The Worst Songs of 2012

This is an episode of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews the worst songs of 2012.

Memorable Quotes
(screen shows a "Behind the Music" episode with Jeremy and the Incidentials)

Announcer: They're the quinntessential American band.

Carl:.......I-I'm sorry, what?

Announcer: They're the quinntessential American band.

Carl: Gosh, Uncovery Channel, I've never heard something so anti-American in my life. I guess if you're saying that America is falling into a quagmire of recession and misery, then Jeremy and the Incidentials would be the quintessential American band.

Carl: Most times when bands rip themselves off, it's usually not on the SAME ALBUM.

(screen shows Jeremy and the Incidentials singing "50 Ways to Say Goodbye")

Carl: It's the same song.....it's the same (bleep) song...Well, that's not absolutely true. They added some mariachi horns, which sounded like a good musical idea.....unfortunately, they made that up with some of the stupidest set of lyrics that I've ever heard in my life.

Carl: Jeremy uses this metaphor to make up stupid lies about how his girlfriend is dead so he doesn't have to admit to getting dumped, which is neither funny nor compelling nor, in Jeremy's hands, particularly sad.

Jeremy: How could you leave on Yom Kippur?

Carl:....They're not even Jewish.....

Carl: There may be fifty ways to say goodbye, but the Incidentials perform it in one way: sucking.

Carl: I usually try not to let overplay affect my rankings, but god, did this one get old quickly.

Adyson: (sings "Where Have You Been")

Carl: I don't quite mean that I'm sick of this song, I mean that I'm sick of everything it represents. I'm sick of the not-at-all subtle references to doing "it", I'm sick of the club stutter beats, but most of all I'm sick of Adyson. In the eight years of her career, Adyson has released seven and a half albums. That's INSANE.

Carl: I don't think that "Where Have You Been" is the worst song I've ever heard, but it's certainly the most tired, uninspired, the one that doesn't deserve repeated listens.

Carl: No one could have thought that a well-crafted chorus about love and gratitude and doing "it" would go "where have you been all my life-ife-ife-ife-ife-ife" over and over again.

Carl: Number eight? Are we sure we're not talking about (mocking Buford) NUMBER TWO!

(screen shows Buford singing "Back in Time")

Carl: Yes, let us have a short rememberance of Buford's already forgotten single for the already forgotten "Agents in Hats 3".

Carl: This song was certainly a big pile of...

Buford: NUMBER TWO!

Carl:....with its mismatched sample, off-topic lyrics, tired self-arrogance, and a baffingly terrible dubstep breakdown at the end.

(screen shows Buford rapping as a dubstep beat plays in the background)

Carl: Since I've already talked about the song, let's talk about the movie for a second. God, what a letdown that was. I don't like how Major Monogram keeps talking about how he wants to destroy Dr. Doofenshmirtz, but their conflict is just a bunch of nonsense, Also, it's kind of disappointment to see the future versions of the characters reverting back to their preteen and teen ways, just like it's disappointing how Buford is still making the same party jams he's been making for years now.

Candace: (growls angrily)

(the beat to "Want U Back" begins playing)

Carl: (angrily) Inexcusable.

Carl: In a year where Danville inflicted both Stacy and Five Danvillians onto the rest of the world, they also gave us Danville brat Candace Flynn, who gave us an absolutely charmless song by an absolutely charmless artist. If anyone tells you that anyone related to Phineas and Ferb is awesome, don't believe them.

Candace: (rapping) And now you're taking her to every restaurant, and everywhere we went, come on!

Carl: He's taking her to EVERY restaurant?

Candace: And now you're taking her to every restaurant...

Carl: (sarcastically) How dare he takes his new girlfriend on (gasps) dates!? (unsarcastically) Shut up!

Carl: Candace is there to remind you of everything wrong, evil, and sociopathic about teenage girls. If Mindy represents adolescence at its most innocent, Candace represents the mean-girl, catty, (bleep)y other side.

Candace: She ain't got nothing on me, try'na rock them ugly jeans, jeans, jeans....

