How Invasion of the Ferb Snatchers should have ended/Transcript

(Episode opens on a night sky. An asteroid flies by. The title appears on the screen in large, green letters. Camera pans down to the house.)

Man's voice: Last night's meteor may not have been as innocent as we thought...

(Camera cuts to the television. A black-and-white movie is playing.)

Man: ...look what happened to Dr. Zachary!

(Pulls back curtains to reveal a man's head in a jar. Camera cuts to Phineas and Ferb on the couch watching the film.)

Phineas: (High-fives Ferb) Cool!

(Scene switches to Candace in her room. She hears the film playing.)

Candace: Now what? (Walks into the living room) Alright, what are you guys up to?

Phineas: Watching the Invasion of the Human Overlords marathon. They're playing all five movies tonight!

Candace: Is that all? Pfft. Well enjoy your lame, colorless marathon. I'm heading back.

(She starts to leave, then looks back at the screen)

Candace: Wait, who's that?!

Phineas: That's Dr. Abernathy. He's a scientist!

Candace: He's kind of hunky for a 50s guy.

"Dr. Abernathy": Don't worry. I'll you keep safe.

Woman: Thanks, doctor, but please call me Amanda.

"Dr. Abernathy": Alright... Amanda.

Candace: Sold! (Quickly sits on the couch) Get me up to speed.

Phineas: The aliens are replacing the heads of all the humans with their own shape-shifting, multi-eyed heads, which can then assume the form of the host human.

Candace: Get out, and then...?

Ferb: Once they replace more than 51% of all the humans, they can assume control the earth for their own nefarious purposes.

Candace: Shut up! And...?

(Perry growls and twitches in his sleep)

Candace: No way! Is there no way to stop them?

Phineas: If only you can catch them if they're in their human state. That's when they're at their weakest.

Candace: Then how you can tell if they're aliens?

Phineas: There's three kinds of ways to spot an alien. First, they have strange vocal patterns. They don't get human linguistics.

"Dr. Abernathy": Pass me that frie-bop, please.

Amanda: You mean this hammer?

"Dr. Abernathy": Oh, yes, hammer. Frie-bop is what we call it in Ohio... where I'm from. Candace: What else?

Phineas: They're anatomically disproportionate.

"Dr. Abernathy": Now I need the sprigle-kronk.

Amanda: The what?

"Dr. Abernathy": Never mind. I'll get it.

Phineas: But the clear sign is that they can safely remove any human head, and replace it with their own multi-eyed, shape shifting head.

Candace: Well, yeah. I guess that will give it away.

Phineas: (pointing to the TV) Like this.

Amanda: Doctor? What's wrong. Are you alright?

"Dr. Abernathy": Yes, Amanda. I'm fine. We're all fine, and soon you will be too!

Amanda: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Alien: Sorry, Amanda, but we've waited long enough.

Amanda: NOOOO!!! (her head is in a jar) This can't be! What's happening?

The real Dr. Abernathy: I tried to warn you.

(Later in the evening...Candace is standing on the couch punching at the air)

Amanda: Doctor, your head is attached! You're human again!

Dr. Abernathy: Yes, and once Dr. Zachary returns from heading into those dark, ominous woods alone, with his not fully charged flashlight, you will be too... Amanda.

(The next morning...)

Amanda: But it was all right here! Oh, why did I think anyone would believe me? I was a fool! (sobs) A fool...!

("THE END?" is displayed over the screen)

Candace: Oh, my gosh, you guys. That was awesome. Guys? Uh, guys? Wow, it's tomorrow already. I gotta find those guys and tell them how it ended. ... Guys, guys, guys, ugh--

(Candace runs into Linda, who's carrying a laundry basket)

Candace: Sorry, Mom. Have you seen the boys?

Linda: Yeah, I think they're upstairs. Can you do me a favor and take the laundry up? I'm late for an appointment.

Candace: Sure, Mom.

Linda: Thanks, hon. I'll be back.

