How Phineas and Ferb and the Temple of Juatchadoon should have ended/Transcript

(The scene opens up with a map of India that has an overlaid date of 1914, before shifting to a snowy mountain, into which a cave is set. Ohio Flynn and Rhode Island Fletcher climb up the mountain and into the cave. Rhode Island slides their toboggan near the mouth of the cave as they enter)

Ohio: This is it. Giant Cannibal Cave! According to the map, Beserk Magurk stashed it here. No one ever saw him again. This way! Up these Giant Cannibal Stairs!

(They climb up two gigantic steps to find themselves overlooking a giant table set several feet below them. On the plate rests a skeleton wearing a fedora, clutching a golden talisman in his bony fingers)

Ohio: There it is - the Amulet of Juatchadoon! And that must be Magurk, down there on that Giant Cannibal Dining Set! (Grins) How much rope do you have? (Rhode Island gestures to several hundred feet of rope) As always, you are prepared.

(They attach the rope to a rocky bridge, scaring away hundreds of bats. Rhode Island quickly rappels down and grabs the amulet. He shakes off the skeletal arm still attached to it as Ohio pulls him up)

Ohio: So, the markings on this amulet should lead us to the lost Temple of Juatchadoon! (As they run across the bridge and into the next room, Norm steps out and picks them up from behind)

Norm: Who wants cocoa?

Ohio: Hey, let us go, you big galute!

(The pair hear someone slowly clapping and look over as a parka-clad Doofenshmirtz emerges from the shadows.)

Ohio: (With disdainful recognition) Doofenshmirtz.

Doofenshmirtz: Well, well, well. Ohio Flynn and Rhode Island Fletcher. What are you doing here? Ohio: That depends - why are you slow clapping?

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, I don't know, I thought it would make my entrance more dramatic. And it totally worked!

Ohio: (At Rhode Island) You know, he's right. It was more dramatic.

Doofenshmirtz: Now, hand over that amulet!

Ohio: No way! (Rhode Island holds the amulet away from Doofenshmirtz) We retrieved it, fair and square!

Doofenshmirtz: (Laughs) Tell it to the Abominable Snowman!

Ohio: Well, that's a weird expression...?

Doofenshmirtz: No, I mean tell him right now - LOOK!!

(Camera pans back to show a giant Abominable Snowman standing behind Norm. It roars, and squashes Norm accordion-style as Doofenshmirtz runs in terror. The squashed Norm drops the boys, and they run out of the cave)

Norm: (Wobbling around after the boys) I'll just run ahead!

(Ohio and Rhode Island rush out to the cave's mouth and hop on their toboggan, sledding down the hill. Back in the cave, the Snowman is still chasing Doofenshmirtz)

Doofenshmirtz: Maybe the "Giant Cannibal" thing was a mislead! I think the dining set was his! (He hops behind Norm onto their rocket-powered sled.) Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!! (The Snowman makes a huge snowball and tosses it down the mountain after them. It crashes into their sled and they roll down the hill with it.)

Doofenshmirtz: (Wincing) Oh, mama!

(Ohio and Rhode Island jump in their biplane at the mountain's base and take off, barely missing the sled-filled snowball. They sail off into the distance as the ball careens into a cliff face, revealing Doofenshmirtz and Norm)

Norm: (Starts slow clapping)

Doofenshmirtz: Way too soon for a callback, Norm.

(On the map, we see a dashed red line come in from the left, circle the Pacific Ocean, and end in Panama. In the jungle, a monkey swings on some vines. The camera follows him, settling on a building labeled "The Rusty Pickaxe Trading Post". Inside, Lawrence, dressed as a waiter, approaches the boys, who are seated at a table)

Lawrence: Hello, gents! What's your fancy?

Ohio: Well, fame, glory, money, and the preservation of semi-mystical historical treasures... but, we'll settle for hot fudge sundaes!

(Candace is shown walking up behind Ohio in a journalist's outfit)

Candace: They're here! Ee-ee-ee-ee... (runs to a nearby telephone booth in the saloon, and then dials a number)

Chief Linda: (On phone, voice-only) Daily Tableaux?

Candace: Chief! Who do you think just showed up in Panama?

(Chief Linda cross-cuts the screen, sitting in an office)

Chief Linda: If you're gonna try and sell me another fairy tale about Ohio Flynn and Rhode Island Flet--

Candace: There's a scoop here, and I can smell it! (A fly-ridden hick walks through the saloon doors, carrying a pig) Or they haven't invented deodorant soap yet, but there's still a scoop! Chief Linda: Fine. But I wanna see pictures!

Candace: I won't let ya down!

Ohio: (Back at their table, to Rhode Island) Someone around here is bound to know something about the lost Temple of Juatchadoon! (Isabella enters in a purple dress, holding a fan to obscure most of her face)

Isabella: (Said in the same manner as her catchphrase) Juatchadoon?

Ohio: (Without looking at her) Exactly. We don't even know if it really exists!

Isabella: (Sitting down at the table as the boys remove their hats) Oh, it exists all right! And I know where to find it!

(A man with spiders all over him is seen walking nonchalantly behind them)

Ohio: (Intrigued) Go on...

(Isabella lowers her fan and starts handing business cards to Ohio as she lists each one)

Isabella: Isabella Garcia-Shapiro. Femme fatale, ingenue, amateur archeologist, and licensed tile and grout installer. (A Tarzan-like figure in a loincloth swings from a vine behind them) A girl has to earn a living!

Ohio: Pleased to meet you! Do you know anything about...this? (Removes the amulet from around his neck)

Isabella: (Gasps) The Amulet of Juatchadoon! The legend says it can awaken an evil corn colossus with the power to destroy the world!

Ohio: Makes you wonder why ancient people were always making stuff like that...I mean, what's the upside? (A number of arrows fly behind them)

Isabella: My mother, New Hampshire Garcia-Shapiro, was searching for the Temple when she disappeared! I'm afraid something terrible has happened to her! You've just gotta help me! (Hands Ohio another card) I'm also a certified Damsel in Distress.

(Behind them, a man dressed in safari clothing tries to fight a snake)

Ohio: Well, we don't normally go searching other archaeologists slash adventurers, but I guess we can make an exception. Now if we only knew which way she went...

Isabella: (Pulls out a map) Would this map she sent me help?

Ohio: Yes, yes it would. We're gonna need transportation. (Puts away the map in his inner jacket pocket) (At Rhode Island) Rhode Island Fletcher, I know what we're gonna dig up today! (They all head out of the saloon)

Candace: (snaps a picture of the scene) Ee-ee-ee-ee...

(Perry is seen in pet mode at the front of the entrance of the saloon. He puts his fedora on and runs into the saloon. Inside, the saloon patrons are throwing ice cream in cones/bowls everywhere)

Lawrence: Gentlemen, please! There simply are no more maraschino cherries!!

(Perry runs up a flight of stairs and enters a room shielded by a purple curtain. Inside, a halogen lamp is turned on and he meets Major Monogram and Carl, whom are both wearing fezzes)

Major Monogram: There you are Agent P! Welcome to the meeting of the Secret Order of the Knights Without a Cool Acronym or SOKWCA. As you know, it is our duty to...Hey! You're not wearing your fez. (Pointing to a part of the room) Better go to the fez dispenser. (Perry takes off his fedora and gets a fez from a vending-machine like dispenser) As I was saying, Doofenshmirtz is dangerously close to laying his mits on the lost Idol of Juatchadoon. If he were to get hold of it, it would be blood-sucking-Chupacabra-brain-eating-zombie-ancient-Mayan-Gods-come-to-life-weird-voodoo-curses-with-goat-heads and what not bad. Now, get out there and stop him Agent P.

Carl: Why are we wearing a fez in the middle of Central America anyway?

Major Monogram: (In a shocked tone) You mean we're not in Egypt! I thought those pyramids were kind of stair steppy.

(On the map, we see a red line traverse from the left to the right of Central America. Ohio, Rhode Island, Isabella and Candace are dropped off at a riverside jetty in the middle of the rainforest by Baljeet and Buford, who transported them there in a tugboat)

Baljeet: Last stop! I'm afraid there is no way to get to the East Coast by boat unless you go all the way around South America.

Buford: Nothing but jungle from here on out.

Ohio: Care to come with us?

Baljeet: (Sarcastically) And spoil my carefully calculated air of selfishness and unconcern? Not until the last second thank you very much! (Baljeet and Buford sail away leaving the rest of the group behind)

Ohio: Wow, authentic riverboat gibberish. (Enthusiastically) This way gang!

(Candace takes a picture of Ohio, Rhode Island and Isabella before the camera transitions from the riverside to the middle of the jungle)

Isabella: (To Candace) Its sweet of you to help us find my mom Ms...?

Candace: Candace. And are you kidding? I've been trying to get a good scoop all summer long! Isabella: Well it's a lucky thing you accidentally hammered yourself into that crate marked temple expedition supplies then isn't it.

Candace: Boy, I'll say.

Ohio: We've found it! (He and Rhode Island look through the foliage at a looming step pyramid) It's the fabled Temple of Juatchadoon!

