What Doesn't Kill Vanessa

This is an episode of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews the song "Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) by Vanessa. He thinks this isn't Vanessa's best song.

Memorable Quotes
Carl: Today, ladies and gentlemen, I give you a rare spectacle: When a reality show star sells out.

Vanessa: (singing) You know the bed feels warmer, sleeping here alone...

Carl: To explain why anyone from a reality show would sell out to begin with, I'm going to have to give you another history lesson in pop music. In the late nineties and early two-thousands, we had a certain understanding about pop starlets. They were very hot and marketed as (bleep) symbols, made music that were either synthetic dance jams or coo-cooing love songs, and had little to no depth in their lyrics. Basically, they were real life versions of Bratz dolls and were made from the same materials.

Carl: But somewhere in the middle of that decade, a new kind of pop star took over. The kind that thought being a professionally marketed studio act didn't mean sacrificing their sincerity or losing a connection to their music. These were acts like Candace Flynn, Isabella Garcia-Shapiro, even Stacy Hirano to some extent. And one of the artists in that genre was Danville Idol winner Vanessa Doofenshmirtz.

Vanessa: (singing) A moment like this...

Carl: For the first phase in her career, she was dismissed as a vocally-talented, but personality-free girl from the vapid show Danville Idol that claimed that they made "real music". But then, "Since U Been Gone" hit, and all of a sudden, average pop fans and music critics were enchanted by the story on how this underperforming reality show winner shook off her handlers, took control of her career, and made the music that /she/ wanted to make. And for a while, Vanessa Doofenshmirtz was someone who should be taken very seriously, especially when she announced that her next album would be more personal and darker and wouldn't use any professional songwriters. It was a very controversial move. It brought her in conflict with her record head, who thought people wouldn't like it.

Carl: Keep in mind, at this point, Vanessa was the girl next door to her fans. Cute, but not a supermodel, and somewhat forgettable......It certainly wasn't this.

Vanessa: (singing) I hope the ring you gave her turns her finger green, I hope when you're in bed with her, you think of me...

Carl: That first single was so bitter and abrasive it made "Me Myself and I" sound like "Whatcha Doin'". And the public didn't seem to care for it either. The album sold poorly, Vanessa ended up cancelling a major tour and fired her manager in the aftermath. I guess there wasn't a spot in the world for a pop star that wasn't supermodel hot or rail thin to make an album full of bitter break up songs.

Carl: But after that, she's been pretty successful, but she hasn't been as relevant or interesting. Neverless though, on her last single "Stronger parentheses what doesn't kill you". A title, right off the bat, that tells you what the other titles of the songs on this album are. "In Yourself (Believe)". "Give Up (Don't).

Vanessa: What doesn't kill you make you stronger, stand a little taller, doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone....

Carl: (looks unimpressed) ....Ee-yup. You know, I really did like Vanessa at one point, but I've listened several times to this four-chord borefest---pop song chord, like them, love them, live them.

Carl: So in case the title didn't give it away, Vanessa has been dumped.....again.....but she's okay because you know what makes me feel better after a break up? Cliches~! Lots of them.

Vanessa: What doesn't kill you make you stronger, stand a little taller, doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone...(skips parts) Just me, myself, and I....

Carl: (sarcastically) When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! Nice guys finish last! Knowledge is power! Winners don't use drugs! My god, the pain of being dumped is already fading!

Carl: Yeah, what doesn't kill you make you stronger. Or, what doesn't kill you is killing you slowly. I read that on the internet.....ten years ago. The rebuttle to the cliche is now a cliche itself! That's how cliche it is!

Carl: Way too many of her songs in the past have sounded like "Since U Been Gone", or have been about the same thing as "Since U Been Gone". I've heard this.

Vanessa: I get what I want!

Carl: I've heard this over and over again because this is like the fifth version of "I Will Survive" that she's recorded. Heck, the song "Mr. Know it All", the single she released right before this is about the same thing!

