The Irving Zone (Script)



Narrator: Hello, and Welcome to a world. A different world. A…Metaphorical world. Yea..Oh, speech time!

Narrator: You unlock this fanboy's innermost thoughts and fears with a key Of course, it's not an actual key. The key is just a metaphor for something that makes the fanboy........ be a fanboy, I guess. Anyways, the key in this situation is two step-brothers who try to make each and every day a day to remember.

Narrator: This fanboy's mind qualifies as an alternate dimension. Not the alternate dimension that the two step-brothers traveled to. Not even the one that the fanboy and his brother traveled to. No, this is a special dimension. It is a dimension of geekery and hatred; of life and death; of rainbow-maned pegasuses…or pegasi..pegapeople?, Whatever. Oh, and fourth-wall breaking pink earth ponies, but.......... uh, that's beside the point.

Narrator: Importantly, this is a dimension of things and ideas. It's a place lacking in not only sight sound, but mind. Especially mind. Some may say you just crossed over the boundaries of sanity. But, no, not. I. (No, I say, you just crossed over into The Irving Zone.

And…SONG

(Narrator sings Welcome to The Irving Zone )

Narrator: Submitted for Your approval, so you better like it. I mean, I did work hard on this. So it'd be nice if you appreciated something I did for once, you jerk! Uh…anyway, on to the story. A sweet little girl…;or so she seemed. For, this wasn't a normal girl. This girl has special powers. Evil powers. And that girl…was Suzy Johnson. Shocking, I know. But little did she know, she was about to meet her match..

SEGMENT ONE: In the line of Suzy

It was a fairly normal day at the Johnson household. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and Suzy had turned mr Johnson into a football.

Wait, what?

Mrs. Johnson: Suzy, isn't this a little-

Suzy: A little WHAT?

Mrs. Johnson: ..Nothing.

Jeremy: Isn't this silly?

Suzy: Well…maybe it a little crazy.

Jeremy: Don't you think daddy is better as a human?

Suzy: Eh…sure.

Suzy then turned her father back into a human.

Mr. Johnson: Thank you, sweetie. You're a…nice little girl.

Suzy: Yes. Yes I am

Jeremy: And nothing will ever change you…

//

Irving was at his house, staring at a big screen on the wall which showed the last bit with suzy. Every citizen had one of these, so they can see suzy all the time. Though at this point, they were on break from watching. However, Irving used his smarts to get the screen to work all the time. Don't ask.

Irving: Ugh, that suzy. She thinks she's so scary with her magic powers. Albert: She is scary dude. I mean, she even gives Buford the willies!

Irving: He also wants to float around like a woodland pixie.

Buford (Off Screen): OH COME ON!

Albert: Suzy is a scary little devil spawn, irving.

Irving: She's not scary. She's just an annoying little girl, who won't leave us alone!

Albert: Well, the fact of the matter is, she will always be here to use her evil magic on people, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Irving: Yea…just imagine having all that power. You could do anything!

Albert: Too bad she's keeping all that power to herself. If only she had someone to share her evil with…but that's never going to happen.

Irving: Hmmm…that's it!

Albert: Oh no, did I accidentally say something that gave you an idea again?

Irving:  Actually, I was thinking while you were blabbing about power. So unless you were talking about the idea of me gaining suzy's respect so we can share the power..

Albert: Actually…I sort of was.

Irving: Really? Wow, great minds think alike

Albert: You have a great mind? Wait…YOU HAVE A MIND?!

Irving: Oh shut up. If you excuse me, I have a little girl to gain the respect of

Albert: Wait! …be careful. I like to see painful things happen to you…but only if I am the cause it. So please, don't get hurt.

Irving: …Are we sharing a tender moment?

Albert: …No. No we're not.

Irving: ..Okie dokie lokie // Back at the Johnson house, Suzy was playing with her trains…which her now the size of real trains. Oh, and the parents were tied to railroad tracks.

. Mr. Johnson: Isn't this a little dangerous?

Suzy: The trains aren't on you know. I'm not THAT evil.

Jeremy: How…sweet.

Just then, the door slammed open, revealing Irving standing triumphantly.

Irving: Greetings, Johnson Family!

Mrs. Johnson: NO! RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

Suzy: Okay, who is this interrupting my playtime?!

Irving: You might be wondering why I am brave enough as to barge in on Suzy Johnson without fear of being sent to the moon or something.

Suzy: Actually, I was just wondering why you were so rude, barging in like that instead of knocking.,

Irving: Oh, Sorry about that. ..Wait, aren't you gonna get all angry and like kill me or something?

