User blog comment:PlantyThePottedPlant/Random Topic Blogging III: Blog Harder/@comment-3006892-20131216165725/@comment-25533515-20131218031629

yoo i bet you can finish before i can even finish the draft for my nuzlocke c:

im gonna say it here since i dont have an account on FF and anon wont work for me but you should try to avoid paragraphs of descriptions, such as the very first few paragraphs where Ninten is introducing himself, its introduction but you could have gotten away with his name, a bit of his family but avoid describing life stories, those details can be brought up as side notes in conversations or brought up when they are more relevant to the plot (also avoid introducing your character as "'boring and normal" it usually makes the character seem "normal and boring" with no personality depth, its also a bit lazy since backstories are the backbone to your character's personality).

Last thing, but i felt that Ninten was acting a bit too old, he is still an eleven year old and even smart mature kids still act dumb and like kids so try writing him closer to his age. i can see why it feels that way, since u are older and the story is written in first-person so try not inserting too much of yourself into characters, especially since you are writing using "I" and "me". Other than that, wow you write really really well with few syntax flaws cc: