The Ballad of Klimpaloon (story)

This is Chapter 1 of Welcome to the Band! Love Händel: Behind and Beyond the Scenes

Basic Summary
Danny attempts to climb Mt. Everest on a whim. Bobbi and Sherman noticed that Danny had disappeared, so chased after him into the mountians. They found him, but they found that they had become lost. That is where this chapter begins. How did this event lead to them writing 'The Ballad of Klimpaloon?'

Story
“This is psychotic!” Sherman complained rather loudly, looking out at the barren, snowy wasteland.

“I’m sorry, Danny, but I have to agree with him there,” Bobbi stated, shivering in his thick jacket.

“C’mon guys! I know what I’m doing. You all agreed to this, so you should stop complaining and keep moving!” Danny stubbornly persisted to trudge forward in the knee deep snow.

“Actually, no. We didn’t agree to do this, you just refused to stay in town until you got your so called, ‘inspiration,’ back,” Bobbi corrected the lead singer of the group. “That’s fine and all, and I completely understand that you want to get back into the musical zone, but why did you try to hike up Mt. Everest!”

“Seriously, don’t you know how many people have died going up Everest? In fact, you don’t even attempt escalating the mountain unless you’re well trained for it! We’re all middle-aged men here, and none of us have what it takes to climb that thing!” Sherman motioned to the tallest mountain peak around them. “What were you thinking?”

“I told you once, Swampy, and I’ll tell you again, we need to get our inspiration back!” Danny proclaimed.

“Just because we were delirious on drugs whenever we wrote songs back in the day doesn’t mean that we have to climb Mt. Everest now that we’re all clean!” Sherman reasoned.

“How do you know that this won’t be what finally leads us to having another hit album?” Danny to convince his band mates.

“Not if we all die doing this! In fact, I’d be more than willing to get inebriated if I knew that you would go to these lengths to write a new song!”

“Now, Swampy, I know that you wouldn’t...” Danny started, but was interrupted.

“Will you two please just shut up!” Bobbi snapped at the two. “Do either of you know where we are?”

They blinked at each other for a second before admitting in unison, “No...”

“Well, do you?” Danny asked innocently enough, leaning towards Bobbi.

“Well, no, but that’s beside the point!” Bobbi tried to push the blame aside

“Wait... I thought you had the map!” Sherman barked back.

“I did! I... It just... got blown out of my hands...” Bobbi’s voice faltered.

“Danny, if we survive this, please remind me to strangle him,” Sherman turned to his other friend and threatened through gritted teeth.

“Don’t worry, bro. We’ll survive this if it kills me!” Danny tried to reassure them.

“Oh, really? How specifically, would you prefer to die? Hypothermia, starvation, exposure, dehydration, lack of oxygen, falling through the ice, getting crushed by the ice, suffocation, falling off of a cliff, frost bite, altitude sickness, or do you truly believe that you’ll be lucky enough to just sit down and never get up,” Sherman listed off.

“Dude, you really need to stop reading such depressing books at the library,” Danny remarked, impressed and mortified by his friend’s knowledge of how to die on Mt. Everest.

“Hey! Those are the only good ones!” Sherman protested.

“Oh God! We’re all going to die!” Danny and Sherman stopped to look at Bobbi who was starting to hyperventilate and have an overall panic attack.

“We’re not going to die! Swampy, convince him!” Danny ordered.

“Well, out of the 5,000 attempts to climb Mt. Everest, only 219 people on record have died...”

“You see, nothing to worry...” But Danny was interrupted again.

“Then again, since this data was taken since 1922 that still has about three people dying every year. Also, it should be noted that out of those 5,000 attempts only 3,000 have succeeded.”

“We’re going to die!”

“Bobbi, stop panicing! Swampy, stop making Bobbi panic! We’re going to get out of this together! We are not going to die!”

Sherman turned to Danny and accused, “We wouldn’t be in this mess if you didn’t get suicidal on us!”

