Doofermarket Creep

Phineas and Ferb in "Doofermarket Creep"

An Episode-Script-Style Fan Fiction

Story, Gags and Dialogue by R.W. Mead

Based upon the Walt Disney Television Animation series "Phineas and Ferb,"

created by Dan Povenmire and Jeff "Swampy" Marsh.

All "Phineas and Ferb" characters and elements ©Disney.

No ownership of this property is intended or should be implied.

[Open on an establishing shot of the Flynn-Fletcher household.]

CANDACE [V.O.]: I know, right?

[Cut to Candace in her bedroom, talking on the phone.]

CANDACE: It's my first job!

[Cut to Stacy in her bedroom, talking on the phone as well.]

STACY: Where are you working again?

[Cut back to Candace.]

CANDACE: Sergeant Pork's. You know, that supermarket near the mall?

STACY [V.O.]: Isn't that that supermarket with a Mr. Slushy Burger inside? That's where Jeremy works, isn't...

[Cut to Stacy.]

STACY: Wait a minute, you just took this job so you could be near Jeremy all day?

[Cut back to Candace.]

CANDACE: Yeah, I know. Isn't it great?

MOM [yelling from offscreen]: Candace! Time for work!

CANDACE: Sorry, Stace. Gotta go. Bye! [clicks off phone and makes an excited "Eeee..." sound to herself]

[Cut to an establishing shot of Sergeant Pork's Supermarket. It resembles a normal supermarket, only with a sign on the roof depicting a cartoon pig in military uniform next to the words "SGT. PORK'S BARGAIN BARRACKS." The family car is parked at the curb near the entrance.]

MOM: I'm so proud.

[cut to Mom and Candace inside the car.]

MOM: [sniffs, as if holding back a tear] My little girl's first job. She's growing up so fast!

CANDACE [exiting the car and walking to the front of Sergeant Pork's]: Oh, don't worry, Mom. It's just a job. It's not like I'm running away to join the army or...

[Candace nearly walks into a man dressed similarly to General George Patton, complete with riding crop, which he uses to emphasize his statements. The man, who is Candace's boss [referred to here as "Sarge" for lack of a better name], speaks in a stereotypical drill instructor voice, a la R. Lee Ermey. He is nearly half Candace's size, if not shorter, and other than the voice is not really an imposing figure. Despite this, Candace still is frightened of him and snaps to attention whenever he speaks.]

SARGE [stopping Candace in her tracks, causing her to vibrate in place slightly mid-step] AT EASE, PRIVATE! Ah, so here's our new recruit, bright and early! I like that in a soldier!

CANDACE [slightly confused]: Soldier...?

SARGE: They say an army marches on its stomach. So the goal is to give the troops the food they want at the price they want, and bring them back to their post quickly so they don't defect to the enemy!

CANDACE [again, slightly confused]: Post...defect...?

SARGE [in an ordinary, somewhat nerdy voice that sounds nothing like his drill instructor voice] Get the customers home happy so they don't shop somewhere else instead. [Drill instructor voice] A soldier is nothing without their uniform! [cartoonishly slaps a uniform quickly onto Candace. The uniform slightly resembles a military uniform, not surprisingly. It also has a hat resembling an army helmet, only with a cartoon pig comedically dangling from a spring on the top. After the uniform is placed on Candace, a cell phone falls from Candace's body onto the ground. Sarge picks it up.] And there are to be NO communications with the outside world while on duty! [crushes cell phone in his hand] For all we know, you could be giving secrets to the enemy!

CANDACE: So, what do you want me to do, Mister...

SARGE: You will address your commanding officer as "Sir!"

CANDACE [laughing] Oh, I get it. Sir. Because of the whole...military thing...

SARGE [nerdy voice]: No. It's short for Sergio. [drill instructor voice] All right, private! You're on the front lines!

CANDACE: Front...lines...?

SARGE [nerdy voice]: Cashier.

[Cut to Candace standing behind register #13 with a bored look on her face. An elevator music version of "Gitchee Gitchee Goo" can be heard in the background.]

CANDACE: Wow. I didn't realize that standing in one place for hours at a time could be so...boring. [Notices the speakerphone at the register] At least they give you something to do while you're waiting for customers! [Picks up the phone and attempts to dial it, causing loud beeping noises to come in over the loudspeaker. Candace puts the phone to her ear. Her voice is amplified by the loudspeaker] Hello? Hello? [Cut to a scene in the supermarket, where shoppers are looking up at the ceiling in confusion from Candace's "announcement"] Stacy? Are you there?

