The Klimpaloon Ultimatum/Transcript

Part 1
(Song: My Undead Mummy (instrumental))

(Scene opens up on the Flynn-Fletcher house at early sunrise.)

Candace: (offscreen) Okay, Stace. Let's try again.

(Cut to Candace's bedroom where Candace is playing with Stacy's face.)

Stacy: (mumbles)

Candace: It's really more in the cheeks. Like this: "Nang nang nang nang nang nang nang..."

Stacy: Oh, I give up! It's a good thing you won that contest to perform backup with Love Händel.

Candace: Yes, in The Ballad of Klimpaloon, I will be playing Klimpaloon. Check out my Klimpy style!

Stacy: Girl, I have already cashed that check, and I don't even know what that means.

Candace and Stacy: (giggle) Girl talk!

(horn honks)

Linda: (offscreen) Honey, the limo's here to take us to the award show!

Candace: Be right there! (gasps, to Stacy) I gotta go!

Stacy: You go, girl!

(They attempt to high five each other, but miss.)

Candace: Let's never speak of this again.

(Cut to the living room. Phineas and Ferb are dressed in tuxedos reading a book on the couch. Linda and Lawrence walk in dressed as Lindana and Max Modem, respectively.)

(*They will be noted as Lindana and Max Modem from this point on.*)

Max Modem: Come on, boys. Time to go.

Phineas: You guys look great!

Max Modem: Well, Lindana and Max Modem have to look their best when presenting our category, don't we?

Lindana: Whatcha got there?

Phineas: This is the first journal of the famous explorer, Sir Alvin Shackleberg. He was the first person to sight Klimpaloon, the magical old-timey bathing suit that lives in the Himalayas. We got this to help Candace research her "Nang nang nangs" for The Ballad of Klimpaloon.

Max Modem: How marvelous. It reminds me of the time when—

Candace: Sorry, Dad, there's no time for that now. We gotta go while I'm still in the zone. (walking like Klimaploon) Nang nang nang nang nang nang nang.

Phineas: She's good. (gets off the couch and walks out with Ferb) It's like Klimpaloon was right here in the room with us.

(Cut to outside.)

Phineas: Whoa, sweet limo! Ferb, I know what we're gonna do tomorrow! (Ferb shows a blueprint) How do we do it? Hey, where's Perry?

(Cut to Perry putting on his fedora. He runs off and gets a yoga mat and meditates.)

Doo bee doo bee doo bah

Doo bee doo bee doo bah

Perry: (chatters)

(Psychedelic transition to a hilly plain. We hear Indian music. Major Monogram appears floating on a cloud with a third eye on his forehead, long flowing hair and a beard, wearing an Indian robe and playing a sitar.)

Major Monogram: Ah, Agent P, I see you got the memo. It's Transcendental Meditation Week. Namasté. (He bows and Perry bows back.) Doofenshmirtz has been spot—Carl, enough with the drumming!

(Whip pan to Carl and both Agent D's playing djembes on another floating cloud.)

Carl: Sorry, sir, I just, sorta, got into a groove.

(Cut back to Monogram and Perry.)

Major Monogram: Anyway, Doofenshmirtz has been spotted as a seat filler at the Fourth Annual 24-Hour Tri-State Area Music Awards. As you know, Doof's brother, Roger, is emceeing the event. We're not sure what he's up to, but we need you to suss it out. (His floating cloud starts to rain.) That's the... That's the cloud. Good luck, Agent P!

(Psychedelic transition back to the backyard. Perry runs off, then runs back to take his yoga mat with him.)

(Cut to the pavilion where the awards are being held. Applause is heard.)

Announcer: Live from Random Stadium, Random Swimwear presents The 4th Annual Tri-State Area Music Awards: The Tristies! Sponsored by Random Swimwear. Be wet...arbitrarily. Tonight's musical guests include Love Händel, Slamm Hammer, Tiny Cowboy, 2 Guyz N the Parque, Danny and the Jaytones, the Paisley Sideburn Brothers, Marty the Rabbit Boy and His Musical Blender, and many, many more. Seriously, many more, 'cause it's...it's 24 hours. And now, welcome your host and lovable mayor, Roger Doofenshmirtz!

Roger: We've got a lot great music for you tonight, and a lot of...other music. So let's get things started, shall we? Please welcome to the stage our presenters for the fact-based song category, the girl who just wants to have fun and the guy who, I guess, wants fun to have with. Lindana and Max Modem!

(Song: I'm Lindana and I Wanna Have Fun!/Alien Heart (instrumental))

(Cut to Candace offstage.)

Candace: Yeah! (whoops) Go, Mom! Go, Dad!

(The microphone raises up from the platform, but it only goes up to Lindana and Max's legs.)

Stage Manager: (offstage) Just go! Just go! I'll fix it later!

Max Modem: (bends down) Our first nominee for...

Lindana: (also bends down) ...the fact-based song category is, Slamm Hammer, with their hit, Trees are Made of Wood.

(applause. Whip pan to the band Slamm Hammer playing their song.)

(Song: Trees are Made of Wood)

Slamm: Wow! Trees are made of wood!

(The song ends. Slamm drops the mic and the band leaves to applause. Cut back to Lindana and Max as the microphone suddenly raises up way too high. Cut to the stage manager giving a thumbs up. Lindana gets on Max's shoulders. Cut to the audience where Doof is seen sitting.)

Lindana: (offscreen) The second nominee in the fact-based song category are the Hockey Hooligans with Hockey Z-9.

