The Worst Songs of 2004

This is an episode of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews the worst songs of 2004.

Memorable Quotes
Carl: Put on your poodle skirts and bell-bottoms, 'cause we're going back in time to the year of....(screen shows a list of popular songs in 2004).....Huh...........Okay.

Carl: 2004 holds a special place in my heart. It was the year I heard some awful Love Handel song that inspired me to create a blog about me complaining about music, which I later converted to a show. Yes, this was the year Carl the Intern became a legend.

Candace: (while eating a bowl of tuna) Am I eating chicken? I know this is tuna, but the can says "Chicken.....of the Sea"....

Jeremy; ............

Carl: There. After thirteen years and a million paparazzi photos, this is Candace Flynn's only contribution to pop culture. Being outsmarted by a food can label.

Carl: In 2003, Candace launched her career as a reality star, a career that she still continues to this day (screen shows a tabloid picture of Candace). Before that, she used to be a singer, with some success. Not success that anyone knows about, but success.

Carl: Yes, the newly devirginalized Candace went out that year to put out a new, attractive image, but as 2004 approached and R&B took over, pop music didn't know what to do with its pop princesses.

Candace: I can let my hair down, I can do anything crazy....

Carl: I assume this one only charted because of the buzz of her TV show, because this is easily the worst Candace Flynn song I've ever heard. And believe me, I've listened to A LOT of Candace Flynn. (hangs head in shame)

Carl: Oddly enough, Candace never particularly seemed comfortable as a singer. At least on this she doesn't. Listen to this song. It's herky-jerky, it has this weird rhyme scheme, it sounds like an inept mashup. Candace is a belter. She knows how to do this.

(screen shows Candace singing a high note)

Carl: Not so much this.

(screen shows Candace making these weird breathy-cooing sounds)

Carl: I'm annoyed because this synthetic piece of garbage is Candace presenting "the real her". And your cutting through the layers of show biz to see what that is.

Candace: The real me is a Danville girl, with her white skirt on and an open heart...

Carl: Right. No. This is so calculated it could have been written on a TI-84. Chances are even Jeremy didn't even know the real Candace. I sure don't believe this piece of (bleep).

(screen shows Candace doing things in the music video that portray "the real her")

Carl: (sarcastically) Look at how chill she is. She's not a living publicity machine at all. She's just Candace from the block. Whatever.

Carl: Surely we had someone to be the leader in rock-and-roll back then.

(a picture of Pennyfront pops up while evil music plays in the background)

Carl:......Oh......No wonder this genre was dying.

Johnny: How the (bleep) did we wind up like this, why weren't we able...

Carl: That's a good question, Johnny. How did we end up like this every single year of the Doofenshmirtz administration with another Pennyfront song stinking up the radio? Pennyfront was always bad since the very beginning. But it was around this time where they sealed their reputation as not only a bad band, but the worst band of all time.

Carl: Their only hit in 2004 was a song called "Someday", which was basically a recycling of their first hit. So much, though, that an epic remix was made to illustrate that point.

(a remix with "Someday" and "How You Remind Me" plays)

Carl: People use the term "butt rock" to refer to many things, but that term describes Johnny perfectly. Johnny literally sounds like he's singing directly from his colon. That is the key component to Pennyfront's rock bottom reputation. Every single song he just wails like that. How do you think he answers the phone. (mimics Johnny) HELLO!?

Carl: Also, this is a minor nitpick, but the lyrics suck, too.

Johnny: Someday, somehow, gonna make it alright but not right now...

Carl: (sarcastically) He's gonna make it alright, but not right now. The game's on. Can't it wait? Geez.

Carl: If this was any other band, this would be the worst thing they would have ever done. Just another day for Pennyfront.

Carl: This is not about Jenny.

(screen shows Jenny singing "Baby Boy" by Beyonce)

Carl: I already said I'm not a Jenny fan, but she does have a couple of songs that I like, this one not included, but this isn't about her.