[Cut back to the register. Candace is angrily banging the reciever on her register in an attempt to get it to work]

CANDACE: Why won't this thing...

[Quick pan to reveal Sarge]

SARGE: PRIVATE!

CANDACE [shocked, instinctively salutes]: Yes, Sir!

SARGE: That phone is for communicating with your superiors only!

CANDACE: Yes, Sir!

SARGE: A rookie mistake. I'll let it slide this time. Now make me proud, Private!

CANDACE: Yes, Sir! [Sarge leaves as Candace turns her head to an off-screen customer] Welcome to Sergeant Pork's Bargain Barracks, where high prices just fade away. How can I help you?

CUSTOMER [somewhat younger than Candace, maybe around Phineas and Ferb's age]: Yeah, do you know where PeRi [pronounced "perry"] is?

CANDACE: Per...what?

CUSTOMER [holding up a piece of paper with "Peroxide Rinse" written on it. The first two letters of both words are circled.]: Peroxide Rinse. You know, for your teeth?

CANDACE: Oh, right. Is that what the kids are calling it nowadays? [Picks up speakerphone and talks into it] Where's PeRi?

[As the traditional Perry leitmotif- that's a fancy word for "character theme song"- plays, cut to a close-up of a front conveyor belt of another register- we can only see the cashier's hands in the shot. A number of items roll down the belt, including Perry, who is positioned as if he was a stuffed animal. The hands quickly ring each item and place them offscreen, then pick up Perry, scan him a few times- first slowly, then frantically as if angry that he won't ring up- and then angrily toss him over to the other side of the register near the back conveyor belt. Perry places his fedora on his head, opens the hinge behind the back conveyor belt and jumps in.]

[Cut to the briefing room. A bunch of supermarket garbage, such as onion skins, plastic bags, etc. fall onto the chair, followed by Perry, who is also covered in a few pieces of garbage.]

MONOGRAM: Oh, there you are, Agent P. Recently, a new supermarket has opened up in town called the "Doofermarket." At first, we were thinking that it was supposed to be "Foodermarket" and that they put the "food" part up the wrong way on the sign- even though Foodermarket isn't really a word- but then we realized that Doofenshmirtz probably has something to do with it. So go out there and see what he's up to. Unless, of course, it turns out it actually is supposed to be Foodermarket. In which case, do...well, nothing.

[Perry runs out of the chair, hops into a motorized shopping cart, and speeds away as the traditional singers end the scene with a "Perry!"]

[Cut back to Candace at her register.]

CANDACE: Hmm. I haven't seen Jeremy yet. I wonder where he is. Hmm. Wonder where Phineas and...wait a minute! If I'm here, I won't be able to see what Phineas and Ferb are up to! Those boys are always up to something, and now that I'm here, they'll be able to...[gasps]

[Cut to Candace's POV. Walking towards the register are two figures, which we- and Candace- can only see the tops of. It appears to be the top of Phineas and Ferb's heads. Back to the shot of Candace at the register.]

CANDACE: They must be shopping for parts for today's plan! Perfect! [Candace reaches out to grab Phineas and Ferb.] You're not getting away with it this time [picks up what she's holding into camera view]...tiny clown holding a piece of broccoli?

[Candace is surprised and slightly disturbed that it is indeed a tiny clown with Phineas's hairdo holding a piece of broccoli whose top resembles Ferb's hairdo.]

CLOWN [in an almost Brookylnish accent, similar to Buford's voice, only higher-pitched]: Hey, a clown's gotta eat, too! This is discrimination!

[Pan to reveal Sarge standing next to Candace]

SARGE: PRIVATE!

CANDACE [dropping the clown offscreen in her shock, snapping into a salute] Yes, sir!

SARGE: That is NOT how we handle the troops here! The front lines are obviously NOT the place for you! You're being reassigned to resupply!

CANDACE: Resupp...?

SARGE [nerdy voice]: Stocking shelves.

[The clown's hand comes up from offscreen, pointing a finger at Candace]

CLOWN: It's a good thing my brudder's a lawyer!

[Cut to establishing shot of the Doofermarket.]

SINGERS: Doofenshmirtz evil supermarket!

[Cut to inside the Doofermarket, where Doofenshmirtz is standing. Perry, on the motorized shopping cart, speeds up next to him.]

DOOF: Ah, Perry the platypus! How nice of you to drop in. What's that? You didn't drop in? Oh, don't worry, you will!

