How Phineas & Ferb: Star Wars should have ended/Transcript

Act 1
(Opens on a space sky. Onscreen text: A couple summers ago in a galaxy far far away...)

(The Star Wars theme plays as the show's logo and title zoom away from the camera. The movie's opening crawl begins.)

Jim Cummings: Episode IVa: "May The Ferb Be With You". On the Desert planet of Tatooine lived two happy young moisture farmers...

Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: Uh, uh, can -- can -- excuse me, can you do it faster?

Jim Cummings: What? What? (The crawl stops.) Faster?

Dan Povenmire: Yeah, and funnier, if possible.

Jim Cummings: Oh, faster? Okay. (The crawl reverses.) Um...all right, uh... (inhales)

(The crawl starts playing again.)

Jim Cummings: (faster, talking like the Tasmanian Devil) Episode IVa: "May The Ferb Be With You". On the Desert planet of Tatooine...

Dan and Swampy:  Uhm uh, yeah, yeah, no, no.

(The crawl stops again.)

Jim Cummings: (normal voice) What? What?

Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: Forget the funnier.

Dan Povenmire: Yeah, just go faster.

(The crawl reverses again.)

Jim Cummings: All right...

(The crawl plays once more.)

Jim Cummings: Episode IVa: "May The Ferb Be With You". On the Desert planet of Tatooine lived two happy young moisture farmers, who had absolutely no plans of leaving or getting involved in any kind of intergalactic shenanigans. Unbeknownst to them the Galactic Empire had recently finished constructing its ultimate weapon, the DEATH STAR. Bum-bum-bum!

Jeff "Swampy" Marsh: (laughs) Sounds creepy like that.

Dan Povenmire: That's good, I like it.

Jim Cummings: Thanks. Yeah, it was capitalized. (reading) Meanwhile, having learned the whereabouts of the Death Star's plans, the rebels send their best platypus agent to obtain them, in hopes of finding a weakness. And none of this is canon, so just relax.

(The crawl rolls up like a projector screen.)

(We see a ship fly in just like in the film. Pan up to reveal it has an office building attached to it.)

Caption: Empire Administration Offices.

Office Stormtrooper 1: TK-five-eight-two, I'm gonna need you to run these numbers again.

Office Stormtrooper 2: I took a third out of the budget already.

Office Stormtrooper 1: Orders from the top, there's nothing I can do.

(Perry the Rebelpus appears. He sneaks around the Imperial cubicles. He disables a shield. He pushes a button, and a disc labeled "Death Star Plans" appears. He takes it. An alarm is heard blaring. Perry hides the disc and escapes from the Stormtroopers.)

Stormtrooper 1: Stop right there!

(The Stormtroopers happen upon one of the office Stormtroopers looking at a scantily-clad Twi'lek on his computer.)

Office Stormtrooper 2: Oh, uh, uh, it's work-related.

Stormtrooper 2: There he is!

(A Stormtrooper fires his blaster and hits a flowerpot. Perry makes his way into the vents and into his platypus-shaped escape pod.)

Imperial Officer 1: Captain, the Rebel is escaping!

Imperial Captain: Go after him!

Office Stormtrooper 3: Whoa, what the heck?

Stormtrooper 3: I'm slipping! I'm slipping!

Office Stormtrooper 4: No no no no! Save save save!

(Cut to Perry's ship. He smiles as he pulls the lever engaging lightspeed. Cut to another ship. Perry's ship goes onto it. Cut to Princess Leia who appears behind a door and walks to the ship.)

Leia: We've received your transmissions. So you have the Death Star plans? (Perry gives it to her.) Agent P, you never cease to ama—

(The ship shakes.)

Captain Antilles: Your Highness, an Imperial Star Destroyer has tracked our position.

(The Imperial Star Destroyer fires at the ship.)

(Pan down to the planet of Tatooine. We see a herd of banthas walking across. A speeder goes by. Cut to the speeder revealing Phineas and Ferb.)

(Song: Tatooine)

Phineas: You can look, but you're never gonna find a better place to be

Than this little slice of heaven tucked between the Jundland Wastes and the big Dune Sea

We can surf through the canyons or train a pack of dewbacks

Build a giant hamster habitat for womp rats,

Or fire up our solar-powered sandcastle-making machine.

Backup: We're on Tatooine.

Phineas: Yeah, we're livin' like kings out here

We got a two-sun summer the whole darn year

Cruisin' Beggar's Canyon in our T-16,

Or just sittin' on a rock eatin' blue ice cream.

Backup: Blue ice cream.

Phineas: 'Cause we're on Tatooine.

Ferb: Awwww...

We got two big suns, count 'em, one and two

Phineas: And there's two Flynn-Fletcher bois!

Ferb: Me and you!

Well, we're brothers! We're step! No, we don't share a gene,

But we'll always be together here on Tatooine!

Phineas: Jammin' with the Modal Nodes, racing turbo dust bikes

Tradin' with the Jawas

Trickin' out a droid or soupin' up the barge

For a trip 'round Anchorhead Tower

We can stop along the way and startle Tusken Raiders

And still be home in time to fix the vaporators

I think you know exactly what we mean.

