'd get this far.

Jeremy: I said that first.

Irving: I don't see your name on it.

Candace: I think we've had enough pointless arguing for one day, boys.

Irving: whatever.

Albert: how come no one's been cheering Jeremy for being the reason we're even here?

Jeremy: YOU'RE the one pointing that out?

Albert: of course. The fact you became awesome stuck in my mind.

Random Guy: oh yea. We forgot.

Everyone: YAY JEREMY…AND THOSE OTHER GUYS!

Irving: okay, now that we've settled, we just need to-

?: HEY YOU!

Albert: hey watch the caps, buddy.

They looked to see the voice was coming from…Doofenshmirtz!

Doofenshmirtz: I'm not your buddy, pal

Everyone: ,eh saw it coming.

Irving: Seriously, that accent is glaring.

Doofenshmirtz: Well excuse me, princess!

Albert: So close, but yet so far…

Doofenshmirtz: I wake up early from my nap to see the people I've banned are back, and one of my citizens rescued them. Do you know how that feels?

Irving: I don't think I WANT to know.

Doofenshmirtz: Well it feels quite unpleasant!

Albert: do we really care how you feel? You're evil!

Doofenshmirtz: evil people have feelings too.

Albert: so do good people and I don't normally care about them.

Doofenshmirtz: Whatever, I didn't angrily stomp here to argue with a nerd.

Albert: too late.

Doofenshmirtz: Could you please be quiet before I just harm you without thinking.

Albert: sure, why not.

Doofenshmirtz: judging by the lack of question mark, I think that was sarcasm!

Albert: Weren't you in the middle of chewing us out?

Doofenshmirtz: oh yea. So as I was saying: I banish you and you dare to come back!

Irving: it's a long story. Allow me to explain…

'*DISSOLVE*

Irving: and that's all I have to say about that.

Doofenshmirtz: Well, I must commend you for surviving all that without dying. Even if you had to get rescued by some pretty boy. And I must commend him for being awesome.

Jeremy: is me being awesome so hard to believe?

Everyone: yes. Yes it is.

Candace: oh screw you all!

Doofenshmirtz: but wait, how did he get so awesome anyway? He must have learned it somewhere.

Candace: maybe he was just born that way.

Jeremy: uh, actually, I have a confession.

Irving: oh this should be good.

Candace: what is it?

Jeremy: You see, after you were banished, we knew we had to get you back. I volunteered to rescue you, but of course they all laughed.

Albert: can't say I blame them.

Candace: shut it.

Jeremy: so anyway, I was wondering myself how I could save you. And while I was wandering around the remains of Candace's house, I ended up in some underground lair.

Irving: Agent P's HQ!

Jeremy: yea! So after I figured all that out, perry showed in there. I think he wanted to close it off since the world was over. After I told him my situation….he kind of trained me to do the rescue mission.

Phineas: hey, you never trained us!

Perry: …grgrgrgr?

Ferb: in a previous lifetime perhaps.

Jeremy: So yea, he trained me and that's how I was a bad enough to dude to save you guys.

Doofenshmirtz: I was wondering where perry the platypus was all this time.

Stacy: okay, can we skip to the part where doof tries to do something really bad to us?

Doofenshmirtz: Well fine, Miss Impatient! You have come back despite being banned, AND pretty boy here ran away to help them come back. That's a double crime!

Albert: and what exactly is the punishment? Being under your rule is bad enough.

Doofenshmirtz: …that's actually a good point. Having to be under my rule is punishment enough.

Albert: told ya.

Doofenshmirtz: but since I'm evil, I think there can never be enough punishment!

Candace: nice going, Albert.

Albert: oh shut up.

Doofenshmirtz: and for your heinous double crime, I say that you shall-

?: Stop right there!

Irving: what's with all the question marks today?

Doofenshmirtz: what the heck?

They looked to see it was….the creepy guy! Only this time…he brought identical friends.

Albert: oh great, it's this guy again.

Candace: and he brought friends.

Irving: yes, I read the narrator, dude.

Creepy Guy #1: You were able to escape my wrath.

Creepy Guy #2: but you won't escape now that we're here!

Doofenshmirtz: oh look, it's those guys from your backstory. Those are some really big robes.