Candace: (Holding up a t-shirt) Oh, how cute. Ferb's torso is so tiny. (Upstairs; at Ferb) Oh, there you are. You know, that movie was so...

Ferb: (shouting indistinctly over computer)

Candace: Oops, sorry. I'll just put these in your room.

Ferb's cousin: (Scottish accent) Oh, I wish you were there, Ferb.

Ferb: So do I. Tell Uncle Angus and Aunt Mora thanks for the candy.

Ferb's cousin: Too right. Scotland out. Peace.

Candace: Oh, hey, Phineas. Oh, my gosh, you missed it. By the end everyone got their heads back and everything went back to normal. Well, sort of. The entire laboratory disappeared. But I loved it. I can't look at anything the same way ever again.

Phineas: Cool, glad you liked it.

Candace: Ooh, I-- I almost forgot the coolest part. (In the backyard) Hey, guys. Guys. You're never gonna believe this. At the end, they-- (ominous theme playing) (gasps) Ferb? (sees what looks like Ferb removing his head, she screams and runs to the panic room) Oh, my gosh. Ferb's an alien. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on a second. I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason Ferb can remove his head. I mean, it's not like he had any of the other telltale signs, is it? Oh, no.

(Flashback #1)

(speaking incoherently)

Candace: Strange vocal patterns...

(flashback #1 ends)

(Flashback #2)

Candace: (Holding up a t-shirt) Oh, how cute. Ferb's torso is so tiny.

(flashback #2 ends)

Candace: Anatomically disproportionate... (gasps) THEY GOT TO FERRRRRB!!!!

(Candace runs to Phineas)

Candace: Phineas, Phineas! I-- I know you're gonna think I've completely lost it, but I'm pretty sure that Ferb is an alien. We've got to find his head and re-attach it. Phineas: My brother's an alien? How cool is that? But I think you may be letting your imagination get the best of you, sis.

Candace: Oh, a non-believer, huh? Well, you know what? I'm gonna get proof. You'll see. Ferb's an alien!

Phineas: Hey, where's Perry?

(In Perry's lair)

Major Monogram: Sorry about the distraction, Agent P. The ladies are helping to, uh, (reading from a card) "net-roy-er the lair."

Carl: Tré biens, Monsieur Monogram. Trés bien.

(The French maids giggle while Perry glares)

Maids: Bonjour, Carl.

Carl: Bonjour, Madame.

Maids: (giggles)

Major Monogram: So we're having a bit of a cleanup here, which coincidentally is what Doofenshmirtz seem to be having as well. He's put some old "-inators" up for sale on an evil auction site. If one of those devices were to fall into the wrong hands, it could be catast—Could—Could you please wait for me to finish, Mimi?

Fifi: Non "Mimi." Fifi.

Major Monogram: Oui, Fifi. (at himself) Oh, now I've lost my train of thought. (at Perry) Anyway, get out to Doof's place and put a stop to it. (at Carl) How much is this costing us, Carl?

Carl: Une petite fortune.

Major Monogram: "Petite." That means small, right? Well done, Carl.

Maids: (giggling)

(Song: You're Not Ferb)

♪ Something weird's going on 'round here ♪

♪ Gotta get me some evidence! ♪

♪ Some strange goings-on happenin' on the back lawn ♪

♪ And it's gettin' too intense ♪

♪ 'Cause you're not Ferb! ♪

♪ No, and I'm disturbed! ♪

♪ 'Cause you're not Ferb! ♪

♪ You've got the same colored hair ♪

♪ And his savoir-faire ♪

♪ And his zany serenity! ♪

♪ Though it's not conclusive, something elusive ♪

♪ Says you stole his identity! ♪

Candace: (screaming)

♪ 'Cause you're not Ferb! ♪

♪ No, you're not Ferb! ♪

♪ No, you're not Ferb! ♪

Candace: (screams)

