Alexispalooza Parts 1 and 2

This is a special episode of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews "Alexis Texas: The Movie" and "Alexis Texas Guitar Hero". Alexis Texas is Suzy Johnson's alter ego. Carl obviously DOES NOT like this franchise.

Memorable Quotes in Part 1
Carl: Hi, I'm Carl and I review terrible songs. One of the songs I've been asked to review is "Can't Be Tamed" by Suzy Johnson.

Suzy: I can't be tamed, I can't be changed, I can't be blamed...

Carl: Yes, you can be blamed, Suzy. I was, indeed, going to review your terrible, terrible song. But before I even got the chance to listen to it a few times, that single sank like the Titanic.

Carl: This is really embarrassing. I'm not the best person to be reviewing this movie because, to be honest, I haven't watched much of the show.......Actually, I did watch about ten minutes of it in a hotel room once, and after than brief interaction, my premise of the show is this. A, Robert Johnson can't ACT, B, whatever this is needs to die, and C, Suzy Johnson plays Suzy Johnson who lives a double life as pop star Alexis Texas!

Carl: We start off the movie with a bunch of obnoxious screaming teenage girls, clamboring to get into an Alexis Texas concert, including, for some reason, our main character and her best friend, Stacy.

Suzy: We have to get in there.

Stacy: Yeah, our names are on the list.

Ticket Lady: (nicely) Isn't that nice? (annoyed) In your dreams, sweet cheeks!

Stacy: (pulls Suzy aside) You are the only pop star I know that can't get into her own concert!

Carl: (laughs) Wow. She can't get into her own concert. How does that happen? Actually, that's a legitimate question. How DOES that happen?

Carl: Despite the secret life thing, being a megastar is clearly going to Suzy's head, like "gee, who could have realized". Her agent, Lindana, who also had a career, takes her out shopping instead of doing important things, like seeing her brother Jeremy off to college, or attending Stacy's birthday party. She also gets in a shoe fight with Candace Flynn, who I am also informed is another celebrity of some kind.

(shows Suzy and Candace fighting over shoes)

Candace: YES! YES! (Suzy throws a purse over her head and Candace falls to the floor)

Carl: Okay, this is stupid. I find it hard to believe that one of our seasoned and mature singers would lower herself to fighting publicly with a dumb, busting-her-brothers starlet like Candace Flynn.

Carl: They attract paparazzi, which means that Alexis can't change back into Suzy, and she ends up upstaging Stacy at her own birthday party.

Coltrane: (about to kiss Stacy until he sees Suzy dressed as Alexis) Alexis Texas!? (drops Stacy to the bottom of a skate thing)

Stacy: (screams)

Suzy: Happy birthday, Stacy! Happy birthday!

Stacy: (looks angry and starts leaving her party)

Carl: Suzy gets dragged into performing, and somehow the band knows Alexis Texas's movie by heart, and (sarcastically) Oh no, Stacy's rollercoaster-skateboarding-millions of people birthday party is ruined.

(shows a clip of Carl's last birthday, where NO ONE showed up)

Robert: A shoe fight!? You got into a stinkin' shoe fight!? This is absolutely, tink-totally, without a doubt unacceptable!

Carl: Yeah, I'm sure Suzy misses the days where the only trouble she could get into is fighting over shoes. (pictures of "the Suzy Johnson scandal" pops up).

Suzy: Hello, New York! (a cow moos in the background, signaling that she is in middle of nowhere Tennessee)

Robert: Suzy, all you wanted to do was sing. Alexis let you do that, and you still have a normal life.

Carl: She's already scarred by paparazzi, and if a child star's life wasn't screwed up enough, why not add a pile of secrecy and lies?

Suzy: So you're saying that I can never be Alexis again?

Robert: .....Ask me again in two weeks.

Suzy: TWO WEEKS!?

Robert: Think of this as "Alexis detox".

Carl: Because Robert Johnson has raised such an entitle (bleep) of a daughter, they rightly leave her (bleep) on the side of the road. Fortunately, there's a horse for her to ride on, and a love interest to help her out.

Irving: ....Suzy? We were in first grade together.

Suzy: (annoyed) I remember you, okay?

Irving: I guess I had a big crush on you back then...don't worry...I'm over it.

Carl: As if Alexis Texas was enough of a girly fantasy, we've now added ponies and boys. Throw in some sparkly vampires, and you'll have everything.

Carl: They make it back to the house, where their cousin Cain is hanging out for some reason, and we meet Robert's new love interest, played by....oh, Morgan, no! I didn't think you could sink any lower than being dumped by Perry the Platypus, but Robert Johnson, that does it for you.

Suzy's aunt Diana: (holding a plate with Elvis) Thank you for THIS. (puts it in a china cabinet) I've been saving him a place of honor.

Robert: (attempting to woo Morgan)

Carl: See if you can guess what happens next. Does Robert, A, discuss the political ramifications of Iran's nuclear system, or B, bumble into the plates like a moron? If you guessed A, then please, go see a doctor.

Robert: (bumps into the plates)

Diana: (Screams)

Suzy and Jeremy: (watches)

(All plates except the Elvis one breaks. Robert saves it)

Robert: (accidentally breaks the Elvis plate)

Diana: (looks upset)

(Switches scene to show Irving and Coltrane in a car accident that is Irving's fault)

Irving: Did I do that? (laugh track plays)

Coltrane: (resists urge to smack Irving)

Suzy: (looks at a picture of a younger version of herself with her mom. It comes to life)

Carl: Whoa, are we in Hogwarts now!? You're a wizard, Alexis!

Trivia

 * Suzy is 14, Stacy is 15, Jeremy is 18, Candace is 18, and Irving is 14.
 * Albert is a main character in the show, but he is barely in the movie. He made a very small cameo at Stacy's party.
 * In the show, Stacy and Albert begin to date, and there is a big uninteresting drama about it. They dated after the movie, since Stacy had almost kissed Coltrane in the movie.
 * Robert is Jeremy and Suzy's dad.
 * Jeremy and Suzy's mom is dead.
 * Cain, Nan's character, makes a cameo.
 * The car accident thing with Coltrane and Irving is a reference to a show called "Family Matters" where the nerd would always do something wrong, and ask "Did I do that?"
 * Morgan is the woman who was supposed to be Doofenshmirtz's date in "Get That Bigfoot Outta My Face". She is also obsessed with Perry, but Perry dumped her.