Albert: why do they wear those anyway? You think showing their mutant bodes would make us more scared of them, and thus unable to fight back.

Creepy Guy #3: we have our reasons. But seeing as you won't be seeing anything ever again, we might as well show you our true form.

Stacy: but everyone else in town is here too.

Creepy Guy #1: Well since they'll be getting used to us, I think it's about them they know what we really are.

Doofenshmirtz: well? What are you waiting for? Take it off!

Albert: …no comment.

Candace: what do you think he looks like?

Albert: he can't be uglier than doof.

Doofenshmirtz: he-eh good point.

Stacy: okay, give us your worst.

Creepy Guy's: okay, feast your eyes on this!

The creepy guys then ditched their huge robs. And now their true bodies could be seen by everyone. And it turns that in reality, they were not humans, nor mutants they were….

Everyone: VENDING MACHINES?

Albert: THOSE are the guys trying to dominate us?

Vending Machine #1: yes, we are indeed vending machines. It's a long story, but you see, we became tired of being pushed around by humans. So a nice man decided to help us out, and now are evil and are ready to become the dominate race!

Doofenshmirtz: see I told you all! I've been preparing for this my whole life! You all said I was crazy! But I was right!

Candace: wait, this whole thing makes no sense.

Vending Machine #2: it doesn't have to make sense, we have a monster truck!

Stacy: …no you don't./

Vending Machine #3: well, we still don't need to make sense. So if there are any holes in our brief backstory, keep them to yourself.

Albert: Worst handwave ever.

Irving: So we are being attacked by vending machines who wish to become the dominate race. This has been a strange day.

Albert: wait…were YOU the ones who ended the world?

Vending Machine #1: you got it! We decided to finally take over the world by ending 90 percent of its population!

Candace: YOU are the ones who caused all this! I…can believe it. Phineas and ferb have done weirder things than this.

Phineas: yea, we have.

Doofenshmirtz: I for one welcome our new vending machine overlords. Would you like some coins?

Vending Machine #2: that would be nice.

Irving: so what are you going to do to us? Kill us?

Vending Machine #1: Well, no. We have decided to just dominate you.

Candace: …no comment.

Stacy: Dominate us, eh? I'm willing to bet that won't end up happening.

Vending Machine #3: and why do you figure that?

Stacy: The episode has been running long enough already.

Albert: that poor fourth wall…

Candace: I'm sure something quite serendipitous will happen in a few seconds

Albert: I'm shocked serendipitous was spelled right

Irving: *looks up* hey, what's that?

Stacy: What's what?

Irving: That.

They all looked up to where Irving was pointing to. And now, they saw what he mean.t

Candace: is that a…

Albert: Water balloon?

Yes, there was indeed a giant water balloon in the sky. And it was headed right for them.

Irving: oh look, there's a giant water balloon headed right for us…

Albert: should we scream?

Irving: Yes.

Vending Machines: Now you shall-wait,….WATER BALOON?

The humongous balloon then landed right on the vending machines. The balloon let loose tons of water onto the machines.

Vending Machine #1: NOOOOOO!

Vending Machine #2: THE WATER!

Vending Machine #3: IT'S TOO MUCH!

Stacy: What's going on?

Phineas: I think the water is short circuiting the machines!

Irving: Oh yea, I forgot that these scary guys were just vending machines at their core.

Vending Machines: NOOOOOOOOO!

Stacy: Could you just die already?

Vending Machines: …k

The machines then all fell into a crumpled heap. They were finally defeated.

Doofenshmirtz: Well, I never thought of that. I collected all those coins for nothing!

Candace: Where did that water balloon come from, anyway?

Irving: Over there.

They looked to where the water balloon came from and they saw it was from a certain building…

Everyone: DOOFENSHMIRTZ EVIL INCORPERATED!


 * Silence*

Doofenshmirtz: Dang it, the slacks died too?

Stacy: This is a really dark episode.

Albert: Why would there be a giant water balloon coming from DEI?

Doofenshmirtz: don't look at me; all I've done in there today is sleep!

Irving: Take a look.

They all looked back to DEI to see what could have flung the balloon. They saw two interesting sights.

Doofenshmirtz: Hey, it's my water balloon inator! I made it to fling giant water balloons at my enemies! I just…never used it that much.