Backup: Cuz we love Tatooine.

Phineas: Yeah, we're livin' like kings out here

We got a two-sun summer the whole darn year

Cruisin' Beggar's Canyon in our T-16,

Or just sittin' on a rock eatin' blue ice cream.

I may be wearin' my heart on my sleeve

But I can't understand why anyone would want to leave

We know our city pride may sound a tad extreme

But we're so happy here, we tend to overstate this theme

Phineas and backup: Overstate this theme!

Phineas: Cuz we love Tatooine!

Backup: Oh, we love it! Oh, we love it here on Tatooine!

Phineas: We love Tatooine!

(Cut to Luke Skywalker working on something. We hear a car horn playing the Theme Song.)

Phineas: Hey, Luke!

Luke: Phineas! Ferb! What's up, guys?

Phineas: Ferb? (Ferb pushes a button) Check this out!

(The speeder's exhaust fumes rearrange themselves.)

Luke: Pod-racing engines? How'd you hook these up?

Phineas: We just picked up some power convertors at Tosche Station.

Luke: Nice!

Phineas: You need help with your moisture vaporator? We can trick it out like ours.

Luke: I wish, but Uncle Owen wants to do things the old-fashioned way. Even the droids he buys are used.

Phineas: Hey, Treadwell!

Treadwell: [beeps]

Phineas: Well, we'll catch you later, Luke! We're gonna mosey on home for lunch.

(They speed away.)

Luke: Wow, when they mosey, they mosey! What in... (Looks up and takes out binoculars.) Is that a Star Destroyer?

(Cut to the Star Destroyer beaming up the ship. Cut to inside the ship. A few Stormtroopers walk in. They are followed by three stormtroopers whose shapes look familiar.)

Candace: Finally some real Rebel-busting! (takes off helmet) This is why I joined the Empire in the first place.

Baljeet: I am so excited, I can hardly contain myself!

Buford: I toldja ta go before the raid!

Baljeet: That is not what I meant! But now that you mention it...

Candace: Alright, lock it up! We've got Rebels to bust!

(They are about to run when they are stopped by Candace's commanding officer.)

C.O.: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where do you think you're going?

Candace: Uh, space battle over that way?

C.O.: Certainly not. You know your mission: to find socks for Lord Vader.

Candace: Yes, sir.

(The C.O. walks away.)

Candace: SOCKS?!?!?! This is a total waste of my potential! (frustrated grunt)

Buford: Not me. This is about where I peak.

(Cut to Princess Leia putting the disc into R2-D2.)

Leia: Agent P, I need you to make sure this R2 unit goes to Obi-Wan Kenobi on Tatooine. But first, I need to record a video message. Be a dear and stand over by the bulkhead. You're kinda in my shot. (Perry walks away.)

(Cut back to Candace and the rest.)

Buford: So what color socks do you think think he wants?

Baljeet: Uh, black?

Buford: I'm just sayin', ev'rything the guy owns is black! You think maybe... (Candace signals for them to stop) What? (Cut to Leia putting the disc in R2-D2) Oh, there's somebody doin' somethin' over there.

Candace: Oh, yeah! It's busting time! (runs off, singsongy) Oh, Commander!

Baljeet: Huh, we are never gonna get those socks, are we?

Buford: Hey, I found a pair of socks.

Baljeet: Where?

Buford: Right here! (punches Baljeet)

Baljeet: Ow!

Buford: Don't be a baby, you're wearin' armor!

Baljeet: But it is plastic.

(Cut to Candace.)

Candace: Commander, Commander, there's a Rebel in a dress recording something into a droid!

C.O.: Ooh! By chance, was this droid distributing socks of any kind?

Candace: Well...no.

C.O.: Then it's none of your concern. Is it? Back on sock detail!

Candace: (growls)

(Cut back to Buford and Baljeet)

Buford: Me? I'm an argyle man.

Baljeet: Huh, I would not think that from looking at you.

Candace: Hey! Where'd they go?!

Buford: Danish Head ran off, but the droids are over there. (His blaster accidentally goes off.) Whoopsie!

(Cut to C-3PO and R2-D2 getting on an escape pod.)

C-3PO: Oh, no!

R2-D2: [beeps]

C-3PO: I'm going to regret this.

(Cut to Perry witnessing the escape pod get away.)

Imperial Officer 2: There goes another one.

Imperial Officer 3: Hold your fire. There's no life forms. It must have short-circuited.

Imperial Officer 2: (yawns and stretches) Coffee?

Imperial Officer 3: Yeah! Let's get some of that Sith Roast.

(Song: Tuff Gum)

SITH ROAST!

(Cut back to Perry.)

Candace: (offscreen) They got away! (The Stormtroopers run in.) We've got to follow them! C'mon, we'll take the other escape pod!

Baljeet: Um, Candace?

Candace: What?