(The camera transitions to the group walking up a flight of steps leading to the temple's entrance. Frescos of corn adorn the temple's exterior. At the entrance, there is a sealed doorway stopping them from going further. To their right, there is a glass case enclosing a golden key)

Ohio: (He reads writing on the doorway) If you choose to go further you'll wish you weren't born. (Candace takes a picture) The road to destruction is paved with corn. Cheery! (He walks towards the glass case) There must be some trick to opening this case. A latch, or somewhere to twist it or...

Isabella: Or, we could hit it with a rock. (She hits the glass case with a stone and it shatters)

Ohio: Yeah, that works. (Ohio takes the key and unlocks the door, which promptly opens. Candace takes a picture and they progress on to the inside of the temple)

(Song: Don't Look Down)

♪ Adventure's quite a pleasure, ♪

♪ we're not in it for the treasure, ♪

♪ we'll amble at our leisure, ♪

♪ but don't look down! ♪

♪ Gotta keep on your toes, ♪

♪ and follow your nose, ♪

♪ you never know where the tunnel goes, ♪

♪ just don't look down! ♪

♪ Lots of snakes and spiders, ♪

♪ wish this tunnel was wider, ♪

♪ wish we had a guide here, ♪

♪ just don't look down! ♪

♪ Gotta keep on your toes, ♪

♪ and follow your nose, ♪

♪ you never know where the tunnel goes, ♪

♪ just don't look down! ♪

♪ Gotta keep on your toes (keep on your toes), ♪

♪ and follow your nose (follow your nose), ♪

♪ you never know where the tunnel goes, ♪

♪ just don't look down!♪

♪ When you're looking up (looking up), ♪

♪ You don't look down! ♪

(The group enters the inner chamber of the temple; a room ornately decorated with frescos of corn. They face a massive statue flanked by cauldrons of fire)

Ohio: This is it guys; the corn colossus of Juatchadoon! (Candace takes a picture just before she and the rest of the group get trapped in a cage)

Doofenshmirtz: Oh yeah! Oh yeah baby! (He is standing on a descending totem pole)

Ohio: (With disdainful recognition) Doofenshmirtz! Nice entrance.

Doofenshmirtz: Yeah, that whole subtle thing wasn't working out for me as you know. Now, hand over that amulet.

Ohio: YOU FIEND! You think we're just gonna give it to you!

Doofenshmirtz: Yes, yes I do. (He opens the cage door and lets Isabella out)

Isabella: (At Ohio and Rhode Island) Sorry boys. (At Doofenshmirtz) Here you go! (She gives him the amulet and her map)

Ohio: Isabella, you dirty double crosser!

Isabella: I forgot to give you this one. (She hands Ohio a card that reads "Isabella, Dirty Double Crosser". He looks up unamused.) Okay, I've kept up my end of the bargain. Now where's...

New Hampshire: (In a distressed tone) Isabella!

Isabella: Mom! (She rushes over to a trench in the ground, where she finds her mom)

New Hampshire: Oh mi hija, you came!

Isabella: Are you okay?

Doofenshmirtz: Oh, she's fine, but she could use a little company! (He pushes Isabella into the trench) Ha Ha. Now, if you don't mind I've got a little ceremony to conduct. Let's see, probably instructions on the back or you rub it or twist it... (The amulet activates and starts shooting out yellow lightning.) AAAHHH! AAAHHH! Okay, okay. Getting used to it, getting used to it. Yeah, I'm good! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha. (The yellow lightning hits the colossus and it awakens)

Candace: This is it! (She takes multiple pictures while Doofenshmirtz cackles in the background) Doofenshmirtz: Now, I have the power to bla, bla, bla, supernatural, bla, bla, et cetera, et cetera. But first I'm going to New York; we'd kill on Broadway! (There is a loud explosion on the background) What the...!

(Perry the Platypus enters with a dancing troupe)

(Song: Perry the Platypus)

Background scat: ♪ (Dooby dooby doo-bah) X4 ♪

Female Singers: ♪ Perry! ♪

Male Singer: ♪ He's a semi-aquatic, egg-laying mammal of action! ♪

Female Singers: ♪ In a fez! ♪

Male Singer: ♪ He's got more than just mad skill! ♪

♪ He's got a beaver tail and a bill! ♪

Female Singers: ♪ And a fez! ♪

Male Singer: ♪ He's Perry, Perry the Platypus! ♪

Major Monogram: But you can call him Agent P.

Male Singer: ♪ Perry! ♪

Major Monogram: I said you can call him Agent P!

Male Singer: ♪ A-Gent P! ♪

(While the song was playing, Perry helped Isabella, New Hampshire, Ohio, Rhode Island and Candace to escape)

Doofenshmirtz: (At Perry) Perry the Platypus, you totally one-upped my entrance. Doesn't matter, 'cos look what I got. (He points to the colossus and cackles as it approaches Perry and the dancing troupe)

Ohio: We've got to lead the Corn Colossus away from those backup singers!