Carl: And if I may be a b-word in return, (in a mean girl voice) Oh honey, I don't think someone with a freakishly long neck who wears the same thing every day should criticize someone else's jeans. Cha! (snaps his fingers in a sassy way)

(the song ends and the video ends with Candace in prison looking surprised)

Carl: (mocking Candace) The sound of me trying too hard. (makes a helicopter noise with his mouth)

Carl: One big trend this year is that teen idols are back in a huge way.

(screen shows PFT singing "Glad You Came")

Carl: They've always been around, but they've been confined to their teen-pop corner. But this all changed in 2012. (screen shows Ferb singing "Boyfriend") Ferb Fletcher managed to actually have hits this year and we've started bringing back the boy bands. Ferb's new found maturity hasn't translated to anything other than mediocracy and Five Danvillians are just a terrible, terrible band, but we're not talking about them. We're talking about a fine young man named Monty Monogram.

Monty: You'll know I'll fall apart without you...

Carl: Yes, there's a country Ferb Fletcher. I don't know if hearing that made you shudder, but it definitely made me shudder.

Carl: His publicist has been hyping him up as a super-talented multi-instrumentalist, which I respect, but talent isn't the same as quality.

Monty: I wanna wrap you up, wanna kiss your lips, I wanna make you feel wanted...

Carl: The fact is that his first single, "Wanted" is utter garbage. It has some of the worst "baby baby love you girl" lyrics I've ever heard, including from Fletcher, whose biggest hit went "baby baby baby oh".

Carl: (in a monotone voice) I need you in my life, girl, want to love you forever, babe, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Monty: Wanna hold your hand forever....

Carl: "Want to hold your hand"? Dude, this isn't 1963. There is no man this innocent, girls.

Carl: The line "Want to make you feel wanted" is how drunk guys hit on you. This song is so corny that I can only see it as a complete con. Monty Monogram just wants your body, girls. Don't fall for it.

Monty: Wanna make you feel wanted....

Carl:.....They're falling for it, aren't they?

Carl: I was going to do a review on this, but it'll probably be gone by the time I get to it, so let's just tackle it now.

(screen shows Coltrane and Candace singing "Scream and Shout")

Carl: Yes, folks, the long-awaited collaboration of Coltrane and Candace, both artists that we could have left in the past decade.

Coltrane: (in a robotic voice) You are now, now rocking with Coltrane and...

Candace: Candace, (bleep).

Carl: (sarcastically gasps) She called me a b-word!

Carl: Coltrane has always had trouble with success without PFSC, but here, he trades out Stacy with Candace, which is like trading too much personality for little personality at all. Candace stopped giving a (bleep) about her chosen profession many years ago, and she sounds like it, too.

Candace: (speaking in a deep voice) When we up in the club, we're gonna turn the (bleep) up...(keeps repeating)

Carl: Wait.....is that even Candace at all? She sounds like she's being dubbed by Ferb.

Carl: "Scream and Shout" is like a combination of Coltrane's worst traits. His jumbled-up, vaguely partying lyrics in the grand "Boom Boom Pow" tradition, a painfully unpleasant beat lifted from "Dirty Bit", and a sense of utterly vacant nonsense. This is the destruction of pop. When I imagine the phrase "scream and shout", I don't see a wild party or a scream of freedom, I see a forty year old man throwing a tantrum. (screen shows a picture of Doofenshmirtz throwing a tantrum)

Baljeet: (begins whistling to the tune of "Whistle")

Carl: Fittingly enough, a song called "Whistle" totally blows.

Carl: I already did a review of this song, but I don't think I told you all about how I really felt about Baljeet. Let me just get that all out of my system, right here, right now. (takes a deep breath)

Annotation: (nothing)

Carl: Okay, I'm done. There's nothing interesting to say about this guy. Next!

Albert: Oooo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooooo-ooo-oo-ooo....

Carl: (angrily) Okay, Nunchucks 5, you're officially on the (bleep) list.

Carl: As we continue into Nunchucks 5: The Sellout Years, I can say that I didn't hate "Moves Like Jagger" and "Payphone"'s only crime was being boring. But then, the widely popular "One More Night" came out, and all I can say is Nunchucks 5 needs to officially go away.