Baljeet: (to the tune of the Imperial March) Socks, socks, socks, socks so-socks, socks, so-socks!

Candace: Look, if we catch those two droids, we'll be promoted off of sock detail. Let's drift!

Baljeet: Technically, we will not be drifting. More like violent ejection, plummeting through the atmosphere and crashing onto the planet's surface.

(Agent P joins them in the escape pod.)

(Cut back to the Imperial Officers enjoying their coffee.)

Imperial Officer 3: Mmmm, that's good coffee. Did you know this was decaf?

Imperial Officer 2: Huh, I could not tell.

(Song: Tuff Gum)

''Sith Roast! ...Mmm, decaf!  R2-D2: [screams offscreen]''

(Cut to:)

Fully operational Death Star!

(A ship shaped like the Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated building flies in. Cut to on the ship where we see Darthenshmirtz and Norm-3PO observing the Death Star.)

Darthenshmirtz: How do you like that, Norm? My beautiful invention floating out here in space and do you think I get any credit for it?

Norm-3PO: Your invention, sir?

Darthenshmirtz: Well, yeah. I designed it to be a nutcracker. Here, l-l-look. Look at this. (He uses a model Death Star to crack a nut with a laser and eats it.) See? It works just fine. But the Empire took my idea and made it so big, it's completely impractical! A-A walnut would be totally obliterated!

Norm-3PO: The universe is cruel and unjust.

Darthenshmirtz: Well, when they see my new invention, they'll be singin' a diff'rent tune! All I need is to get my hands on a little bit of Force to get it up and running. But where am I gonna find some extra Force?

Norm-3PO: The Force surrounds us. It penetrates us. It binds the galaxy—

Darthenshmirtz: Yes, yes, I've seen the bumper sticker.

Act 2
(Open on 3PO and R2 on Tatooine.)

C-3PO: No more adventures. I'm not going that way.

(Pan left to an escape pod trapped in a sand dune. Candace kicks it open.)

Candace: Ugh! Tatooine. Okay, my busting instincts are telling me that the droids went (points ahead) that way. Now, come on!

(Buford and Baljeet jump out. Agent P comes out after them and walks in another direction. He follows R2-D2's tracks.)

(Wipe right to Candace and the rest.)

Baljeet; Actually, I joined the Empire by accident. I was trying to sign up for a physics camp.

Buford: Physics camp? Yeah, you're better off. Hey, Candace, why did you join the Empire?

Candace: Don't you remember anything from orientation? Rebels are cruel, heartless sub-humans who are messing up the galaxy! And I am all about law and order.

(Song: In the Empire)

Candace: Ever since I was young,

You know, I hated dissension.

Among my peer group,

It caused a whole lot of tension.

When the other kids were slouching,

I would stand at attention.

And I've always looked so good in white.

Now I'm a bad mamma-jamma

And I rock a mean helmet.

If I see a rebellion

Then you know I'm gonna quell it.

I'm a certified, full-blown,

Armor-wearing zealot

And it feels so good to know I'm always right.

You can see exotic worlds across the galaxy,

In the Empire...

Buford and Baljeet: In the Empire...

Candace: You can be all that they want you to be,

You get a 401(k) and your meals are free

In the Empire.

Buford and Baljeet: In the Empire...

Candace: In the Empire.

Buford and Baljeet: In the Empire...

Candace: I don't know but I've been told,

The Rebels need to be controlled

We'll round them up and put 'em all in stocks,

But first we've gotta get Darth Vader socks!

It's so not fair!

I mean, why am I still on sock detail when Gladys from Accounting got promoted to Commander, and she doesn't even know how to hold a blaster? No, I mean, really, she failed that part of the exam four times. She held it backwards and upside-down. But no, she's a second cousin of some midlevel Darth, and so she gets a promotion? What about me?'' '' If they would just open their eyes, they'd see that I've got everything it takes, I could be the stormiest Stormtrooper evaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

Buford: Ya feelin' better?

Candace: Yeah. Thanks.

You can see exotic worlds across the galaxy,

In the Empire...

Buford and Baljeet: In the Empire...

Candace: You can be all that they want you to be,

You can march to the beat of conformity

In the Empire.

Buford and Baljeet: In the Empire...

Candace: In the Empire.

Buford and Baljeet: In the Empire...

Candace: In the Empire.

Buford and Baljeet: In the Empire...

Candace: In the Empire.

(Cut to Stormtroopers showing the C.O. something.)

Stormtrooper 4: Look, sir, droids!

C.O.: No, this is a bathtub stopper. TK-90210, what are you doing out here?

Candace: Well, we followed some droids that were ejected from the—

C.O.: Hup-bup-bup-bup-bup! The droids and the missing Death Star plans are none of your concern.

Candace: Death Star plans?

C.O.: Never you mind! You go to Mos Eisley! I'm sure you can find some socks for Lord Vader there.

Candace: (disappointedly) Yes, sir.

(Another Stormtrooper brings a stick.)

Stormtrooper 5: Look sir, a magic flute!