“I wasn’t being suicidal. We just need inspiration! And what better way than to conquer the tallest mountain on earth!” Danny mused out loud.

“Do you know how long it takes most people to climb Everest? It takes months of just building gradually up the mountain, climbing up and back down several times, until people are even ready to consider climbing to the peak. The body has to adjust to the lack of air and high altitude, or they die. And here you thought you could do this on a whim? Why do you think 2,000 attempts have failed? What you were doing was practically suicide wether you acknowledge it or not!”

“Well, at least we found him.” Bobbi said, trying to look on the bright side of things, finally regaining his composure.

“We may have found him, but that doesn’t deter from the fact that we’re lost, and we’re probably going to die!”

“Seriously, Swampy, calm down. If we remain calm, we can get out of this.” Danny tried to sway the drummer.

“But if we stay too calm, we may as well just lay down and die...” Sherman spat from under his breath.

With a nasty glance from Danny, Sherman finally shut up.

The scenery was blank and desolate. The snow that sparkled in the early morning light, while beautiful during sunrise, became blinding as the sun rose higher in the sky. The only indication that gave the three any signs of progress were the shoe prints left behind them in the snow, the slow passing of black rocks that jutted out of the virgin snow almost like misshapen obelisks to some unseen force, and the bare sides of cliffs and mountains around them that seemed to leer at them as they marched forward. Before too long, the day had moved on, and the wind gradually began to pick up. Dark clouds enveloped the sky, and remained, ever ominous. The wind blew harder and harder, picking up the fallen snow with it until the three musicians were enveloped in white. They had to fight against the wind to even remain standing, much less walk forward. Visibility plummeted and they could only identify each other through their silhouettes. The winds were so loud and raging that speaking became a useless form of communication. Still, they kept stumbling forward in hopes of finding a town, or any form of civilisation.

Danny, who was leading the group, turned around to see how the other two were doing, wondering why he could no longer hear their shuffling through the snow. Squinting through his goggles, trying to keep the wind off of his freezing face and from obscuring his vision, he gazed out at the white scenery. He stood there for a minute, trying to find his friends through the blinding white, but no matter where he turned, he couldn’t see anybody. “Bobbi? Swampy?” Danny asked, stepping forward a few paces, moving away the piece of cloth that covered his face.

No reply. His surroundings remained completely white.

“Bobbi! Swampy!” Danny tried to shout louder into the snow.

He was answered by more silence. There were no figures in the distance.

“Oh no... Bobbi! Swampy! Where are you!” Danny shouted into the silence but it was in vain.

His surroundings remained devoid of any voice. No one was out there.

Danny could feel his heart begin to race, his breathing became short and heavy, and he knew that a panic attack was edging its way into him. He started to run the way that he thought he had come in, yelling, “Bobbi! Swampy! Where are you! Somebody! Anybody! Help! I need to find my friends! Please! Answer me!”

There was nothing out there. Nobody to see. Danny was lost. “Where are you guys...?” Danny asked into the nothingness before his legs gave way under him. He kneeled on the ground, and uttered, “Swampy was right... We were doomed from the start... Why does he seem to be right so often these days?” He bent down and rested his head on his knees, defeated.

He was waiting for the snow to bury him entirely, for the end to come. It wasn’t that he wanted to die, it was just the only thing he could do at this point. He wanted to survive, but there wasn’t much point in doing so without his friends. He just decided to give up.

That was when he heard it, a mysterious sound.

Danny sat up in the snow. Was he hearing things? Or was this a sign of hope? He closed his eyes and carefully listened to the sound.

It was very distinct. The sound repeated itself over and over again in the most basic of patterns. Danny listened even closer, and thought it was saying, “Nang-nang-nang-nang-nang.”

After a few more seconds of listening, Danny was certain it was someone’s voice. “Hello? Who’s there!” he shouted at whoever the voice belonged to.

