Candace Wants Jeremy Back

This is an episode of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews the song "Want U Back". He thinks it's a bratty and annoying song.

Memorable Quotes
Carl: Let's talk about England for a second. (screen shows various pictures of all the British characters from P&F) Well, I mostly review American music, and I've covered some truly awful songs on my show, but let me tell you right now. Bad American pop music will never EVER be as bad as bad British pop music.

Phineas, Ferb, and the Fireside Girls: (singing extremely badly) Itsy-bitsy, teeny-weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini...

Carl: Yes, they gave us Max Modem. They gave us a lot of music that they can be proud of. But their standards in bad are a billion times worse than ours. We have Irving and PFSC as examples of bad pop acts. We are so spoiled. We didn't declare are independence so we didn't have to pay ridiculous taxes to a greedy king. We declared our independence so we didn't have to listen to stuff like this.

Two of Doof's backup dancers: (while dancing in skimpy outfits) We are the blondie girls, we are the blondie girls, you are the blondie boys, you are the blondie boys...

(screen shows Jeremy, Coltrane, the unnamed drummer, Albert, and Monty)

Carl: One of Britain's biggest acts is some boy band that only came in third on "The Ferb Factor" a couple years ago.....I will have to deal with this "Five Danvillians" thing someday. But let's look at the person who came behind them. That one Candace Flynn.

Candace: (in a British accent) Hello!

Carl: Candace Flynn is fifteen. She was only thirteen when she tried out on "The Ferb Factor". To her credit, I will say that she's a talented singer, and her voice has a lot of personality and power on it. On the negative, she raps.

(screen shows Candace rapping)

Carl: Here's her adding a rap verse to "Bouncing Around the World".

Candace: I hear Jerusalem, bells are ring-a-dingin, all my choirs singin.... (screen shows Ferb with a "wtf" expression)

Carl:.....yeah.....but hey, she was on a Ferb Fletcher reality show. If there's anything Ferb Fletcher's good it, it is finding good singers, then completely sanding off any personality they had and making them sing manufactured pop music, and Miss Redhead here probably won't be an exception, right?

Carl: .....Um, I've actually heard of Candace Flynn well before this year, and I need to thank all my British viewers out there, because without them sending me e-mails and links to it, I probably wouldn't have heard her best-selling, chart-topping debut single....(sighs).... "Swagger Jagger".

Candace: (rapping) You can't stop looking at me, staring at me, be what I be, you can't stop looking at me, so get up out my face!

Carl: (sarcastically) Thanks guys! (fake smiles)

Carl: "Swagger Jagger" is one of the most fascinating unbearable songs I've ever heard. Yes, it was a number one hit over there. In it, she denounces all the swagger Jaggers who jack her swag.

Candace: (singing) Swagger jagger, swagger jagger, better get some of your own....

Carl: Wait, what is that sample from?

Heinz: (singing badly) Oh my darlin, oh my darlin, oh my DAAAAAAAAAAAARLIN CLEMENTIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!

Carl: ....Jesus.....what the (bleep) is this? This is like a mix of Stacy and the Bettys and some teeny-bopper vomit. Turn this off.

Carl: "Want U Back" is about Candace dumping her boyfriend who moved on to bigger and better things, and now she wants him back after seeing him with someone else. She's got a few tricks up her sleeve to win him back. For example, when you have deeply wronged your lover, one that you cruelly cut out your life, what do you do? Well, here's a technique I learned from Major Monogram. Open with a direct insult.

Candace: Hey, boy you never had some game, thought I needed to upgrade....

Carl: (sarcastically) Gee, thanks. What would I do without you in my life?

Carl: Or, if apologies aren't your thing, try the seduction route. And ladies, if there's a guy you want to snag, here's a trick that'll make any man turn to putty in your hands. End every sentence with a violent grunt.

Candace: You got me, got me like this (growls angrily).....way, way, way (growls angrily).....want you back (growls angrily)

Carl: I'm not sure why those are there, or what they symbolize. This break up song seems like she's either giving or receiving a punch in the stomach.

Carl: And if none of those tactics are working, you can fall back on your next trick. A big pile of teenage mean girl (bleep). Guys love that!