Suzy: Come with to the kitchen so we can discuss the matter

Irving: Aren't you a little young to be talking like this?

Suzy: I have magic powers. I'm beyond normal.

Irving: …good point.

The two went into the kitchen to talk.

Suzy: Okay, let me explain something to you: I'm not all that evil.

Irving: But…you were doing some seriously messed up stuff back there!

Suzy: I was just having random fun. Besides, everyone thinks I'm evil, even my own brother. So I might as well let them think so, or they may not respect me all that much.

Irving: I see what's going on here. You wa-

Suzy: Please don't continue. I don't care what you think my problem is. I just want you to leave peacefully.

Irving: Wait, don't you think it'd be nice if you had someone to share your magic with? Someone who could help improve your lonely lifestyle in ten seconds flat?

Suzy: Hmmm, that sounds temp-NO! I do not want to share.

Irving: Come on, please?

Suzy: If you get something cool, I might

Irving: Like what?

Suzy: That's for me to know, and for you to find out.

Irving: That doesn't seem very fair.

Suzy: You have 10 seconds to get out before I torture you.

Irving: …I'll be out in 5!

Irving then ran so fast that the road runner looked like a snail.

Suzy: Silly boy. //

Narrator: The fanboy had ran home. He had no idea what he was getting himself into. For most of the time there was daylight outside, he was thinking. Well, sometimes he was. He actually played video games until he remembered he had to think. Eventually, that night he-wait, why am I still narrating? I should only be at the start and end of these segments!

Director:  Just do it!

Narrator: Fine. That night, Irving had figured it out. But little did he know, that…was the easy part. Getting the object in question? It would be a nightmare. Irving was in the Danville Cemetery, at around 10 pm at night. The moon was already high in the sky, and several scary noises filled the air..

Irving: Geez, wolf howls, lightning with no rain, and wind? Could this place be any more stock?

Then…something tapped Irving on the shoulder!

Irving: CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

Candace: It's me, Candace!

Irving: WHICH ALSO STARTS WITH A C!

Candace: ..I hate you.

Irving: Why are you here?

Candace: I come here every night to hide from Suzy.

Irving: I'm here to find something Suzy will like so she will let me team up with her so we can share the powers, and thus I will be able to be happy in a world where little girls have magic powers.

Candace: I didn't ask for your story, but whatever.

Irving: Wait…do you want to help?

Candace: Let's see, if this fails, we might end up horrible scarred for life at the hands of my boyfriend's little sister...sure.

Irving: Okay, let's see if we can find what I'm looking for..

Candace: Watcha looking for?

Irving: Actually…I don't know. I was hoping something decent would be in this graveyard that Suzy would like

Candace: Well, it's better than hiding at any rate

Irving: Okay, let's go check near the back of this place where it's really dark.

Candace: …Sounds like a good idea to me!

The two walked over the other side of the graveyard. Suddenly, everything became darker. So dark, that now, the only things visible were the eyes of Candace and Irving.

Candace: AHHH! Where'd the light go?!

Irving: AH, WHY DO I SEE FLOATING EYEBALLS?!

Candace: My eyes aren't floating, twerp. It's just do dark all we can see are someone's eyes!

Irving: Oh yea, that old gag

Candace: Oh, hey look, if I jump up and down it looks like my eyes are jumping!

Irving: You have pretty eyes…

Candace: Shut up if you like seeing with yours

Irving: Ohhh, Feisty!

???: Quiet down!

Candace And Irving: CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

???: Why do people always yell that?

Candace: who are you?

???: Hold on, let me turn on this flash light.

The mystery person turned on a flashlight, which now made it so everyone could see their faces/ The figure revels herself to be…an old lady,

Irving: A Creepy old lady in a graveyard…should I be scared?

Lady: No, I'm a kind old lady. I am Clarissa the crystal woman. But you can just call me Clarissa. And if you make a "Can you explain it all joke", your dead. .

Candace: Okay…so do you live here?

Clarissa: Yes, I like to live among the dead. Plus, that's where my magic is strongest.

Irving: …Magic?

Clarissa: Yes, you see I'm a magical person. I also sometimes give magic powers to those who might need it.

Candace: Heh, funny, I know this little girl who has magic power-HEY! Wait a minute…does that mean-

Clarissa: I did give powers to a little girl once. It was a few years ago. She seemed nice.

Irving: NICE?! That girl is using her powers for evil!