C.O.: (puts his head in hand) No, that's a stick!

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb's speeder pulling up to their home.)

Phineas: Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad!

Lawrence: Hello, boys! You're just in time for lunch.

Linda: So, what's on the list? Another day filled with big plans? (read the list) "Herd all the nerfs into Beggar's Canyon, teach the sarlaac to brush his teeth, and giving a bantha a shower." That's awfully ambitious!

Phineas: Just tryin' to make the most of each and every summer day! Hey, we stopped by and saw Luke.

Lawrence: Ooh, let me guess, was he staring wistfully at the horizon?

Linda: Lawrence?

Lawrence: What? Everyone knows that boy would rather be somewhere else. What about you two? The crops are so far ahead, would you like to spend the rest of the summer at swim camp on Naboo?

Phineas: Sounds fun, but we'll pass.

Linda: Well, how about ski camp on Hoth? Don't you boys ever want to see the rest of the galaxy?

Phineas: Not really. We've got everything we want right here on Tatooine. Sand, womp rats, brothers, and banthas. Why would anyone want to leave?

(They leave.)

Lawrence: Wait'll they see there's no girls on this planet!

Linda: Lawrence!

(Cut to night. A huge sandcrawler is seen. Some Jawas are heard speaking. Agent P spies on them. He sees R2 get beamed into the sandcrawler. Agent P goes after it. He looks at a bumper sticker that says, "My jawa is an honor student at Tatooine High.")

(Cut to the next day.)

Uncle Owen: (offscreen) Take these two over to the garage, will ya? I want 'em cleaned up before dinner.

Luke: But I was going in to Tosche Station to pick up some power convertors.

Uncle Owen: You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done. Now, come on, get to it.

(Perry jumps off the disposal.)

Luke: Well, come on, Red, let's go!

(Cut to Luke with 3PO and R5-D4. Pan left to reveal Owen giving money to a Jawa. R5-D4 malfunctions.)

Luke: Uncle Owen?

Uncle Owen: Yeah?

Luke: This R2 unit has a bad motivator, look!

Uncle Owen: Hey, whatta ya tryin' to push on us?!

(Perry walks ahead.)

Luke: (offscreen) What about that one?

Uncle Owen: (offscreen) What about that blue one? We'll take that one.

R2-D2: [beeps]

Luke: Okay, let's go.

C-3PO: Now don't you forget this. Why I should stick my neck out for you is quite beyond my capacity.

(Cut back to Perry behind the wheels.)

(Cut to Doof's ship going into the Death Star.)

Darthenshmirtz: Norm, bring all my gear down to my lair.

Norm-3PO: You mean the abandoned recycling compartment?

Darthenshmirtz: It's a lair!

(Cut to Doof on a moving sidewalk.)

Darthenshmirtz: Ooh, whadaya know? A moving sidewalk. (Darth Vader walks by.) Oh, ooh, Darth Vader! Hey, I know that guy! It's Darth Vader. Hey! (runs up to him) Hey, w-wait up, wait up! (knocks over a droid) Phew! Darth Vader! Hey look! Eh, I'm Darthenshmirtz! (trips) I'm not sure if you remember me, the Doof Star, the little nutcracker thing. And then you sorta stole my plans. (trips again) Anyway, I gotta new invention, and it's gonna knock your socks off! (trips again) I'm wondering if you could, uh, spare a little Force. I thought maybe you had a little extra lying around— (Bumps into a couple of Stormtroopers) Okay, uh, good talk.

(Cut back to Tatooine. Agent P looks at the home of Luke.)

C-3PO: (offscreen) Please, Master Luke took off your restraining bolt, now quit complaining. (Cut to inside.) Now I'm taking another oil bath. And I don't want to be disturbed. (goes down an elevator platform) Ahhh.

(A rock hits R2. Agent P motions for him to follow.)

(Cut to Luke looking at the two suns. Pan down to his legs to reveal Perry taking R2 with him.)

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb on their speeder.)

Phineas: Wow, that bantha took a while longer to clean than I thought it would. Well, we better get home.

(Cut to R2 and Agent P. Agent P notices a rock falling under him. He sees Phineas' speeder.)

Phineas: Whoa!

(The speeder crashes into R2, and the disc suddenly pops out. The speeder throws Perry into the ground. Phineas stops the speeder and he and Ferb look at R2.)

R2-D2: [beeps]

Phineas: Whoa, little fella. Sorry about that. Say, what's a droid like you doing out here in the Jundland Wastes?

R2-D2: [beeps]

Phineas: Oh, cool! A movie.

Leia hologram: Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Phineas: Oh, she must mean Ben Kenobi. Hey, we were just there! We have Jedi lessons with him every Tuesday. He lives right up at the edge of the Dune Sea. Do you want a ride?

R2-D2: [beeps no]

Phineas: Okay, suit yourself. (R2 leaves) And remember, sand people hide single file to hide their numbers. (to Ferb) Oh, he probably already knows.

(They head back into the speeder.)