Carl: This song is also a way to describe why Albert is easy to hate on as a performer. All his "my love life sucks woe is me" stuff in the past seemed like a way to talk about how many hot girls he's been doing "it" with, but in "One More Night", he brings the subtext right into the text.

Albert: I be waking up in the morning, probably hating myself, I be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as (bleep)...

Carl: (mocking Albert) Oh, we're so bad for each other, but all we do is lay in bed and (bleep) each other all day. Oh, woe is me. My love life sucks. (unsarcastically) Go bite me, Albert!

Carl: This is the douchebaggiest song of the year, and every time I hear it, I want to swing a golf club into Albert's (bleep)s, which is exactly how he sounds like. I've never liked Albert's voice, but he has never been so unlistenable like he is on this. I hate hearing those horrible yelps that sound like a strangled parrot sqwaking. This is Albert at his most punchable. And the rest of Nunchucks 5 should be ashamed that they played a single note on this song by which I mean that they shouldn't feel bad at all because I doubt that they even played a note on this at all. (screen shows a picture of the band, but Carl crossed out all the members except for Albert and wrote "ALBERT" as the caption)

Carl: What's the point of this song? It is supposed to be angry, sad, romantic, hot? No. It's nothing but obnoxious. This kept "Fletcher Style" off the number one spot. I hope you're happy, America.

Carl:............................HEFTY BAG!?

(screen shows Jeremy and the Incidentials singing "Drive By")

Carl: Jeremy hates love, romance, the English language, and YOU. What I get from them is smug detachment, like, "I can put any stupid song out, and you losers would buy it anyway".

Carl: After repeated listens, I think I heard a lyric worse than the "Hefty bag" one.

Jeremy: If they don't like it, sue me, mmm, the way you do me....

Carl: "Mmm, the way you do me"!? Um, excuse me, let me go get a two-ply Hefty bag to vomit in. This song isn't just bad, it's gross. It's a garbage song about garbage. And if the American public had any sense, then Jeremy would probably be the victim of a drive-by than singing about one in one of his inane songs.

Carl: And now, before we get to number one, let me talk about a few honorable mentions.

Phineas: (rapping) You only live once, that's the motto, (bleep), yolo...

Carl: Right, this would be the song that brought us this idiotic phrase "yolo", which means "you only live once". It basically just gives people an excuse to do stupid things. (screen shows an article on how the Ballpit Kid almost died for doing something dangerous because he followed Phineas' motto) If this list measured bad pop culture as a whole, this would be number one.

Carl: If "you only live once" is your motto, try to sound happy about it.

Phineas: And we say it, everyday, everyday, (bleep) what anybody says....

Carl: (in a monotone voice) Yolo. Yolo. Yolo. Yolo. Yolo. Yolo. Yolo. Yolo. Next!

Django: I won't give up on us....

Carl: Dreadfully boring "white guy with guitar" song that didn't make the list because it sounded sincere and had a good message. Next!

Buford: And it feels like I am just too close to love you....

Carl: "Too close to love you" is one of those douchebag "it's not you, it's me" break-up lines. It's paddingly insincere, and it just feels awkward trying to break it off with someone while a dubstep beat plays in the background. (mocking Buford) I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE! I'M NOT FEELING A RELATIONSHIP!

Isabella: Starships were meant to fly-y-y-y-y....

Carl: Oh, right, Star(bleep)s. Basic waste of talent by someone who used to be a good artist. Next!

Carl: Let me make this clear.

Five Danvillians: You don't know you're beautiful-oh-oh, that's what makes you beautiful....

Carl: There's a reason why Five Danvillians think you're beautiful because you don't know you're beautiful. It's because you're hot enough to be their trophy, but too insecure so they don't feel threatened by it. Did you get it? You're beautiful because you're stupid or damaged to ever leave them. That's what they're saying here. Got it?

Five Danvillians: I don't, I don't, don't know what it is.....

Carl: This would have made the list if it had been an actual hit.

Five Danvillians: You've got that one thing....

