Albert's Payphone

Carl reviews the song "Payphone". He thinks it's stupid and lazy.

Memorable Quotes
Carl: Hello everyone, and welcome back to our coverage of the rise and fall of everyone's favorite nunchucks owner and part-time recording artist Albert Stommeling.

Albert: I got the moves like Jagger, I got the moves like Jagger...

Carl: Sure you do, Albert.

Carl: You remember the episode where I talked about Albert and his band, Nunchucks 5, and their many, many failings as a band, but in this episode, in the interest of fairness, I feel I should talk about their positive points, too.

Albert: (sings "Makes Me Wonder" by Maroon 5)

Carl: Well, for one, Albert has abs. (screen shows Albert without a shirt on) Those are some nice abs.

Carl: I bring this up because they at least had enough strengths to make "Moves Like Jagger" a blatant sell-out track, a cash-in written by studio hacks that were hired to boost the flagging sales of their third album. Every interview Albert has given about this song sounds like a man who feels zero-connection to it and blissfully aware that he sold his band's soul for cash.

Albert: To be honest, I was having a lot of trouble with the band producing hits, and I wanted to venture out a little and see what it was like to write songs with other people.

Annotation: Answer: profitable

Carl: Every song on their new album has the fingerprints of a professional song writer and along the way, they lost their keyboardist Orville Roddenstein, the only person in the band beside Albert that mattered in the slightest.

Carl: So, let's make a fair and honest evaluation of "Payphone".

(screen shows Albert at a payphone in the middle of a desert)

Stacy's voice: Hello?

Albert: (singing in a very loud voice) I'm at a payphone, trying to go home....

(screen breaks)

Carl: Sorry, it's just that this man's voice is like Doofenshmirtz choking on a harmonica.

Carl: Usually Nunchucks 5 writes this miserable, angry songs about botched relationships. But this time, they've written a song that takes us to the end of the affair, a full-on breakup ballad. Let's see how that evoke that sadness and regret.

Albert: (begins singing the first verse. Meanwhile, the music video shows a bunch of Norm-Bots breaking into a bank and begin shooting lasers and the bankers begin freaking out)

Carl: Um, excuse me, I was trying to listen to the song.

Carl: Okay, it's one of these videos. Well, if it's going to drown out the song, I better address it before it gets distracting. (screen shows Albert and Stacy working at a bank) Well, he's a banker, and I guess there's a robbery. (screen shows the Norm-Bots attacking. Later, it shows Albert taking a gun out of nowhere, rescuing Stacy, and leaving the bank) He makes a break for it with the girl, cool. (screen shows Albert and Stacy running out of the bank while the cops shoot at them) Wait a minute, why are the cops shooting at him? He's clearly not one of the robbers. For Pete's sake, just lie down and get arrested, you can sue later. (screen shows Albert ditching Stacy and stealing some person's car) What are you doing? Are you stealing a car? Are you an idiot? What the....(screen shows Albert driving in the desert while police cars chase after him) What are you even trying to escape to!? (screen shows a police car flipping over and catching on fire) Great, now you killed a bunch of innocent cops. God knows why they were chasing you in the first place. I'm beginning to think you WERE one of the bank robbers. Either way, you deserve to go to jail. Was being a good looking rock star not enough of a fantasy? You had to go film the self-insert hero/outlaw fic you wrote when you were ten? Yeah, no. If I wanted a song about phones and nonsensical videos with crime sprees, I'll stick with Suzy, thank you very much (screen shows Suzy singing "Telephone")

Carl: Okay, Albert, you're sad, you're lonely. Sell it.

Albert: I'm at a payphone, trying to call home, all of my change I spent on you, where have the times gone, baby it's all wrong, where are the plans we made for two...

Carl: (looks unimpressed)

Albert: If happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this.....now I'm at a payphone....

Carl: Interesting. After hearing that wrenched heartbreak, I think we're all feeling the same way inside.......what the (bleep) is a payphone? Is that like a pre-paid cell phone? What is it? (screen shows Carl at a payphone) Whoa, what the (bleep) is this? It's like a regular phone, but it's stuck on this one spot. (presses random buttons) It doesn't seem to work, I have to put money in it. It's like a vending machine, but with a phone, I guess. I can't take pictures with it or access the internet or anything.....weird.....

Carl: You're making a song about payphones in 2012. Seriously? What's the next single called? Cotton Gin?