(Cut to Agent P climbing up a cliff. He tries to get to the speeder but it takes off and he falls down again and crashes into a birthday cake. He sees a bunch of Tusken Raiders having a birthday party.)

Tusken Raider: [growls]

(Cut to the speeder. Zoom in on the backseat to reveal the disc is still in the speeder.)

Act 3
(Open on the next day. Perry is seen baking something. We hear "Happy Birthday to You" playing in the background. He bakes a replacement cake for the Tusken Raiders.)

Tusken Raiders: [cheer]

(Agent P's holographic communicator goes off. Major Hologram appears on screen.)

Major Hologram: Ah, Agent P, our sources tell us that the R2 unit is safely in the possession of Obi-Wan Kenobi. You always come through for us. (Perry smiles nervously knowing that this isn't the case.) Great work! Now to take a well-deserved rest. (Hologram disappears. Agent P smiles and takes out a hanky to dry his sweat when his communicator activates again.) Agent P, I've got your next mission. You need to get to the Death Star immediately. Darthenshmirtz is working on a new inator. We need you to stop him before he can finish building it. Good luck.

(Hologram disappears again. Perry looks discouraged.)

(Wipe left to the home of Phineas and Ferb.)

Phineas: Okay, Mom! See ya later!

Linda: (offscreen) Don't forget your two-sun sunscreen.

Phineas: Way ahead of ya, Mom! Hey, what's this? "Death Star plans"? Wait, I bet it belongs to that R2 unit that we sent to Ben Kenobi's house. I wonder if he's still there.

Ferb: No. He is on his way to Mos Eisley.

Phineas: Oh, wow! Can you sense that with the Force?

(Cut to reveal Ferb looking through binoculars.)

Ferb: No, I can see them. They're right over there.

(Phineas takes the binoculars and looks through them. POV shot of Luke, Obi-Wan and the droids on a speeder.)

Phineas: (offscreen) You're right, Ferb. And Luke's with them! Inside a—

Tusken Raider: (growls)

Phineas: Whoa! (cut to reveal it's only Ferb playing with a puppet) Oh, you got me!

Ferb: (speaks Tusken and plays with the puppet)

(Cut to Mos Isley. A sign reads, "Mos Eisley Spaceport." A banner under it reads, "Now 14% more scum & villainy." Pull out to reveal the speeder with Luke and the others on it. Phineas' speeder follows them. Tracking shot of the village. The brothers pass by a few creatures and villagers. A post with a wanted poster with Han Solo and Chewbacca's images is seen. Boba Fett takes a number of the flyer.)

Blatto: Phineas and Ferb! My best customers!

Phineas: Hey, Blatto, we're trying to find an R2 unit and give him back this data disc. (Blatto takes the disc.) Hey!

Blatto: Let's take a look at it. (He puts it into an R2 unit's head and it shows a hologram of the Death Star.)

Phineas: Wow! It's an Imperial battle station the size of a moon! And according to these schematics, it seems to be designed specifically to destroy entire planets! Whoa, I-I never imagined the Empire would go that far! (Ferb points) Huh, you're right, Ferb. One proton torpedo in that small exhaust port and the whole thing goes blammo!

Blatto: Uh, it's like it's got a self-destruct button. What kind of idiot would design that?

(Cutaway to Darthenshmirtz at a water fountain to answer his question.)

Darthenshmirtz: Oh, why can't I master this?

(end cutaway)

Phineas: Wait, if the Rebels have this information, they might stand a chance against this thing. A small one-man fighter could penetrate the outer defense, fly along that trench, and get to the exhaust port.

Blatto: Hey, spoiler alert!!

Phineas: That droid must be part of the Rebel Alliance! We've gotta get this disc back to him!

(Cut to a shop called "Tall, Darth & Handsome." Candace walks out carrying a bag.)

Baljeet: Candace, did you get the socks?

Candace: Mission accomplished.

Buford: I gotta hoagie!

Baljeet: Are those the stolen Death Star plans we are not supposed to be looking for?

Candace: I don't believe it! Hey, you with the Death Star plans, you guys are so busted!

Phineas: Uh-oh! Let's get outta here!

(Phineas turns the unit off and flees with Ferb.)

Buford: And they're lost in the crowd.

Candace: Not on my watch! Let's go!

Phineas: Hey, look! There's the droid!

Candace: You two, stop right there! (Buford fires his blaster again) Buford!

Buford: Sorry, my bad!

(The laser hits a creature, which roars and runs off. Phineas and Ferb escape it and the creature goes after Candace and the others.)

Random Guy: (offscreen) My watermelon!

(Phineas and Ferb retreat into Docking Bay 94.)

Phineas: There's the droid! Let's get over there!

Stormtrooper 5: Stop that ship! Blast 'im!

(Han fights the Stormtroopers.)

Han: Chewie, get us outta here!

Chewbacca: [roars]

Phineas: Maybe we came at a bad time.

(The Millennium Falcon speeds off.)

Stormtrooper 6: Oh, crud, this is going to mean nothing but paperwork.