(screen shows Ferb rapping in a incomprehensible Jamaican accent) '

Carl: This isn't about Ferb either, although it's easy to get sick of Ferb that year. No, this is about a chubby white boy named Buford von Stomm. He used to be a drummer for the Baljeatles, then he got a record deal under his mentor Phineas, then he began creating his own beats, and was actually successful for a few years. I bring him up because he absolutely sucks.

Carl: I blame every (bleep) dance song from '03-'06 on him. I couldn't stand a single song he touched because all his (bleep) sounded exactly the same. Some vaguely-foreign Indian sounding music with hip-hop beats thrown on it. Anyone could have done it. But Buford went out of his way to suck the life out of every song he made. When we had people like Phineas making decent music, I don't know why we tolerated this talentless hack's hits.

Carl: One would expect someone like Jenny to liven things up. But, you see, Jenny is good at explaining how awesome she is or dissing some guy. I wish she would have brought more of that energy to this. On love songs, more than a few times, she just isn't feeling it, which is why she seems non-existant on this song.

Carl: Buford finally flamed out, Lindana style, in a cloud of drugs, lawsuits, and weird outfits. (screen shows Buford wearing a woman's bathrobe) I choose to believe it was karma. No one knows what happened to....Jenae.....did anyone ever hear from her again? Probably not.

Carl: (begins playing an E chord on a piano)

Jeremy: I'm not a perfect person...

Carl: (sarcastically) Oh, I don't remember this song. I wish. This is one of those songs that I'll always remember because this year, and the years following, this became one of the most overplayed songs of all time.

Carl: This song is a worst of both worlds situation. The beat is as dreary as a Pennyfront songs and the cliche and sappy lyrics sound like something from an Albert song. Listen as master poet Jeremy Johnson expresses his excellent way of saying "he's not a perfect person".

Jeremy: I'm not a perfect person....

Carl: And listen as he weaves romantic adjectives to express that he's sorry that he hurt you.

Jeremy: I'm sorry that I hurt you...

Carl: And finally, how he finds a different spin on the terrible, insincere cliche, "I never meant to do those things to you".

Jeremy: I never meant to do those things to you...

Carl: Genius. Yeah, this guy isn't better at apologizing that Pennyfront. At least he's a better singer than Johnny....most of the time.

Jeremy: (at a live show, singing badly) I'm not a perfect person...

Carl: It's just not a very convincing song. "I never meant to do those things to you". Those things. We never know what "those things" are. I don't know, maybe he sold her platypus and hooked up with her friends.

Jeremy: I found a reason for me to change who I used to be...

Carl: You can't change who you "used to be", (bleep)

Carl: Even though The Incidentals disappeared after their biggest hit, it still is as big as ever in its own gray awfulness. Why won't it just go away? This song incidentally sucks!

Carl: After Coltrane's album went platinum in '02, ripoffs started showing up immediately.

Django: (rapping) I like it when you move it right thurr, right thurr...

Carl: This guy's name is Django, or "DJ-ango", I don't know. He was like Coltrane. From Danville, not very known, but liked to rap. However, unlike Coltrane, NOBODY liked Django. Any music critic can defend anyone who's looked down upon, but NO ONE stood up for Django. And like the Incidentals, he was at his worst when he was trying to be romantic.

Carl: People like Django's entire mindset of romance came from watching adult videos.

Django: She lays down on the bed with a see-through (bleep)....

Carl: He doesn't have a good flow, either. In fact, his voice is the worst thing about him. He sounds shocked at everything he says.

Django: (rapping in an annoying voice) The next day I'm at the fellas at the case playin' ball, here she come with her friends, posted up on the wall...

Carl: Seriously, is Baljeet dubbing this guy? Does this guy have the hiccups?

Django: (rapping) She was at the bank with her momma...

Carl: Don't creep on girls at the bank or the grocery store or whatever, geez.

Carl: Let me sum up this entire song for you.

Heinz: (while texting) I sent my fraulein a smiley face! Girls love smiley faces!

Carl: You know what else is one call away? Irrevelance? (a picture of Django shows up with a caption that says "Who?")

TBC