Carl: (sarcastically) You've got that "one thing", teenage fan. You've got that one unnamed thing that makes me love you, wherever you are, whoever you are. You know, that generic "one thing". Swoon, (bleep)!

Eliza: Let's get up, let's get on it, don't you leave me brokenhearted tonight....

Carl: The Candace wannabes came in full-force this year. If there was a generic soulless song on the radio, I didn't hear it.

Stacy: Ooo-ooo-ooo-ooooh

Carl: Oh yeah, there was this song, too. Well, Stacy's a better singer than Candace, and I actually liked this song at first, until I realized that none of the lyrics made any sense.

Stacy: You're like a shot of pure gold...

Carl: .....Do you drink it?

Stacy: We can do this all night, (bleep) this love is skintight....

Carl:.....Is that a good thing?

Stacy: You strum me like a guitar....

Carl:......What?

Stacy: Take me down like I'm a domino...

Carl: .......Knock you down into other dominos? What? Next!

Five Danvillians: Let's go crazy, crazy, crazy till we see the sun....

Carl: I just want to reiterate that Five Danvillians is (bleep)ing awful. Just a terrible, terrible group. Okay, enough jerking around. Back to the important stuff.

Carl: I search deep inside myself to find what ticks me off. What is the most detestable, least justifiable, what just hits me in the gut as just being unworthy to be displayed even once. And if we're talking about the sheer, unlikability, and "so bad it's terrible" factor, it comes down, always, to Buford.

Carl: I thought I, and the world, had displayed our disgust of Buford after his Grammy controversy almost a year ago, but apparently, he keeps doing stupid things to anger people even more. (screen shows articles of Buford dressing up as a terrorist for Halloween, getting in a bar fight with Phineas, and having a Twitter fight with Vanessa and sending her offensive tweets before shutting down his account)

Carl: My number one pick has nothing to do with my hatred of Buford, or my disapproval of Adyson hanging out with him. No, this is my number one pick because it is obscenely terrible piece of music.

Adyson: (rapping) Come and put your name on it, put your name on it (keeps repeating while a terrible beat plays in the background)

Carl: This is a remix, except it's not, since the original version is a minute and a half long and was put on the album unfinished. There was never a music video for this because Adyson and Buford's stupid, stupid handlers know that they shouldn't have those two on screen together. But that doesn't mean I could avoid it, either. If you want a reason why Adyson and Buford should never get back together, here it is.

Adyson: Nothing else like this, imma make you my (bleep)....

Carl: "Birthday Cake" is yet another song about Adyson proudly showing off her newfound womanhood, which she has done for a while now with negative results, especially from here, which conveys all the hotness of a migraine.

Adyson: Cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake (keeps repeating)

Carl: If you thought a song called "S&M" that just repeated the phrase "S S S and M M M" was annoying and uncreative, then you obviously haven't listened to this, which just repeats one single word over and over until your brain cracks.

Adyson: But he wanna lick the icing off, he knows I want it in the worst way, I can't wait to blow my candles out....

Carl:.......I think I know what the icing is..............not sure about the candles.......

Carl: Buford's assault makes this song hard to listen to.

Adyson: (rapping) Remember how you did it, remember how you did it....

Carl: Oh, I remember how he did it.....in fact, I wish I could forget.

Carl: Most people try to make people forget about the most heinous thing they've ever did, but Buford keeps bringing with up.

Buford: Been a long time, I'll be missing your body....

Carl: Yes, it has been a long time. She dumped you because you hit her.

Buford: I know she wants it in the worst way....

Carl:.......................Why do people keep letting Buford do this to himself? Why doesn't he have people telling him about how he shouldn't sing about "giving it to her in the worst way" because he already did?

Carl: Cake is now a sometimes food, and Buford is a convicted felon. Buford Von Stomm, still irreprehensible in 2013. I'm done. (leaves the set)

(episode ends)

Trivia

 * The creator liked most of these songs except for "Birthday Cake" and "The Motto"
 * Five Danvillians is a parody of One Direction. They are made up of Jeremy, Coltrane, Monty, Albert, and the unnamed drummer