Phineas: If we don't get these plans to that R2 droid, entire planets could be destroyed. C'mon, we gotta find a pilot and follow that ship.

(Ferb points to the cantina. We hear the band playing.)

Cantina MC: (offscreen) Alright, Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes! (Cut to inside the cantina where the band is leaving) Not a bad set, guys. Only one death and one dismemberment. Not bad for a Wednesday.

Ponda Baba: (speaks Aqualish)

Cornelius Evazan: I don't like him either.

Cantina MC: (offscreen) Alright, let's give 'er a big cantina welcome, folks, Vanessa the Twi'lek.

Phineas: (to the bartender) Um, we're looking for a pilot.

Bartender: Over there.

(Cut to two nurses carrying a dead Greedo on a stretcher.)

Nurse: Someone said he shot first, but I coulda sworn it was the other guy.

Bartender: Nope. There.

(Cut to Phineas and Ferb. Pan left to reveal Isabella alone at a table with a juice box. Cut to the stage. The curtain opens and Vanessa appears singing.)

(Song: I'm Feelin' So Low)

Vanessa: I'd get out of here just as soon as I'm able

Wookiee: [growls happily]

Vanessa: But my hyperdrive's on the fritz

Just today, the mynocks chewed my power cables

And my life's one big sarlacc pit

And I'm feelin' so low

Isabella: Oh, great. What do you farm boys want?

Phineas: I'm Phineas and this is my brother, Ferb. We understand you're a pretty good pilot.

Isabella: For a price.

Phineas: Well, we have a very important disc we need to get to someone who just blasted out of Docking Bay 94.

Isabella: I know whose ship that is.

Phineas: Whose?

Isabella: Han Solo.

Vanessa: So low...

Isabella: Solo's been a thorn in my side for years. My ship, the Centennial Chihuahua, was on pace to finish the Kessel Run in eleven parsecs, and that nerf-herder cut me off!

Vanessa: I'm feelin' so low

Isabella: Everybody loves Solo! Twelve parsecs! If I ever hear his name again, I'll just—

Vanessa: So low, so low, so low, so low...

So low, so low...

Isabella: Would you two excuse me? (Isabella fires her blaster and we hear Vanessa groan.) Yeah, we should probably get going.

(Cut to the stage to reveal that Isabella actually shot Vanessa's microphone.)

Vanessa: Well!

(Cut to the village. Cut to a docking bay.)

Isabella: Here's my ship, the Centennial Chihuahua.

Phineas: Why'd you call it the Chihuahua?

Isabella: It's personal.

Phineas: Seems weird you'd call it something you didn't wanna be asked about.

Isabella: You're right. It was a call for attention.

Candace: There they are! (She blasts at them and hits a light.)

Phineas: Whoa! Well, looks like we got it!

Isabella: (pulls the two brothers onto the ship) Move it! We gotta get outta here!

(Candace blasts at the ship.)

Candace: Fire the cannon!

Baljeet: I think the barrel end slides in here.

Buford: But then the scope is on the bottom! That's not right!

(Cut to the ship. Isabella starts her up.)

Isabella: Hold on, this is gonna be rough!

(Phineas and Ferb buckle themselves. The Chihuahua starts up.)

Candace: Give me that! (She flips the cannon around and aims.) You're goin' down! (She fires but the cannon explodes.)

Phineas: Uh-oh!

Isabella: I see it!

(Part of a building topples over and the ship dodges it. Cut to Buford and Baljeet.)

Buford: (to Baljeet) And you thought we were gonna die in space.

Candace: Move move move!

(The part of the building destroys the docking bay. Baljeet and Buford jump into a watering hole. Candace grunts.)

(Cut to space. The Chihuahua is floating away.)

Phineas: Gosh, Ferb. Our planet looks so small from here.

Isabella: First time in space?

Phineas: Well, yeah, now that you mentioned it.

Isabella: (rubs off the "planet" to reveal it's just dirt) Yeah, your planet's over here.

Phineas: Oh, that makes much more sense. Mom and Dad always did want us to see the galaxy, but I don't think that this is what they had in mind.

Isabella: You might want to buckle up. I'm makin' the jump to hyperspace!

(The ship goes to lightspeed. Phineas and Ferb crash into the windshield.)

Phineas: A little more warning would be nice.

(Cut to Tatooine. Candace and the others approach the C.O.)

C.O.: Ahem. I grow tired of asking this but, please, tell me you have the socks.

Candace: Yes! Buford? (Buford gives it to her.) With my compliments, sir.

C.O.: Excellent, now report to the Death Star for re-assignment. I'll deliver these to Lord Vader myself.

Candace: Finally! Now we're gonna see some action!

C.O.: Whoa whoa whoa! You're not riding in here! Uh, this shuttle's full. You can ride back to the Death Star on that bus pod.

Buford: What a piece of junk!

(The bus pod's horn honks.)

(Cut to the Death Star. Cut to inside. Doof is at a computer.)