[Doofenshmirtz pulls a lever next to him, causing Perry and the cart to fall into a hole which emerges. A lobster cage rises out of the hole, containing a number of lobsters and the now-trapped Perry]

DOOF: Behold, the catch of the day! Now, you may be wondering, why would I open a supermarket? Well, you see, when I was a child, whenever my parents did the weekly shopping, they would always leave me at home!

[A quick shot of Perry looking up, as if to say "so what?"]

DOOF: Yeah, I know, it's not much. I'll admit up front I haven't really thought this whole thing out- I'm still trying to figure out what exactly an evil supermarket would entail. I mean, is it a supermarket that sells only evil products? Or is the supermarket itself inherently evil? Maybe the shelves are so high that nobody can reach anything? That would be pretty evil, but it would also be detrimental to the profit margin...

[As Doofenshmirtz is speaking, one of the lobsters wiggles its antennae. Subtitles appear reading "Compared to this, a hot butter facial is looking pretty good right now."]

[Cut to Sergeant Pork's, where Candace is placing boxes of cereal on a shelf. Two cardboard boxes are next to her- one which she is taking the cereal boxes out of, and one which remains sealed.]

CANDACE: Wow. I didn't realize there could be something more boring than standing in place. Now I'll never be able to find out what Phineas and Ferb are...

[Candace notices the markings on the side of the sealed cardboard box, which reads "PF Cereal"]

CANDACE: PF Cereal? Great! Phineas and Ferb made their own cereal! [Happily opens the PF Cereal box and starts to reach inside] When Mom comes to pick me up, I'll be able to show her all these boxes of...Pimento Flakes?

[POV shot of Candace holding a box of cereal marked "Pimento Flakes." A jingle plays.]

Why loaf around at breakfast time? Don't be a phony, Start your day with Pimento Flakes, They're good...and that's no baloney!

[Candace growls and crushes the box of Pimento Flakes between her hands]

SARGE: PRIVATE!

CANDACE [snapping to attention and saluting]: Yes, Sir!

SARGE: I know nobody likes Pimento Flakes, but that doesn't mean you have to take it out on them. You're obviously a threat to both people and food. I'm re-reassigning you to a post where you won't be in contact with either: recon duty!

CANDACE [confused]: Recon...?

SARGE: [nerdy voice]: Security.

[Cut to the Doofermarket. Perry is still in the lobster cage as Doofenshmirtz continues his monologue. As he does so, Perry picks up one of the lobsters and uses its claw as a glass cutter to cut a hole in the cage.]

DOOF: ...not to mention the fact that "Doofermarket" isn't really that original a name. Like I said before, I was pressed for time. But I still have this nagging feeling that people are going to think it's supposed to be "Foodermarket." I know that's not a word, but...

[A large wave envelops Doofenshmirtz, revealing him soggy and with a lobster hanging from his nose as other lobsters appear on the now-wet ground.]

DOOF: Great. As if I already didn't have enough problems, now the inventory's escaping. [gasps] Perry the platypus?

[Cut to reveal Perry holding a pricing gun]

DOOF: How are you going to hurt me with that? [sarcastically] Oh, you're going to shoot little sticky price thingies at me! I'm SO scared!

[Perry leaps and smacks Doofenshmirtz in the face with the pricing gun. Perry and Doofenshmirtz pick up two plastic bars used to divide orders on the registers and fight with them as if they were fencing. Doofenshmirtz drops his and sprays Perry with aerosol whipped cream, leaving him with a Santa Claus beard. As Doofenshmirtz laughs proudly, he notices Perry has disappeared. Doofenshmirtz notices a cereal box marked "FREE PRIZE INSIDE" and greedily digs through it, only for the "free prize" to be Perry, who kicks him in the face.]

[cut to the Sergeant Pork's security room, where Candace is seated in front of the security monitors]

CANDACE: Wow. I didn't realize that staring at 16 monitors showing nothing would be more boring than staring at nothing! You'd think I would've figured that it would be...16 times more boring or something. At least there's an actual phone here! [Candace picks up the phone on the desk and dials] Stacy?

STACY [V.O.]: How's the job going?

CANDACE: Not too well. I'm running security.

[Cut to Stacy's room.]

STACY: Aren't you a little young for that?

[Cut back to Candace.]

CANDACE: Well, apparently, I'm a threat to both people and food.

STACY [V.O.]: Yeah, I guess I can kinda see that.

[Cut back to Stacy.]

STACY: It must be cool, though. I mean, being able to see everything that goes on.

[Cut back to Candace.]

CANDACE: Wait a minute...seeing everything that goes on...THAT'S IT! I'll be able to use the security cameras to spy on what Phineas and Ferb are doing!

[Cut back to Stacy.]