Clarissa: Oh dear, this kind of thing happens a lot. I give magic to some nice person, and it makes them evil. This is bad,.

Irving: Okay, how do we fix this?

Clarissa: Well, normally the way to fix this, is fight fire with fire. And by fire I mean Suzy. And by fire I also mean magic.

Doofenshmirtz (Off Screen): JOKE STEALER!

Candace: So what you're saying, is we should get magic powers, and use it to fight suzy? Clarissa: Yes, and I will be glad to hand a slice of power to both of you. Just enough to put suzy in her place.

Irving: Great! But one question: Are you just some magic weirdo who hands out magic to anybody who asks?

Clarissa: Pretty much. Irving: Okay then. So Candace, you join me at Suzy's house tomorrow morning so we can do our plan.

Candace: Okay. This is going to be great! // The next morning, Danville was as happy and cheerful as always. Despite the fact that a little girl was still at large. Suzy wasn't torturing her family on this particular day. Well…not as much as usual.

Mrs. Johnson: Is there any reason you put us in these plastic cases they put toys in?

Suzy: Not really. Just seemed like a fun idea.

Mr. Johnson: Having a 2nd kid was your idea.

Just then, the door slammed open, and Irving and Candace ran in.

Irving: Stop right there!

Suzy: Ohai Irving. I see you brought my favorite play thing!

Candace: I won't be your plaything anymore! No one else will!

Suzy: Oh, really?

Irving: Yes! You see, we just happened to stumble upon…Clarissa!

Suzy: You WHAT?!

Jeremy: Who?

Candace: Clarissa is the woman who gave Suzy her powers in the first place

Irving: And we spoke with her and we got a little something…

Candace: A little something called…MAGIC POWERS!

To test out these powers, Candace teleported right next to Jeremy.

Candace: LOOK I'M TOUCHING YOUR BROTHER!

Candace lightly touched Jeremy on the shoulder, then teleported back to Irving.

Suzy: Well…it seems like you have gained an advantage Candace: Yes. Yes we ha-wait your going to blast or something, aren't you?]

Suzy: E-yup!

Suzy then fired a blast of energy from her hands…aimed squarely at Candace.

Jeremy: NOOOOOOO!

Jeremy then ran and jumped right in front on the blast, preventing it from reaching Candace. It hit Jeremy, sending him to the ground.

Mrs. Johnson: JEREMY!

Mr. Johnson: Suzy, what have you done?!

Suzy: I…I didn't mean to!

Candace: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Irving: Are you done yet?

Candace: Almost. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Okay, I'm done. Mrs. Johnson: Well young lady, now do you see what this has brought you?

Suzy: I…just wanted some respect. But people only respected me when I was acting evil, so that's what I was. I especially wanted Jeremy to still like me. I thought that with these powers, I could keep him by my side forever. Oh, and if you mention the creepy implications of that, you are dead.

Mrs. Johnson: And now he's…well not alive. Kind of...ironic.

Irving: Okay Suzy, do you regret doing all this?

Suzy: Yes…

Irving: Then how about you put those powers in this magic box Clarissa gave me?

Suzy: Fine.

Suzy then transferred her powers into the box irving was now holding.

Candace: There we go! Okay Jeremy, you can get up now!

Jeremy stood up, alive and well.

Suzy and Jeremy's parents: WHAT?!

Jeremy: Yea, you see I really wanted suzy to be a normal little girl again. So before suzy woke up, I made a plan with Irving and Candace. I was just going to reason with her, but then she fired at Candace and I had to protect her. Thankfully the blast didn't hurt, but I pretended to be dead so Suzy will learn her lesson and be…my favorite girl BESDIES CANDACE SO DON'T INTRUPPET, OKAY?~

Suzy: Guys…I'm sorry about this. In retrospect it seems a little silly. Do you forgive me?

Irving: Sure.

Candace: Eh, okay.

Jeremy: Of course!

Irving: Funny how a silly little story ended on a such on a heartwarming note,.

Candace: So what did you do the box?

Irving: Oh, I threw it out the window while Jeremy was talking. Don't worry, I don't think anyone will find it.

//// The box was now sitting in the hands of a new owner, who was looking at it…

Albert: Oh, what's in this shiny box?

Narrator: And so the moral of the story is: Never underestimate a possible gary stu. Also, little girls are scary, So anyway, I guess this story was a metaphor for how people just do what everyone else does so they don't stick out, or something. I never really looked into it. So ya…things are just a little weirder in…the irving zone. END OF PART 1