Darthenshmirtz: Wait, that's it! I solved my Force problem! I can extract it from Vader's garbage. It...It says right here, see? You can find anything on the Internet. Hey, check it out, Norm-3PO. According to this real estate website, my time share on Alderaan is worth, like, 10 times more than I paid for it six years ago! Oh, I knew the value would go up! It's just, it's such a peaceful place to.. (Alderaan gets destroyed by the Death Star in the background.) Wait, what? What's this? The value is totally dropping!! Zero?!?!

(Cut back to the Chihuahua. Isabella hears some tinkering behind her.)

Isabella: (angrily) Hey, whatcha doin'?!

Phineas: Isabella, did you know that you have T-27 thermal couplings up here?

Isabella: Get down from there!

Phineas: Ferb and I can reroute their current to double up your power supply.

Isabella: Just keep your paws off my ship! (beat, takes out a notepad) Reroute thermal couplings.

Phineas: I wonder what our family and friends are doing back on Tatooine. It feels a little strange to be so far from them. But at least we're making new friends. Like you, Isabella.

Isabella: This is not a friendship, it's a spaceship! So don't invade mine! (something beeps) We're coming out of hyperspace! Buckle up, ladies!

Phineas: Whadaya think, Ferb? A girl like her and a guy like me?

(beat)

Ferb: Sure. Why not?

(They go into lightspeed but stop when they see the Falcon.)

Isabella: As promised, the Millennium Falcon. I should be able to catch him before he gets to that small moon.

Phineas: That's no moon. It's the Death Star! Isabella, turn the ship around!

Isabella: What have you guys gotten me into?! We're caught in a tractor beam! My engines can't pull us free! (puts on goggles) Looks like we're gonna have to shoot our way out! I'm powering up the turrets!

Phineas: There are alternatives to fighting.

(Phineas and Ferb get out lightsabers shaped like a hammer and a wrench.)

Act 4
(Open on both the Falcon and the Chihuahua caught in the tractor beam of the Death Star.)

Isabella: I should've known getting this close to Solo was a bad idea! Hurry it up back there!

Phineas: We've modified the deflector shield with a cloaking mechanism. Give it a try.

Isabella: Well, this had better work or you two are floating home!

Phineas: I don't think we can float all the way home. I mean, we wouldn't survive 15 seconds in the cold vacuum of spa—

Isabella: It's a figure of speech!

(She activates the deflector shield. The ship takes on the form of a TIE-fighter, an AT-AT walker, the inexplicable Giant Floating Baby Head, and finally a donut truck.)

Phineas: (offscreen) It worked! It even smells like donuts in here! Nice touch, Ferb.

Isabella: Okay, let's see if it fools them. (speaks in a "New Jersey" accent) Uh, Dockin' Bay control, ya got us cott in a track-ta beam heeyuh! Ya guys want donuts or not?

Imperial Officer Jeff: Oh, shoot! Disengaging tractor beam. (he shuts it off) Deliveries are in Docking Bay 427. You're clear to land. (to Dan) So, donuts?

Imperial Officer Dan: Does Darth Vader wear a funny hat?

Imperial Officer Jeff: Dude!

Imperial Officer Dan: Oh, relax, he can't hear us all the way down— (Gets Force Choked)

Imperial Officer Jeff: Oh, no! I didn't!

Imperial Officer Dan: Ha ha! Gotcha!

Imperial Officer Jeff: (grunts)

(Cut to the bus.)

Candace: Can you believe this? Making us ride the bus pod? (Buford is looking in the bag when he realizes something.) They better give us a Rebel-fighting job this time and not just running some more errands.

Baljeet: Uh-oh!

Candace: I mean, how hard is it to deliver socks?

Baljeet: Uh, Candace? Candace: Yes?

Baljeet: I believe Buford requires your attention.

Candace: Oh, what is it, Buford? (Buford takes out some black socks from the bag to answer Candace's question.) Huh. Uh, Buford, I'm gonna ask you a question and I want you to think very hard before you answer.

Buford: Thinking is always hard.

Candace: I know. Here's the thing. If we have Darth Vader's socks, what exactly did we give the commander?

Buford: Uhhhhh....

(Cutaway to the Death Star. A hoagie drops on the ground. Vader Force chokes the C.O.)

Vader: I find your lack of socks disturbing.

(Cut to the disguised Chihuahua.)

Stormtrooper 6: Hello? Are you open yet?

Stormtrooper 7: Hope they have the old-fashioned. Those are my favorites.

Isabella: I can't believe that worked!

Phineas: I feel guilty, though. Maybe we should get them some donuts.

Isabella: WOULD YOU STAY FOCUSED?!

Phineas: Huh. Sorry.

Isabella: Okay, let's find Solo's ship and the droid, and then I'm outta here!

(They run up to the directory.)

Phineas: Well, they've landed in Docking Bay 327, and we're in Docking Bay 427. (looks at the map) That's not so bad. (Sees Ferb with his eyes closed and his hand out) What is it, Ferb? What's with the hand?

Ferb: I feel something. A presence I have not felt since...