STACY: But wouldn't Phineas and Ferb have to actually be in the store in order for you to see them on the security cameras?

[Cut back to Candace.]

CANDACE [disappointed]: Oh, yeah. I never thought of that. Wait a minute...what's that?

[Cut to a shot of one of the security monitors, showing the window at the front of the store. The Doofermarket can be clearly seen across the street.]

CANDACE: Doofermarket? I don't remember that being there before. Ha! Phineas and Ferb are so dumb they can't spell "Foodermarket" correctly! Not that "Foodermarket" is an actual word or anything...wait a minute! Stacy, you're a genius!

STACY: Would you call my mom and tell her that?

[Cut to the Doofermarket. Perry and Doofenshmirtz are comedically rolling on watermelons while juggling produce as circus music plays. Perry picks up a banana, peels it, and throws the peel on the ground, causing Doofenshmirtz to trip.]

DOOF: Okay, Perry the platypus. You've had your fun. But now it's time for the special of the day: YOUR DOOM!

[Pan out to reveal the shelves are filled with lit fireworks and Perry is holding a match.]

DOOF: In retrospect, placing the matches and the fireworks in the same aisle wasn't one of my brighter ideas.

[Cut to an exterior shot of the Doofermarket, which launches into the sky.]

DOOF [V.O.]: Curse you, Perry the platypus...!

[Pan out a little to show Candace standing next to the window, her head turned away from it. Mom walks into frame]

MOM: Okay, Candace, what did you want to show me?

CANDACE: Look, Mom! See! [Candace points to the window]

[Mom and Candace both look out and see fireworks]

MOM: Ooh. That's very impressive...although I don't see why someone would set off fireworks during the daytime when they're not as visible.

CANDACE: But...but...

[pan to reveal Sarge]

SARGE: PRIVATE!

CANDACE [snapping to attention and saluting]: Yes, Sir!

SARGE: Abandoning your post? That's treason, young lady! You are obviously not cut out for this outfit! You are DISCHARGED!

CANDACE: Dis...

SARGE [nerdy voice]: You're fired.

[Outside Sergeant Pork's, Candace looks despondent until Jeremy walks up to her.]

CANDACE: Oh, hi, Jeremy.

JEREMY: Hey, Candace. How was your first day?

CANDACE: Not too good. I was fired.

JEREMY: Sorry to hear that.

CANDACE: Where were you, anyway?

JEREMY: I was at the mall today. I was going to invite you, but you never picked up your phone.

CANDACE: But what about...

JEREMY: My job? I thought I told you I don't work on the weekends. Too bad. It would've been fun working with you.

CANDACE [giddy from romance]: Yeah.

MOM [offscreen V.O.]: Candace!

CANDACE [going back to "reality"]: Gotta go. Bye, Jeremy!

[cut to Phineas and Ferb, sitting on the couch in the living room. Candace walks in.]

PHINEAS: Oh, hey, Candace. How was work?

CANDACE: Not too good. I was fired.

PHINEAS: Oh. Sorry to hear that.

CANDACE: I know you boys built your own supermarket while I was at work today!

PHINEAS: Actually, we couldn't think of anything to do today. Although I do like that idea. Shopping could be a lot more fun. Thanks for the suggestion, Candace!

[Candace appears to be dazed and/or confused, unaware of what's going on. Perry walks in.]

PHINEAS: Oh, there you are, Perry.

[Perry growls]

MOM: Boys! I'm home! [to herself] That's funny. I looked up and down the cereal aisle, but I couldn't find the Pimento Flakes. I hope they weren't discontinued.

FERB: Some things just weren't meant to be made into cereal.

PHINEAS: You can say that again, Ferb!

FERB: I'd rather not.

[Cut to black.]

[Credits scene: a man resembling the tiny clown, only wearing a business suit, is seen in an office. A somewhat rounded box is around the scene, implying that it's being seen on a television. The man speaks in a monotone, almost like Jack Webb.]

LAWYER CLOWN: Have you or someone you know suffered an injury from a car accident, slip and fall, medical mishap? Or been discriminated against due to size and/or occupational status? If so, call the law offices of Moncrief and Tinyclown. You'll get what you deserve...and we're not clowning around.

[cut to show Phineas and Ferb on the couch watching TV]

PHINEAS: I don't know about you, but that guy doesn't seem like he'd be an effective lawyer.

[Pan out to reveal Candace standing next to Phineas and Ferb, wearing a comedically oversized barrel of the sort used to represent poverty or lack of money.]

CANDACE: Oh, he is. Trust me.

[END.]

Original Final Draft December 19/20, 2009