Isabella: OMG! Coolest sentence ever! Somebody write that down! (Rhode Island writes it down while Ohio picks up an ear of corn)

Ohio: Hey Corny! What do you think of this! (He splits the corn into two, causing the colossus to roar in anger)

Candace: Enrage the all powerful Corn Colossus; good thinking! (In an attempt to escape, they run out of the room, just as the colossus smashes through the wall)

Doofenshmirtz: (At the colossus) Yeah, you go smash the kids, then we'll take over the world later. As long as I still have... (He is interrupted by Perry, who kicks him to the ground)

(The scene shifts to a rope bridge traversing a fiery pit)

Isabella: Quick, across this incredibly fragile rope bridge! (The group runs safely across, then stops at the other side. The colossus attempts to follow them, but the rope snaps under its weight)

Ohio: Get ready for some popcorn! (The colossus tumbles into the flames) Isabella: Wow, he was a lot easier to defeat than I thought he would be. (The colossus emerges from the flames, much to everyone's disdain) Great, now he's on fire! (The now flaming colossus continues to pursue the group)

Candace: (In a sarcastic tone) Yeah, this is much better! (They climb up a ladder at the end of a passageway)

Ohio: I thought he would pop! I mean, corn pops right? Was I totally out of line? (The ladder leads them to the outer facade of the temple) Down the stairs everybody! (The colossus breaks through the lower portion of the temple, blocking their path) Or... up the stairs!

Candace: (In a sarcastic tone) Gee, you think?

Isabella: (They approach the top of the temple. The corn colossus is still in hot pursuit of the group) Running out of steps here!

(The scene shifts to Perry doing battle with Doofenshmirtz in the temple's inner chamber. Doofenshmirtz jumps up holding a ear of corn in each hand)

Doofenshmirtz: Ah, ha! You just wait till I connect with one of these. Then you'll wish you'd never been corned! Get it, 'cos it rhymes with... Hey what's with the fez anyway, we're not even in Egypt! (Perry pulls the tassel on his fez and it flies upwards, revealing a fedora underneath. The flying fez has an automated claw, which seizes the amulet from Doofenshmirtz. With the amulet still in its grasp, the fez flies upwards and out of the temple) You're a real spoil sport you know that.

(The scene shifts back to the group and the enraged colossus. They have reached the top of the pyramid)

Candace: Okay, thoughts?

Ohio: (The flying fez and the amulet appear in front of Ohio) The amulet!

New Hampshire: Ooh, we can use the amulet to control the Corn Colossus!

Isabella: We have to figure out how to activate it!

Ohio: Or we could hit it with a rock. (He hits the amulet and it shatters. A yellow beam of light shoots out of the center of the temple and the colossus turns into popcorn) Oh now he pops! How does that make any sense?

(The scene shifts back to Doofenshmirtz and Perry)

Doofenshmirtz: (The temple starts to collapse) (In a sarcastic tone) Oh, terrific. The temple is falling apart! Are you happy? Probably my face will melt now, and for what?

(The scene shifts to the temple splitting in half. A map shows the split dividing Central America into two; indirectly creating the Panama Canal. The temple collapses, and the group fall into a body of water below. The camera shows Phineas swimming up to the surface)

Buford: That's the last one. (He pulls Phineas out of the water and onto his tugboat, where the rest of the group is standing)

New Hampshire: That was very smooth of you rescuing us at the last moment.

Baljeet: That is just how I'm playing it, babe.

Ohio: Well we found the amulet, defeated the corn monster, apparently created a much needed canal across Panama, and saved the world!

Candace: And I've got the proof (She pops open the back lid of the her camera expectantly, but water gushes out and, much to her annoyance, she finds wet film and a fish) Ugh.

Isabella: Sorry about the betr- (gets his by Candace's camera) OW! What was that for?

Candace: I should have done this since the moment I met you, traitor!

Ohio: (To Isabella) You thought I would forgive you after that betrayal? Of course not! (To Candace) Candace, throw her off the boat!

(Candace beats up Isabella without mercy, grabs her & throws her off the boat into the river. Isabella can't swim very well & ends up drowning.)

New Hampshire: O dios mio, Candace! What did you do that for?! What have you done?! She was my daughter!

Candace: I'm really, really sorry, New Hampshire. I know, she was your daughter, but she ended up betraying us. Betrayals should not be forgiven.

New Hampshire: It's OK, Candace, I understand.

Ohio: Does anyone else find it weird that we were saved by an anthropomorphic platypus?

Rhode Island: The world holds many mysteries, but what seems strange to one maybe commonplace to another. The fez was weird though, I mean we're not in Egypt.

(The tugboat sails off into the distance. The words "Madi Rose" are emblazoned on its stern)