The other sight was the person who was using the inator…

Everyone: PERRY THE PLATYPUS?

Perry got out his trusty glider and went safely to where everyone else was.

Doofenshmirtz: That was…actually quite expected. You are the good guy after all.

Phineas: Perry, you saved us from certain doom!

Irving: That is AWESOME!

Candace: Now I see why Phineas and ferb are so fond of him.

Albert: Now that is a platypus worthy of a theme song.

Monogram: okay, enough praising. We know Agent P is great.

Doofenshmirtz: ohai Monobrow.

Monogram: Stop calling me that!

Doofenshmirtz: NEVER! By the way, why were you so silent for past few minutes?

Monogram: …I don't know. Anyway, I must speak to the kids…and Perry.

Doofenshmirtz: Go ahead. I can wait.

Monogram: Thanks. Irving, Albert, Candace, Jeremy, and Agent P, you have shown immense bravery in-oh screw it. Let me cut to the chase. You were all super awesome today.

Irving: Thank you.

Stacy: This is the 98th time I've been called that!

Candace: Gee, who did it the first 97 times?

Albert: Shut it.

Irving: So what do you get?

Monogram: The knowledge you have done well!

Albert: …really?

Monogram: what, were you expecting a medal or something?

Albert: …maybe

Monogram: The world ended. There are no medals to give. Sorry.\

Irving: eh, I don't want any stinking medal anyway. I faced the end of the world and evil vending machines! I think the fact I can say that sentence is good enough.

Candace: Eh, I guess you're right.

Albert: so now what?

Doofenshmirtz: Well, I have to apologize for…all this. I was being a little power crazy back there.

Everyone: A LITTLE?

Doofenshmirtz: Okay, Very power crazy. But now that all is said and done, I'd like to just…share the world. We can build it from the ground up and we can worry about that leader nonsense another time.

Monogram: I hate to say this…but doof's right.

Irving: Now that proves it's the end of the world.

Phineas: Yea, we should forget about all this nonsense and just work on re-building the world. With us, it should only take a few weeks!

Doofenshmirtz: Well it seems like it's settled.

Phineas: Who wants to rebuild the world?

Everyone: *cheers*

Ferb: I'd like that.

Stacy; Well, this is the most insane day I've ever had.

Albert: Eh, I've had weirder days.

Stacy: oh you…

Candace: okay, enough…of that. Let's rebuild this thing!

Irving: Well, this is weird. It's almost like this entire thing is a simulation or something.


 * SIMULATION OVER*

Doofenshmirtz had finished watching the simulation his what if inator had just presented to him.

Doofenshmirtz: So…That is what would happen if the world ended. Uh….how…interesting. That was a very…fascinating simulation.

Perry halfheartedly nodded.

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the platypus, I think I am going to take a nap. This…has been a strange day for me. You can go back to Major Monogram and just tell him you defeated me early.

Perry complied and quickly crept away before things got even weirder.

Doofenshmirtz: That was insane. Well, nap time for me!

Doof walked off to go take his nap. However, the what if inator was still running. And the simulation was still presenting itself…


 * SIMULATION*

Irving Well the world is starting to look almost half way decent.

Albert: I agree, brother.

Stacy: I just have one question.

Albert: Yes?

Stacy: What caused the vending machines to rebel anyway?

Irving: …That's a good question. I actually don't know.

Albert: Do we do still have the…"bodies" of them?

Irving: Yes, why?

Albert: bring me one of them.

Irving: …Uh, sure. Whatever floats your boat I guess.

About a minute later, Irving brought him the remains of one the killer vending machines.

Irving: Here is the remains of a killer vending machine. That was an amazing sentence.

Albert: Okay, let me inspect this thing…

Stacy: I hope you know what you're doing.

He began to inspect it.

Albert: Let's see…aha! I got something.

Irving: What it is?

Albert: There's a photograph in here.

Stacy: why is there a picture in there?

Albert: I don't know. Let's take a look. The caption says "Our leader". This must be the guy who made the machines to insane!

Irving: Who is it?

Albert: Don't know.; He's kind of ugly. I'll look on the back.

Albert flipped the picture to look at the back of it.

Albert: take a look. It says this guy's name is…

Everyone: ARNOLD HIKING?

THE END?