Doofenshmirtz: (talking over) Excuse me. Pardon me.

(Song: Hockey Z-9)

Doofenshmirtz: Excuse me. Excuse me, pardon me.

Hockey Hooligans: Oh, yeah!

Doofenshmirtz: ''Excusez-moi. Con permiso, por favor.''

Hockey Hooligans: Don't turn away, I'm talking to you, sir

'Bout the post-apocalyptic sport of the future

Doofenshmirtz: Hee hee!

(Cut to backstage as the song continues. Doof sneaks into a door labeled "wardrobe". Agent P follows him. Cut to the Wardrobe room.)

Perry!

Doofenshmirtz: Aha! Perry the Platypus, your timing is incredible! And by that, I mean, "Completely credible!!" (Traps Perry in a wig) But you've found yourself in a hairy situation! Because of the trap, it's...Which is a wig. Stop me if you've already made the connection. Anyway, you're just in time for my latest inator. (Takes out a spray bottle.) Behold! (Perry just looks at him unimpressed.) I know what you're thinking. And, no, I did not invent a spray bottle, Perry the Platypus. Just stay with me through my backstory, alright? You see, I was reading The Danville City Charter...again, when I learned an interesting fact.

(Flashback.)

Doofenshmirtz: (voiceover) Back in 1805, Danville actually elected a warthog as mayor. The public was fed up with the previous administration and thought, "Hey, what's the worst that could happen?" Nepotism, that's what. He filled the cabinet with his uncles and brothers and distant cousins and all of City Hall was full of swine. Except for one chair that they kept empty, so y'know it wouldn't be...

(End flashback.)

Doofenshmirtz (cont'd): ...so conspicuous. So it was decided never to allow another warthog to be in a position of authority. Pe-Perry the Platypus, are you texting while I'm monologuing?! (He is. Doof takes the cell phone away. Perry simply shrugs.) Y'know, I'm just gonna hold onto this until I'm done, (puts phone in his pocket) 'cause I can get your full attention. Anyway, I'm thinking, "Nepotism. City Hall. My brother, Roger." And suddenly, I know what to do! Turn my brother into a warthog!

(Flashback to D.E.I., where Norm is in a tub stomping on some warthogs.)

Doofenshmirtz: (voiceover) So, through the use of pseudo-technology, I created this elixir, that, when sprayed on an individual, actually transforms them into a warthog.

(End flashback. Perry simply looks at him again.)

Doofenshmirtz: What? I said, "pseudo." Anyway, once I collected enough elixir, I put it in this: my Warthog-Sprayer-inator! See? There's a method to my lameness. I'm gonna find out when Roger's on stage and then I'm gonna turn him into a warthog in front of everybody! That will remove him from power because of the aforementioned Warthog Nepotism Act. But, y'know, the embarrassment is just a...it's a cherry on top.

Stagehand: (passing by) Right this way, Mr. Mayor.

Doofenshmirtz: (gasps) Now's my chance! (kisses) Peace out, Perry the Platypus!

(Doof storms out the door. Perry opens the door with his duck bill.)

(Cut to backstage.)

Stagehand: Love Händel with Candace Flynn, you're on in five!

Candace: OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OM—

(Cut to the stage. The microphone is now way too low. The stage manager beckons for them to move on. Max shrugs.)

Lindana: I guess just introduce the next act.

Max Modem: (sticking his head into the hole) The last nominee in the fact-based category, The Ballad of Klimpaloon sung by Love Händel...

Lindana: (also sticking her head into the hole) ...who are joined by contest winner...

Lindana and Max Modem: Candace Flynn!

(applause)

Ferb: (wolf-whistles)

Phineas: Go, Candace!

(record scratch)

Slamm: I object! The song does not belong in the fact-based song category! Klimpaloon is not real!!

Phineas: What?!

Ferb: What?

Lindana: What?

Sherman: What?

Danny and Bobbi: What?

Candace: What?

Everyone: WHAT?!?!!

Sherman: My nana told me stories about Klimpaloon.

Slamm: Well, that's not good enough. Seeing is believing! And no one has ever seen Klimpaloon!

Candace: Um, excuse me, but I have seen him!

Phineas: That's right! You tell 'im, Candace!

Mr. Random: (emerging from the shadows) I'm afraid that's not good enough either.

Brendan: "(Also emerging from the shadows)" I second that.

Max Modem: Ladies and gentlemen, Mittington Random and his boss!

(applause)

Mr. Random: Thank you, Max...errr...whoever. Mittington Random here, sponsor of the show and President of Random Swimwear. You're welcome.

==Part 2==

(opens up on The Tristies)

Roger: (offscreen) Welcome back to the Tristies!

(Cut to the soundproof booth where Love Händel, Max and Lindana are waiting.)

Roger (cont'd): Our next category...

Max Modem: And then, the hobo gave it back to me, quixotically. And that was the day before we met! So the next day at breakfast, I ordered poached eggs with salmon. But I didn't have poached eggs with salmon! Ha ha!

Danny: I wonder how the boys are doin'.

(Cut to Phineas and the gang trapped in a cave by Mr. Random.)

Candace: Get us down from here!

Mr. Random: Uh, that really didn't align with my plans, sooooooooo....nnnnnot gonna happen. Anyway, it's my boss you want to speak to, not me. Well, gonna go. Brought to you by Random Swimwear!

Candace: Hey, he didn't even tell even tell us who his boss is!

???: I think you already found him.