The voice immediately stopped.

Danny lowered his head. So... This person didn’t come to help him.

“Nang-nang-nang.” The voice came back.

Danny stood up, his legs completely recovered from whatever made him collapse. He felt strong. Strong enough to run at least.

“Nang-nang-nang,” the voice continued.

Danny turned towards the direction of the voice and started to move forward. Whoever this person was, even if they wouldn’t reveal themselves to him, he would find. Once he found them, wether they were willing to or not, he was going to make them to help his friends.

Danny shoved through the snow, beginning his treck towards the voice. Each step he made increased his morale and made him stronger. With each step made, he began to move faster towards the voice. After what seemed like hours of pushing against the forces of nature, Danny finally saw something in the snow. It was a warm, yellow-orange light. His eyes widened at the sight as if it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, and began to sprint towards the light. He tripped several times in the process, but each time, he managed to pick himself back up and keep going. The voice was so loud that he thought that he could reach out and touch it.

Without even realizing it, the winds stopped, the snow disappeared, and the ground before him became brown with dirt. Finally, the light was directly before him, but the voice had stopped. Danny could sense that he was in a cave, but someone else was in here as well.

“Well, it took you long enough,” a familiar voice said in a semi-scolding but relieved way.

Danny looked up, removing his goggles, to see a man with neck length, white hair, and a small, gray stubble on his chin, peer at him through a pair of thick rimmed glasses.

“Hey Danny. Care to join us?” asked a gray haired man with half moon glasses, holding open a blanket that wrapped around the both of them as he smiled feebly.

“Bobbi... Swampy... What happened to you guys? I couldn’t find you,” Danny gaped at the two men.

“Don’t ask me, man. I just collapsed out of exhaustion. I felt someone drag me out of the snow, and leave me here. By the time I got up to see who saved me, this fire was lit, and the cave was empty. A few minutes later he came in here.” Sherman nudged Bobbi, who was sitting on the ground next to him.

“Well, I only stopped to help you, but somehow we got separated. I was wandering around, lost, when I saw a brilliant light in the snow. I followed it here. Swampy was sitting there, looking so sorry for himself.” Bobbi nudged Sherman back.

“No I wasn’t,” Sherman claimed.

“Uh, yeah you were,” Bobbi said in rebuttal.

“Hey! At least I came up here prepared, and didn’t look like a scared, wet dog. I would have done perfectly fine without you.”

“Like hell you would! I know you! You would die of loneliness!”

“Uh... Guys,” Danny hesitantly interjected.

“At least I wouldn’t freeze to death!”

“That’s better than having to die with you!

“Guys!” Danny shouted over the argument.

“What!” the two reacted in unison.

“Can’t we put our differences aside for now? We could be trapped in here for a while.”

The two men paused to consider it for a moment before agreeing, “Fine,” at the same time, making the two shoot spiteful glances at each other.

“So, do you want to freeze out there on your own, or do you want to come join us?” Sherman offered, still holding the blanket open.

Danny grinned. “Sure thing, man.”

Danny sat next to Sherman, wrapping the blanket around everyone in the cave. The blanket was rather large, and easily cloaked the three men. They sat in silence, watching the blizzard keep raging. The floor and walls of the cave were icy cold, but the area around the fire was warm and kept the outside world at bay. It was almost like they were in their own personal safety bubble.

“Thank goodness we have this fire,” Danny whispered under his breath, warming his hands by it.

“Yeah, without it, we’d probably freeze to death,” Sherman added a bit louder.

“You really don’t want to freeze to death, do you?” Bobbi asked with a mischievous grin.

“Not only don’t I want to, but I’m set on not dying in such an undignified way.” Sherman raised his head proudly, puffing out his chest like a pigeon, for only a second, before curling back down for warmth. “Speaking of which, how did you find us, Danny?”