Carl: The whole point of the payphone was for Albert to find a metaphor to represent all that he's lost, all the time he wasted trying to find a last-ditch attempt to repair something that couldn't be fixed, and the best he could come up with is fifty cents for the first minute, and twenty-five cents for each additional minute......I don't think she'll find that particular sacrifice that moving.

Carl: I can't be the only one who noticed that the music for this sounds like a Jeremy Johnson song.

Stacy's voice: Hello?

Albert: (sings "Payphone" while the instrumental for "Do Nothing Day" plays in the background)

Carl: It's the same beat and everything. The only thing missing is Jeremy's girlfriend.

Carl: It's probably a good thing that they decided to drown out the lyrics with gunshots if the best they can do is get upset over fairy tales and love songs.

Albert: If happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of (bleep)...

Carl: (sarcastically) Breaking news! Albert Stommeling has realized that fairy tales are different from reality.

Annotation: FAIRY TALES: NOT REAL

Carl: This new study can be found at isabellalovesphineas.com

Carl: Nunchucks 5 were always at their best when they were cocky and annoying. Whiny high-school emoness about how fairy tales are (begins fake-crying) lies, guys, they're all lies (in his regular voice) doesn't fit well on them. What a waste. They could have built up this payphone metaphor into something with serious, emotional power. All it leads to is that Albert might not have enough quarters to go to the laundromat.

Albert: When we called it love, but the sun sets in paradise.

Carl: Well, duh, of course the sun sets in paradise. That's why it has such beautiful sunsets. It's famous for them. BAD METAPHOR!

Annotation: BAD METAPHOR

Albert: You turned your back on tomorrow, but you forgot yesterday, I gave you my love to borrow, but you just gave it away...

Carl: (growls angrily) Okay, now that's just a personal pet peeve. Here's a hint for all of you up-and-coming songwriters: Never ever EVER rhyme "tomorrow" with "borrow". It NEVER works. Outside of stupid love songs, have you ever heard anyone say, "I'm going to give you my love to borrow". No, of course not. It's not a DVD I expect you to return later. It always sounds forced.

Annotation: See also: "reason" and "season"

Carl: Only the talentless rhyme "tomorrow" and "borrow". Don't ever do it.

Carl: This is not working. Fortunately, because Albert is too lazy to write songs on his own anymore, we can hand this off to someone else. (screen shows Coltrane) This is Coltrane. Viewers have remembered him from the episode where I reviewed his less-than-impressive song "Black and Yellow".

Carl: I'm interested to see what he does in a song like this. The mood of this is a difficult one to nail. It's not supposed to be torturously heartbroken, just frustrated, regretful, comtemplative, unsatisfied. How best to express those tangled emotions?

Coltrane: Man, (bleep) that (bleep)...

Carl:..........I've heard worse?

Coltrane: Man, (bleep) that (bleep), I'll be out spending all this money while you sit around thinking why it wasn't you that came up from nothing, made it from the bottom, do you see I'm stuntin'?

Carl: Are you kidding me? Am I listening to yet another rapper who can't stop talking about how great his life is? It's just one breakup song. It's not a difficult concept. Just say, "I'm sad", "I miss you" "Can we go back to the good times". Just ONE line where you don't rap about you, your great life, or your (bleep) car?

Coltrane: And all of my cars start with the push of a button...

Carl: Gee, I hope you weren't attached to that car, because Albert is doing some really bad stuff to it right now. (screen shows Albert blowing up a car) I already told you, push-start cars are easy to steal. Did you listen? No!

Carl: Even if this wasn't attached to a completely unrelated song I still hate this verse. This song is a little whiny, but at least Albert's not being a completely vindictive (bleep) like Coltrane has decided to do. That's only if you can give him enough credit that this was even directed at an ex-girlfriend at all. This stupid generic "anti-hater" verse could be written to any of Stacy's other suitors that he's having a fight with, and it wouldn't change anything at all. This sucks.

Carl: So, what have we learned today? Well, we've learned that if you want to sell out, try making hot dance jams and not love ballads, because that was way worse than "Moves Like Jagger".

Carl: Albert, if you're out there, I have something to say to you. I know you're worried about running out of ideas and you can't do this on your own anymore, but you don't have to give up your integrity like this. What about your legacy? Don't you want to leave behind good music?

Coltrane: Man, (bleep) that (bleep)...

Carl: Fair enough.

(episode ends)

Trivia

 * The creator doesn't like this song that much, and feels like Maroon 5's older songs were much better.