♪ You're not Ferb! ♪

♪ You're not Ferb! ♪

♪ You're not Ferb! ♪

♪ You're not Ferb! ♪

♪ You're not Ferb! ♪

♪ You're not Ferb! ♪

♪ Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated! ♪

(doorbell chimes)

Doofenshmirtz: (opens the door) Oh, hello. You must be here about the ad, right? Well, come on in. It's right over here. (closes the door; dramatic music) Behold the Wrapped-Up-in-a-Nice-Little-Bow-Inator. (Perry, disguised as an evil scientist, blinks) I bet you're wondering what it does, huh? Well, let's say your nemesis is arriving sooner than expected and- And your place is a complete mess. (camera pans to a messy "bedroom") Tidying up is a snap (snaps fingers) with the press of this large, red button. (pushes aforesaid button) See? Wrapped up in a nice little bow. (close up of a box tied up with a red ribbon) You can also use it to hang your clothes on. (hangs one of his lab coats on the Inator) Just like a treadmill. (camera quickly pans to a treadmill with clothes hanging on it) So although my ad said firm, I am flexible, so make me an offer. (Perry blinks twice; Doofenshmirtz rubs a hand behind his head) Wow, you're a good negotiator. Okay, half price. (camera pans to a baseball bat and a container of baseballs) And I'll throw in my Druselstein minor-league baseball collection.

(action theme playing)

(Perry quickly pulls off his disguise then puts his fedora on)

Doofenshmirtz: Perry the Platypus? (grabs the baseball bat) Well, it's a good thing I still have my Druselstein minor-league bat. (Perry goes into a defensive position) Have at you!

(action theme playing)

(Perry bats the wrapped up box with his tail. He then kicks it towards Doofenshmirtz, who swings and misses, and the treadmill activates due to it rebounding off the start button.)

(Doofenshmirtz growls)

Doofenshmirtz: Aw.

(In Phineas and Ferb's room)

Candace: (giggling) Well, Phineas, what do you think? Wait. Before you say anything, look at these photos. I stalked "Ferb" all day. (shows Phineas some photos) See? Proof positive. Ferb...is an ALIEN.

Phineas: Um, well—

Candace: No, no, no, no, just wait till you see. Here, here.

Phineas: But—

Candace: Here, here.

Phineas: But—

Candace: Here and here. And listen to this: (whirring) See? That is an entirely different silence than the Ferb silence we're used to. Here, I'll pay it backwards. (Whirring)

Phineas: Um...

Candace: Fine. Here, here, wait, what about this hideous ball of goo?

Phineas: Listen, Candace, as cool as it would be for Ferb to be an alien, that's sadly not the case. Here, follow me and I'll show you.

Candace: Wait, show me what?

(In the backyard)

Phineas: Ferb, old pal, our dear sister here thinks you may be a sinister extraterrestrial visitor.

Candace: I saw Ferb's head ripped off by a hideous alien monster.

Phineas: Oh, you must mean this reverse power coupling unit we're repairing.

Candace: Reverse power coupling unit?

Phineas: Sure. That's all it was. Ferb's no more alien than you or me.

Candace: But—But what about all this evidence I've been collecting?

Phineas: Well, even though Ferb's not an alien, we are fixing a spacecraft for a friend of Meap's.

Candace: Wait, what?

Phineas: We just finished and we're about to launch.

Candace: Ferb, you're not an alien!...uh, you're about to launch? You guys are so busted, I'm getting Mom!

(Inside the house; the kitchen)

"Linda": (poking an uncooked chicken) Go. Go. You're free, little skin bird.

Candace: (quietly) Mom?

"Linda": Oh! Candace, you scared the bejabbers out of me.

Candace: Come on, I've got something to show you.

(In the backyard)

Candace: Seriously, Mom, I've waited for this moment a long time. (to Phineas and Ferb) All right, you two, let's get this show on the road!