“Well...” Danny took a second to remember the series of events that lead to this. “I heard this strange voice... I was thinking that perhaps whoever it belonged to could help me find you guys, so I followed it all the way here.”

“Really? By any chance, did this voice sort of go, ‘Nang-nang-nang,’ like Swampy’s ex-wife?” Bobbi asked.

“Hey...!” Sherman yelled, but was interrupted by Danny.

“Yeah! How did you know?”

“Cause I heard it too!” Bobbi exclaimed. “When I turned to look at where the voice was coming from, I saw the light.”

The two men turned to stare at Sherman, who blinked in mild confusion. “What? You think it was me making those noises?”

“Well, it would explain some things...” Bobbi suggested.

“Well, for your information, I was not making those noises. In fact, the person who dragged me here was making those sounds, not me.”

The other two stared at him in disbelief.

“What! Seriously, it happened!” Sherman yelled, defensively.

Danny turned away from the other two. “But who would save us, and why?” he thought to himself, out loud.

“Perhaps it was a fan?” Bobbi purposed.

“Really? A fan all the way out here? If that’s so, why aren’t they in the cave with us?” Sherman repealed.

“Then perhaps a native?” Bobbi suggested again.

“Why would a native be out in the middle of a snow storm like this? I would think they would stay inside during blizzards,” Danny reasoned.

“Could it be...? No, it can’t be...” Swampy muttered to himself.

“What is it?” Bobbi pried.

“No, you’d think I’ve gone crazy.” Sherman turned away from Bobbi, where Danny was lying in wait.

“If you have any ideas, please feel free to share them with us, Swampy.”

Sherman sighed and said, “Klimpaloon.”

“What?” Danny asked, hardly catching what his drummer friend said.

“Klimpaloon. It’s a legend among the Sherpas.”

“The who?” Bobbi asked.

“A group of people living in this area that are known for their mountaineering abilities. They have a story that tells of a being that helps lost and weary travelers in these mountains,” Sherman explained.

“So... It’s like a kind Yeti that helps people?” Bobbi asked. “That’s not too unbelievable.”

“Oh, it’s nothing like a Yeti,” Sherman assured him.

“But they both live in the Himalayas, right?”

“Yes, but that’s where the resemblance ends.”

The two blinked at him suspiciously. “Swampy, what are you hiding?” Danny asked, with a dark tone edging its way into his voice.

“If I tell you, you’ll think I’ve lost it.” Sherman shook his head in refusal.

“No we won’t, right Bobbi?”

Bobbi nodded his head to try and sway the other band member.

Sherman sighed. “Fine, I’ll tell you, but don’t laugh.”

The two nodded vigorously, leaning in close to hear.

Sherman took a deep breath and said, “Klimpaloon is the magical old-timey bathing suit that lives in the Himalayas.”

“The what?” Bobbi asked.

“It’s a magical bathing suit that lives in the Himalayas. It’s not that hard to understand,” Sherman clarified, his voice dripping with displeasure.

Bobbi had to put his hands over his mouth to keep himself from laughing.

“What? I swear that I am not making this up. There was a book in the library all about him.”

Bobbi took a few deep breaths to compose himself. “Okay, okay, I’m good now, but that is just...”

“Brillant!” Danny interrupted.

The two men looked at the lead guitarist in confusion.

He had liberated some paper and a pencil from Sherman’s backpack and was scribbling notes and words on the paper. “This is brillant... Brilliant! I bet ya that our fans back in the Tri-State area will love this! Here!” He handed the two a sheet of paper.

“He’s the magical old-timey bathing suit that lives in the Himalayas They call him Klimpaloon (Klimpaloon) And if you’re between Tibet and Nepal...” Sherman read out loud before pausing, to read the rest to himself. “Danny, are these supposed lyrics? You simply copied what I just said about Klimpaloon, just in song form.”

“Yeah, I know! Your words can just be so lyrical, so poetic, you know. It’s just like that song you accidently wrote with Phineas. That song was nominated for an Emmy for crying out loud! You should, like, write more of our songs, dude.” Danny commented, sounding suspiciously like a stoner.

