From Coltrane to Vanessa

This is an episode of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl and Stacy review the movie "From Coltrane to Vanessa". This movie is one of the worst movies of all time.

Memorable Quotes
Carl: .................(sighs)

Albert: (singing) You were just somebody that I used to know...

Carl: (sighs and looks at his notebook. The notebook says "Albert is")..........I...I just got nothing.....THIS is the number one song in the country? THIS!? I don't know anything about this guy. I don't know any Albert material. Screw it. (rips the page out of his notebook) What was number one last week?

Baljeet: Give me a second, I, I need to get my story straight...

Carl: But.....but......when the (bleep) did surreal indie acts reach number one on the charts for weeks at a time? I review stupid crap. How can I make an episode if THIS is what's popular? How am I going to pay my bills....?

Carl:....I suppose that I could do the crossover thing and someone else can do the heavy lifting for me....but who...?

Major Monogram: What? After all those times you hijacked Radio Dead Air to play those awful requests? (bleep) no.

Carl: ...Nope.....Vanessa...stopped answering my calls....

Buford: Oh! So NOW you want to do a crossover, huh? Are you sure you don't wanna laugh for twenty minutes about how I suck!? Go bite me!

Carl: Ferb's still made at me for camping out on his lawn....

Heinz: Yeah, yeah, that sounds great.....I don't know who you are. Goodbye.

Carl: Well, I guess I can't do that either. (bleep) (phone rings and Carl reluctantly answered the phone) .....Hi, Stacy.

Stacy: Hi, Carl. So I heard that you wanted to do another crossover because you didn't feel like doing all the work which I will be happy to do and I was thinking of reviewing "From Coltrane to Vanessa" and I saw it a bunch of times before and I think we should review it together because the last crossover we did went so well and I didn't need to tie you up, and um, yeah, you wanna do another crossover with me?

Carl: .....

Stacy:....So, what do you think?

Carl:.....

Stacy: Okay, seriously, Carl, I'm looking at your check records right now and I know how poor you are and how badly you need money. So you can either review with me or keep dumpster dining at the local Slushy Burger. What's it gonna be?

Carl:.......

Stacy: I already bought a car for you!

Carl: (facepalm)

(screen shows Stacy hugging Carl. Carl looks unimpressed)

Stacy: I knew you'd come review with me!

Carl:...Yeah, let's get this over with.

Carl: Ahem, "From Coltrane to Vanessa". Let's start with what it's about......(looks at Stacy) Tell them what it's about.

Stacy: ...Well, there's a girl named Vanessa.....and a guy named Coltrane.....and the movie goes from one of them to the other.....there was a dance number in it....and sand was involved...

Carl:....was that it?

Stacy: Then you summarize the (bleep) thing.

Carl:....Okay, there definitely was a Vanessa and a Coltrane, and there was sand, so this must have been on a beach or desert or something, and they look for buried treasure?

Stacy: (shakes her head no)

Carl: Or was that something else?

Stacy: The point we're trying to make here is that this movie is not terribly memorable.

Carl: Okay, so what actually happens in the movie is that Vanessa's friends are dragging her to Florida for Spring Break, where they run into Coltrane and his friends, who run a party service despite the fact that have no business plan or resources and are rarely seen doing work. But who cares? WOO! SPRING BREAK!

Crazy Old Coot: No smoking, no drinking, no loud music, and most of all, no girls!

Carl:...Dude, spring break. What do you run around here, a youth group program?

Stacy: Now, now, maybe it's a (bleep) hostile.

Carl: The beach scenes from this movie look like they came from a DVD called "Girls Gone Mild". Someone takes a drink, like, once.

Stacy: It's MTV's summer beach house filtered through the lens of a middle school assistant principal. It's so innocent they can't even film Vanessa in a bikini. (screen shows Vanessa wearing a non-skimpy bathing suit) Except in one scene. This is as beachy as she gets.

TBC