Vanessa: Mr. Know it All, well, you think you know it all, but you don't know a thing at all, ain't it, ain't it something y'all...(skips parts) Mr. Bring-Me-Down, always like to bring me down....

Carl: (sarcastically) Stunning. Yeah, let me write that next verse for you. (starts singing and playing a piano) Mr. Pick-Your-Nose, always like to pick your nose, yeah, you always pick your nose, with your fingers up your nose.

Vanessa: You know the bed feels warmer, sleeping here alone...

Carl: Pfft! Yeah, right. It doesn't feel real. It's not as interesting as Candace's string of hits and it's worse than Jenny's man-bashing hits. At Jenny is human enough to feel angry.

Carl: The guy in this situation sounds...less evil. In "Mr. Know it All", the lyrics are kind of clumsy, but at least we get the details on how jerky this guy is.

Vanessa: You ain't got the right to tell me, when or where to go, no right to tell me....

Carl: He's the kind of douchebag that puts everyone down to feel better about themselves. He's controlling and arrogant. I get that. That at least sounds like a real person. But in "Stronger", the way she describes the guy almost sounds...cartoonishly evil.

Vanessa: Think you've got the best of me, think you've had the last laugh...

Carl: (in an evil voice) Mwahaha! I broke up with her, and now she's all heartbroken and (bleep)! Mwahahaha....what?

Vanessa: What doesn't kill you make you stronger, stronger...

Carl: (in an evil voice) She's totally okay with it because she's strong and independent!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Curse you, Vanessa Doofenshmirtz!

Carl: Seriously, who was this guy you dated? Stommeling? And isn't it a little hypocritical to call this guy vindictive and then brag to him about how great life is now that he's gone? She talks about how she can do what she wants....

Vanessa: Do the things I want....

Carl: She talks about how she can go to all the places she wants to go to, she talks about eating at fancy restaurants and yadda-yadda-yadda.

Vanessa: You've heard that I was starting over with someone new....

Carl: Yeah, you've got a new guy now and he's totally awesome and great, yeah-yeah-yeah.....wait a minute! What happened to "I'm not lonely when I'm alone"!?

Vanessa: Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone...

Carl: You were sleeping alone. Did I imagine that?.................You just made this guy up, didn't you? Does he live in Canada? Is he not around much? Yeah, I don't believe for a second that this song was inspired by anything except for the fact that self-empowerment songs sell well. But if this actually happened to a person, I would say they're in deep denial because no one thinks like this. That's all I have to say on this one. It's unoriginal, it's unconvincing, my least favorite Vanessa song in a while, and (phone rings) ...What's this? (answers the phone)

Stacy: (who has tears in her eyes and has mascara running down her cheeks) Hey Carl, I'm sorry I've called you for the sixtieth time today, but are you sure you don't want to watch some Glee episodes with me? How about the new Whitney Houston one? I haven't tied you down and made you watch that. You wanna do that right now?

Carl:....Yeah, answer's still no.

Stacy: (begins sniffling)

Carl: ....Look, how do I put this gently? I know you think you need me, that without me, life is torture, and...(doorbell rings) Pizza's here, gotta go. (puts down the phone and leaves)

Stacy: (while crying) Well, you know what? Fine! What doesn't kill you make you stronger, and you've made me stronger by your rejection! And you know who puts up two thumbs and enjoys all the loneliness? Me, that's who! And you know this air where you could be kissing and touching me right now, it feels good! (runs away crying)

Carl: (comes back holding a pizza box. He puts it down and picks up the phone). Hello? Still there? Hello? (shrugs and begins eating a slice of pizza) Pizza makes me stronger. (walks away)

(show ends)

Trivia

 * The creator likes this song
 * There was an actual Glee episode where they sang Whitney Houston songs. It was....meh, but they completely ruined "I Wanna Dance With Somebody", >:(