Candace: Now, I see you be hanging out, with that other girl in town, looking like a pair of clowns, clowns, clowns (growls angrily)

Carl: (laughs sarcastically) Heheheheh....oh my god, I hate you.

Candace: She ain't got nothing on me, tryna rock those ugly jeans, jeans, jeans...

Carl: High school has just let out for the summer, and I have no desire to return. I don't need my radio to remind me of how godawful teenagers are. I remember.....oh god, I remember....

Carl: I said that this was about her trying to win a guy back, but it's not. It's about an immature little (bleep) and her every ugly thought wrapped up in a pop package. I don't think we're supposed to sympathize with the song's awful narrator; I think the song knows she's awful. But I think we're supposed to find this cute. I don't. I'm too mature for this. I am too mature to enjoy this conniving high school drama. Look, breakups are no fun, especially when you initiated it and now you regret it. But here's a life lesson. When you break it off with someone, you gotta keep it classy. Let's take me, for example. Last week, I was out on this date with this girl who had the hots for me, and what can I tell you, we just clicked.

(screen shows Carl and Vanessa at a Slushy Burger)

Carl: So, like, this Izzy GS song is, like, really bad, like, really terrible. Have you heard it?

Vanessa:....I don't really listen to pop music...I don't think I know who she is....

Carl:....Okay....

(screen cuts back to the show)

Carl: But eventually, I had to tell her that I couldn't be tied down right now. I had too many things going on. She was just crushed, she looked like she was going to cry. I felt really bad, but I needed to be single right now. That's just how it is!

(screen cuts back to the date)

Carl:....So..... (awkward silence)

Vanessa: .....You into the Scraping Fangs?

Carl:....I'm not really into the heavy stuff....

Vanessa: I'm outta here. (gets up and leaves)

(screen cuts back to the show)

Carl: Now I've heard that she's found this new guy, but I'm not jealous. I'm not insecure about it. I'm perfectly fine with it because deep down, she wishes she could be with me.

(screen cuts back to the date)

Carl:....So..............(awkward silence).....how about the weather?

(screen cuts back to the show)

Carl: That new boyfriend probably isn't real. He probably "lives in Canada". Right........Was I talking about something? Oh yes, the song.

Carl: You know what would make this song better? If we got the guy's point of view. It would give the song perspective. It's the reason "Somebody That I Used To Know" is the classic that it is. In this case, we do get the guy's point of view....kind of. Apparently, there is a guest verse where Candace gets shut down by some guy named Buford. Except he's not on the American release, he's only on the UK one, even though he was a finalist on "The Ferb Factor" in America. I don't get it. Furthermore, I think we need the guy's point of view. I don't get why we don't get to hear this guy's verse.

Buford: (begins rapping)

Carl:.......Holy (bleep), how old is this kid, like, ten?

Buford: (rapping) Dates in front of your place, so you could see it all...

Carl: Great, you're a stupid little brat playing stupid high school games, too. You know what, you should get back with her. You deserve each other.

Candace: And you might be with her, but I still had you first...

Carl: "You first"? Who cares? No one cares who had who first. It's whoever has him last that wins. You're playing a terrible game, and you don't even know the rules! You both are idiots.

Carl: I managed to get through Isabella's "Girlfriend" without feeling offended, and Vanessa's "Misery Business", but this crosses a line. This crosses my line of mean girl catty (bleep)iness, to the point where I can never find a song like this attractive. What's going to happen is that he's gonna take her back because he's a kid, and kids are morons, and she'll probably push him around again and dump him, and then he'll probably spend the next few years posting things on the Internet about how women suck because everyone involved in this is illogical. Let this end.

Candace: Do I sound like a helicopter? (makes a helicopter noise)

Carl: You mean here's the sound of you ripping off Stacy!?

Stacy: I like your beard...

Carl: YOU SUCK!

(episode ends)

Trivia

 * The creator liked this song because the beat was good, but never paid attention to the lyrics. Now, she doesn't like it that much.
 * The "Blondie Girls" song at the beginning is a parody of the "Cheeky Girls" song. Yes, that exists.
 * "The Ferb Factor" is a parody of the "X-Factor".
 * "Five Danvillians" is a bad parody of "One Direction". The creator couldn't think of a better name.
 * Izzy GS is a parody of Nicki Minaj
 * The creator DOES NOT hate Candace; Carl does.