(The ground rumbles, a launch pad with a ship rises out of the ground)

Candace: Yes!!! Ooh, how cool is this? (starts dancing) ♪ So busted, so busted, so busted! ♪ Mom, are you seeing this? I -- I -- I -- I can't believe this is happening! You guys are so busted! And I busted you, for once, Mom is right here to see it! (laughs) Right, Mom?

"Linda": Yes.

Candace: She sees it! All...right! (starts dancing again) ♪ So busted, so busted, so busted! ♪

"Linda": You two have done a great job repairing my ship.

Candace: So busted! Ha -- (stops dancing) Huh? Your ship?

("Linda's" face opens up to reveal Meap's friend, "Linda" is actually a robot)

Meap's friend: (speaks in alien dialect)

Phineas: No problem, Garbog. I hope you finished your study on the habits of the human female parental unit.

(Ferb gives a thumbs up)

Garbog: (speaks in alien dialect)

(Garbog flies up to the spaceship and flies it out of sight)

Candace: Uh, I -- I -- (sobbing)

(car horn)

It's Mom! The real Mom! And I still have proof! (the Linda robot disappears) Crud. (gasps) But the launch pad is still there! (runs off)

(At Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc.)

(While Doofenshmirtz and Perry were fighting, Perry kicks a box into his mouth. When he removes the bow, everything in the box starts to release.)

Doofenshmirtz: Uh-oh.

(When Doofenshmirtz grows too much, he pushes his inator away. Perry then jumps onto it and escapes.)

Curse you, Perry the Plat- (he groans, then spits out a chair) Why did I ever order such a large bedroom set?

(Perry pushes the button on the Wrapped-Up-in-a-Nice-Little-Bow-Inator and the entire building gets wrapped up in a nice little bow)

(action theme playing)

♪ Agent P! ♪

Doofenshmirtz: Ow! Wow, you know, it's quite a bit roomier in here than you'd think.

(When the inator hit the ground, it launches a ray into space, then it reaches a satellite and gets launched back to Earth)

(In the kitchen)

Candace: Mother? Is that you? I mean, really you?

The real Linda: Candace, I don't have time right now. I have frozens.

Candace: Yep. That's you. (pushes her) Come on, Mom, quick!

(In the backyard)

Phineas: Nice design on that rocket gantry, by the way.

(The ray hits the launch pad and wraps it up in a nice little bow)

Phineas: And it folds up for easy storage. Cool.

Candace: (With her eyes closed) Please, please, please, please be there...!

Linda: (flatly) And I'm seeing...the backyard.

Candace: NOOOOOO!!!!!

Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry.

Candace: (sobs) But it was all right here! Oh, why did I think-(gasps) Hold on a second here! (notices wrapped up box) Hey, Mom! This is what my brothers have made! (starts to open the bow, the launch pad suddenly jumps out. Candace is pushed away & she screams.)

Linda: (angry) Did you two make this?!

Phineas: Yes, yes we did.

Linda: For who?

Phineas: Meap's friend.

Linda: Are you making this up?

Phineas: No, I'm not!

Linda: You're lying! You two are grounded for the rest of the summer!

Candace: YES!!!

(Linda digs into Phineas' pocket & Ferb's pocket to see all of their big ideas)

Linda: What the heck am I looking at?!

Candace: That's all of the big ideas they made until today! (Pulls out a trophy) And that trophy is won by Phineas who was racing WITH OUR FAMILY CAR!

Linda: Phineas, is this true?!

Phineas: (weeping) Yes.

Linda: I am so ashamed I raised such a son who makes all of these dangerous contraptions. Though, I must say, the beach in the backyard is pretty impresssive! (To Candace) I'm sorry I ignored you. (To both Phineas & Ferb) Now go to your room & think about what you've done! (Phineas & Ferb run inside, with the former crying)

(Candace goes to her room & laughs)

Phineas: Why did my mom notice our launch pad?! I was a fool! (bawls) A fool...!

(Just like in the last movie, "THE END?" is displayed over the screen. Candace appears & throws the question mark away, and puts an exclamation mark in it's place, the title now reads "THE END!")