“You’re mental!”

“That’s what you said about going up here, and yet, here we are, getting along, with our inspiration found.” Danny grinned slyly.

“And thank goodness for that.” Sherman rolled his eyes.

Just then, a loud grumble was heard, snapping Danny to alertness.

“What was that?” Danny asked.

“That? Oh, that was just Bobbi’s stomach,” Sherman assured him.

“Well, excuse me for being hungry,” Bobbi huffed.

“Yeah, I’m hungry too. Swampy, can you use your wondrous survival skills and get us something to eat?” Danny begged with puppy eyes.

“Why do you always force me to prepare your food?” Sherman looked at Danny sheepishly.

“Well you are the fat...” but Danny interrupted before Bobbi could finish.

“You are the most fantastic cook out of all of us! So, would you please find us some food?”

Sherman sighed and started to dig in his pack. Before too long, he pulled out some canned foods, bowls, forks, and what the two found most surprising, a stockpot.

“How much stuff do you have in there?” Danny marveled at what Sherman had pulled from his bag.

“No wonder you collapsed with exhaustion. I would to, if I was carrying that much junk,” Bobbi gaped at the pot.

“You’d be surprised what a person could fit inside a bag like this.” Sherman grinned modestly as he poured canned stew into the pot that was now sitting over the fire. “You aren’t so sorry that I took so long to pack now, are you Bobbi? This junk may have just saved our lives.”

“Yes, yes I am,” Bobbi answered, licking his lips in anticipation.

“You always come prepared, don’t you?” Danny grinned, taking in a deep breath of stew that was being cooked in the pot.

“Later, if you want, we can have some tea. I happen to have a tea kettle and cups on me as well.” Sherman’s smirk grew childish in satisfaction.

Bobbi started to giggle under his breath.

“What is it?” Danny asked, looking ready to pounce on the stew if it didn’t cook fast enough.

He looked up, his face breaking into a broad smile. “This reminds me of the snowstorm when we were touring Colorado back in ’91.”

Danny burst into laughter. “Oh, yeah! We were debating over who’d we have to eat first if we were snowed in for too long, the dog, or Swampy!”

“What!” Sherman shouted as he stirred the stew.

“Of course we chose the dog. You were too scrawny to eat back then anyway. Hey, remember how the toilet backed up, and we had to go outside?” Danny reminisced.

Sherman grinned sadistically. “Of course I do! Bobbi refused to go outside without a partner! Well, as it turned out, mine was bigger!”

“Hey! It was cold outside! What did you expect!” Bobbi defended.

“Ah! There was also that time you accidently ate a tube of toothpaste!” Sherman told Danny. “By the way, soup’s ready.”

“Ooh! And the other time when we shaved your head while you were sleeping.” Bobbi reminded Danny.

“Hey, why are you guys picking on me now!” Danny shouted as he took a large helping of stew.

“Well, to be fair, you did take revenge on us once the snow melted,” Bobbi said in a sensible tone, taking his own helping.

“Yeah, you only managed to kick us out of the bus in nothing, but our underwear!” Sherman declared, finishing off the pot.

All three burst into simultaneous laughter.

“You should have seen your faces once I started to drive away!” Danny chortled, taking a bite.

“You should have seen the faces of the passerby's!” Bobbi shared, between bites.

“You should have seen the faces of the poor couple that we hitchhiked with!” Sherman sniggered, with a full mouth.

“You two are so lucky you weren’t sued for that!” Danny sprayed at the other two.

“And Sherman, you are still able to work at the library with dignity, even with all those children?” Bobbi asked, pointing at Sherman with his fork.

“You’re lucky that kids don’t come to your salon more often.” Sherman eyed Bobbi, beaming.

Danny swallowed his food and said, “Those were some good times.” He took a deep breath, his face turning serious. “Why did we ever break up?”

