The Worst Songs of 2009

Carl reviews the worst 10 songs of 2009 in this episode of "Carl's Pop Song Reviews".

Memorable Quotes
Carl: I watch a lot of movies, and one movie that caught my eye was "Alexis Texas: The Movie". Yeah, I watched it. Shut up. I had my reasons. Anyway, how was the movie? Well...

Suzy: I'm gonna add a little hip hop to this hoedown. (starts singing the "Hoedown Throwdown").

Carl:...Yeah. That's a whole other review.

Irving: (in the movie, talking about Suzy's song) It doesn't tell me anything about who you are, or what you feel.

Carl: Suzy sings "The Climb".

Suzy: I can almost see it. That dream I'm dreamin...

Carl: That's right. Suzy's "big transition" into emotional song writing and depth is portrayed in one of the most banal, brain emptying song in history.

Suzy: It's the climb...

Carl: You want to know what this song is? It's this. (shows a picture of a sunset that says "Life") Wow, groundbreaking. Any insights you wanted? (shows a picture of a cat hanging from a tree).

Carl: Everyone always says "Oh, producers can make anyone sound like they can sing". Well, they sure can't make Suzy Johnson sing! She does NOT have a SINGING voice! Maybe you don't realize that hearing the billions of times you've heard this song, but do you remember the first time, when you were thinking, "Oh god, why were they making this poor five year old with a tummy ache try to sing?"

Irving: It doesn't tell me anything about who you are, or what you feel.

Carl: God, I hate to hear what that first version sounded like.

Carl: A lot of Jenny's songs are about how she's angry at a man. I don't know, but about seventy percent are about her viciously pummeling some guy who did her wrong. But instead of taking one guy at a time, why don't you take out a bunch at once?

Jenny: (starts singing "If I Were A Boy")

Carl: You see, Jenny thinks only guys hurt the ones that love them.

Jenny: (in the song) And chase after girls

Carl: Only guys cheat.

Jenny: And I never get confronted for it, cause they look out for me...

Carl: And girls never have their friends look out for them when they school around. (getting angry) Yeah, that's the way it works, huh? No, I'm not bitter.

Carl: I'm not a thirteen year old who just got dumped for the first time, and neither is Jenny. What possible explanation is there for this!?

Jenny: But you're just a boy

Carl: And you're just an overrated pop singer. Next!

Carl: Whenever you hear child performers, you always get that one, who's got all the talent and grace. But most of the time, you get Ferb Fletcher.

Ferb: (starts singing "One Time".)

Carl: No. Send him back to the minors for some seasoning! This kid sounds terrified! It doesn't help that he was saddled with a terrible song. The production already sounds dated, and it breaks one of the ten commandments of music. YOU DON'T LET TEN YEAR OLD WHITE BOYS USE THE WORD "SHORTY"!

Ferb: Whatever you want shawty, I'll give it to you.

Carl: If only he said it one time, instead of a BILLION times!

Ferb: (sings "One Time" one too many times, including some that aren't even sung by Ferb)

Carl: No more times! I thought kiddie music like this was supposed to be on Radio Disney or Nickelodeon. How did this kid slip through the crack? By his British accent? (makes a "what the heck" face).

Phineas: (sings "Kiss Me Thru the Phone")

Carl: (sarcastically) I think Phinny Boy's getting better. Where to even begin...

Carl: (talking to his phone) Bye, honey, see you soon. (kisses the phone and closes it) The end. THE END! As far as romance goes, that's as romantic as occasionally making eye-contact. Or am I missing something here? (opens the phone and makes out with it, then stops) That was a terrible idea.

Carl: PFSC has twenty six consecutive weeks in the top 40, thirteen of them being "I Got a Feeling". Why did this happen? Well... (pause) Because it's awesome! But no really, it amazes me how probably their best song was immediately preceded by one of their worst.

Coltrane: Gotta get that that that that that!

Coltrane, Stacy, Ferb, and Phineas: Boom boom boom!

Coltrane: Gotta get that!

C,S, P, and F: Boom boom boom!

Carl: Why do I like one song and not the other. Well, one's about some goofballs having a good time, and one's about a bunch of idiots telling me how greater they think they are than me. '

TBC