(His eyes open, widen to reveal Perry next to him.)

Phineas: Perry! (Perry runs into his arms for a hug) Hey, old buddy!

Isabella: Who is this?

Phineas: This is Perry the Platypus. He used to be our pet until we found out he was secretly an agent for the Rebellion. We felt a little betrayed and hurt at first, but bygones be bygones. Now we're good, right? Perry: (Chatters and thumbs up)

Phineas: So you're probably on a mission right now, huh? (Perry thumbs up) Hey, so are we! (fist bumps Perry) Heh. Oh, uh, this is our pilot, Isabella.

Isabella: (points and clicks tongue in a bored manner)

Phineas: So, uh, good luck. (shakes Perry's hand)

(Perry shakes Ferb's hand and takes off.)

Phineas: He looks good.

Isabella: Ugh! Let's get this over with!

(Cut to Darthenshmirtz's abandoned recycling compartment lair.)

Darthenshmirtz: There ought to be enough residual Force in Vader's garbage here to power it up for, y'know at least one shot.

Norm-3PO: One man's trash is another man's bad idea.

Darthenshmirtz: Just put the garbage in the chute, Mr. Wisendroider! (door beeps) Well, well, well, it's Perry the Rebelpus! (The door does not open all the way. Perry shrugs.) Oh, sorry about the door. I...I put in a work order, but the guy's not gonna get down here 'til, like, Thursday. So, y'know. Ah, ah, look, Norm, you see? You put a big red "X" on the floor, people will stand there! (A trap door opens under Perry and he drops down and gets frozen in carbonite.) Human nature! Or, in this case, platypus nature.

(Cut to another part of the Death Star. Isabella, Phineas and Ferb spy on a few marching Stormtroopers. Isabella walks out and motions for the two to follow.)

Phineas: What's wrong, Ferb? (Once again, Ferb has his eyes closed and hand out.) You got your hand up again.

Ferb: (Opens his eyes and puts his hand down) Perry is in trouble.

Phineas: Oh no! We must go help him.

Ferb: No. You must go get that disc to the Rebels. We cannot risk our mission.

Phineas: Split up? Really?

Isabella: Just do what you need to do fast and meet us at the Falcon!

Phineas: Let me do it, Ferb. I can do this!

Ferb: OK, but be careful Phineas. And May the Force be with you. Phineas: Thanks Ferb. (Hugs him and leaves) Ferb: Come on! We gotta find that droid! (Cut to Phineas on the lookout. Long shot to reveal Phineas on one floor and Obi-Wan on another walking in opposite directions. Obi-Wan stops for a second. Phineas mirrors his movements. They continue. Cut to Norm-3PO hammering a nail.)

Norm-3PO: (hanging up the trapped platypus) There. It's just like art!

Darthenshmirtz: Yeah, nothin' like a frozen platypus to tie a room together! Now, allow me to tell you why I created my latest inator.

(Song: Sith-Inator)

Darthenshmirtz: You see, the Force with me is weak

I've never been that hip or chic,

People treat me like a freak

Sometimes they even boo and hiss.

Let me tell you, even though

My midi-chlorians are low,

I'll be the Death Star's CEO

When they get a load of this...

It's a Sith-inator

It's a really cool machine.

My evil will be greater

Than Darth Vader's ever been.

You ask all those haters

From Naboo to Tatooine,

They'll say, "Wow! That Darthenshmirtz is mean!"

When this is operational,

I'll zap myself, then bam!

The Force will be so strong with me,

They'll all know who I am!

And all those bureaucrats

That used to point and jeer and joke

If I put my fingers just like this

They're gonna start to choke.

Moff Tarkin will respect me,

Give me medals and a raise.

With all my newfound Sith-iness,

I'll set the Force ablaze!

The Emperor who used to only

Greet me with a yawn,

He now will say, "I'm blown away!"

Much like Alderaan.

It's a Sith-inator

It's a really cool machine.

My evil will be greater

Than Darth Vader's ever been.

You ask all those haters

From Naboo to Tatooine,

They'll say, "Wow! That Darthenshmirtz is mean!"

It's my Sith-inator,

It's got evil moving parts,

I'm a Sith creator

And my evil's off the charts!

And my portrait will be placed

On all the grandest evil heeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaarrrrrths...

And I'll no longer be the lowest of the Darths!

I'll no longer be the lowest

The fastest, not the slowest,

The yes-est, not the no-est,

And you'll all be eating crow-est,

I'll no longer be the lowest of the Daaaaaaaaaaaarths!

Darth Vader can kiss my bantha!

Norm-3PO: (applauding) Very good, sir! That was better than rehearsal!

Darthenshmirtz: Alright, stay close to your comlinks, ladies, and, if all goes well, I'll have a victory number in the fourth act. (to Perry) So, like I said, I'm going to make myself super-evil with my Sith-inator here, but first, I'm gonna shoot you just to make sure it's safe and, uh, y'know, I don't...die or fry myself and have to wear one of those masks like Vader, cuz that would not be a good look for me.