The other two stopped to look at him, suddenly focusing as well.

“You know, I don’t remember anymore,” Bobbi admitted.

“Well, we’re together now, and that’s all that matters,” Sherman uttered.

“Yeah,” the other two agreed.

They sat there, silently reflecting on their fond memories, finishing their meals.

Once they had finished, and Sherman was packing his stuff up, they heard that unmistakeable, “Nang-nang-nang.”

The three simultaneously turned to look out of the mouth of the cave, and gasped at what they saw. It was night, and the storm had finally ceased, but standing at the entrence of the cave was a rather short silhouette. In the full moon’s light, they could see it almost perfectly clearly. It had short stubby arms and legs, but no hands or feet, it had green and white stripes moving horizontally all across its body, but strangest of all were the eyes and mouth that were placed on its chest.

“What the heck is that!” Bobbi screamed.

“Nang-nang...” The thing sounded rather torn by the statement.

“Bobbi, calm down. I think you’re offending it,” Danny ordered.

“Woah... I did not expect this,” Sherman said with his eyes wide. “That’s Klimpaloon!”

“What? I thought you said that it was a bathing suit,” Bobbi remarked, cluelessly.

“Yeah, I was really expecting a sexy bikini or something,” Danny mentioned.

“That is a bathing suit. Mind you, the bikini didn’t come around until World War Two. Those are what bathing suits looked like before then.”

“Nang-nang-nang!” The bathing suit now sounded a bit irritated.

The three turned back to the bathing suit.

As Sherman tried to shove everything back into his bag, Danny approached it saying, “Hey, there little dude, sorry we were ignoring you before...”

“Nang-nang-nang.” Klimpaloon turned around, and motioned for the rest to follow.

Danny blindly started to follow him, but was stopped by Bobbi.

“Are you sure we should trust it?” Bobbi asked suspiciously.

“Well, if Swampy says that he helped us before, why not?”

“You do realize that it’s just a bathing suit, right?” Sherman asked Bobbi, with his pack finally mounted on his shoulders. “I don’t think it has anything to hide from us.”

Bobbi pouted, “Fine! Whatever you say!” With that, the group let the bathing suit escort them.

They had walked for only a few minutes when the band was forced to stop and gape at what was ahead of them. Something had drastically changed about the scenery before them. There were lights, electrical lights.

“Could it be?” Bobbi spoke aloud what everyone else was thinking, “It’s civilisation!”

Immediately, Bobbi and Sherman began to sprint towards the town, leaving deep and wide trails in the snow behind them, shouting at each other like children as to who would get there first.

“Wow. You’ve helped us a lot Klimpaloon, not only did you save our lives, but now we can go home. I just wish that we could...” He turned to where he expected Klimpaloon to be standing, but he was no longer there.

Instead, he could hear the sound, “Nang-nang-nang-nang-nang,” echoing off of the mountains surrounding him.

Danny turned his head up in the direction that he thought the sound was coming from and smiled. “Thank you, Klimpaloon,” he simply said before turning towards his friends and breaking into a run yelling, “Hey, guys! Wait for me!”

Allusions / Trivia
"It’s just like that song you accidently wrote with Phineas. That song was nominated for an Emmy for crying out loud!" This is refering to the song Ain't Got Rhythm, and it being nominated for an emmy is a true thing.

The trivia about Mt. Everest, while rounded is more or less accurate. At least according to Wikipedia

While the creator of this story lives in Colorado, she is not aware of any big snowstorms in 1991.

Author's Notes
Yeah, welcome to chapter 1 of this little fanfiction. In case you havn't guessed already, this will be about Love Händel. For this story, I will be taking requests. If you have any good ideas, please either post them on This blog my talk page, or whatever else suits you that I can see. I hope you enjoy this story.

Errors
If you see any, please fix them... or mention them here.

Memorable Quotes
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