Vanessa is on Fire/Five Danvillians Love Your Little Things

Carl reviews the songs "Girl on Fire" and "Little Things" for Carl's Pop Song Reviews. He doesn't like "Girl on Fire" that much, and thinks "Little Things" has so many things wrong with it.

Memorable Quotes in "Vanessa is on Fire"
Carl: Hey, uh, (looks around the set) new place. Major Monogram kicked me out. Again. I don't know why that keeps happening...

(screen shows Carl bashing a bad song while Major Monogram is giving news to Perry)

Carl: Oh my god, this song sucks so much! I can't even...

Monogram: SHUT UP!

Carl: (in an annoyed way)  I'm working. Do you want me to pay for the equipment that I destroyed back when I was evil?

Monogram: You haven't paid for anything for the past two years!

(back to the show)

Carl: So, I got a new place, and a new piano. Yeah, Major Monogram sold the old one to pay for the equipment.

Carl: (referring to Vanessa) There are a lot of flaws to Vanessa's career, the first one being that, well, she's not a very good lyricist. Look, she's a really good singer, a great artist. She makes music that sounds good. But her lyrics are kind of lacking in quality.

Vanessa: Sometimes I love you, sometimes you make me blue...

Carl: (sarcastically) Love makes you happy. Love makes you sad. Yeah, she has a few corny songs with some derp lyrics.

Carl: But you can overlook those. No, the big problem here is that all of her music sounds the same. She's never really stretched herself. Piano, power chords, Vanessa screaming "whoa-oh-oh" a couple times, you know the drill. The only song that took her out of her comfort zone is the ragged, minimalist, "No One".

Vanessa: (begins singing "No One")

Carl: (in a monotone voice) Bash-thud-thud-thud, bash-thud-thud-thud, bash-thud-thud-thud, bash-thud-bash-bash, HONK, HONK.

Carl: "Girl on Fire" is the worst Vanessa song she's ever had, probably the first song of hers that I've actively disliked. I should explain why this song is bad. Let's take a look at the opening line.

(screen shows Vanessa presenting the title of the song in a 1940's-esque style. Suddenly, Isabella pops up and begins rapping)

Carl: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, uh, this is not the version I'm familiar with...(looks at his notes)...I didn't take any notes on this part...

Albert: (angrily) Yeah, they just jammed a random appearance by another artist at the last second. You can tell how fast they wanted to rush this out.

Carl: ...............

Albert: That green-screen background is the only thing you see in her part of the video. In that case, they should just show us the green-screen.

Carl: Okay, dude, you got to stop doing this. This is, like, the third episode you've randomly showed up in.

Albert: (sarcastically) I'm sorry for bailing your sorry self from this floundering review. Let's keep listening.

Isabella: (rapping) Spirit of Marilyn calling me, audibly, bawling, she said that she would never leave, continued to torture me...

Albert: Okay, this is a callback to Izzy's song "Marilyn Monroe" on her last album. Considering that Izzy is complaining about being tortured, I can only assume that Ms. Monroe probably didn't like the song that much.

Isabella: Telling me to come with her, underneath my comforter...

Albert: Wait, the ghost of Marilyn Monroe wants you to come with her underneath your sheets......(suggestively) Nice.

Isabella: And she brought a gun with her...

Albert: ...Oh.

Isabella: Pills and some rum with her...

Albert: Ohhh...

Isabella: Took me on the balcony, telling me to jump with her...

Albert: She really didn't like that song, didn't she?

Isabella: 'Cause I win the gold like Gabby...

Vanessa: (singing) She's just a girl and she's on fire...

Albert: That's it? Wow, that was a clumsy transition.

Carl: Yeah, the song just stopped, and there's no transition at all. It just cuts off, and then Vanessa starts singing. My music player transitions two random songs more smoothly.

Carl: But anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted...

Albert: (looks annoyed)

Carl: ...we were actually talking about a Vanessa song.

Vanessa: She's just a girl and she's on fire, hotter than a fantasy, burning like a highway, she's living in a world and it's on fire, filled with catastrophe...

Carl: Mm-hmm. So she's on fire, and that's good, but the world is also on fire, and that's bad.

Vanessa: Filled with catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away...

Carl: So she's on fire, but she's flying away from fire...Was she the one that set the fire? Was she fleeing the scene of the crime?

Vanessa: She's got both feet on the ground, and she's burning it down...

Carl: She's burning what down? The ground or her feet?

Vanessa: This girl is on fire, this girl is on fire...

Carl: Yeah, you already said that, no need to repeat yourself.

Vanessa: This girl is on fire...

Carl: Mm-hmm, still on fire. You know, you can expand on those thoughts a little. How this girl is on fire? Why this girl is on fire? No? Okay.

Carl: At this point, they should just rename the song "Girl Doing Stuff". (begins singing) This girl is doing things, this girl is doing stuff.

Carl: Okay, she's on fire, the world is on fire...

Vanessa: Looks like a girl, but she's a flame...

Carl: She IS fire. She's a flame on fire. She's a fire on fire.

Vanessa: But they can see the flame that's in her eyes...

Carl: Her eyes are on fire.

Vanessa: This girl is on fire...

Carl: (sarcastically) Everything is on fire. Man on fire! Light my fire! Fire, fire, fire! Fire down below! I am the godearth, and I bring you....

Buford: Fire, fire, fire!

Carl: I'd give her points for not rhyming "fire" with "desire", but I'm not sure that the girl she's singing about even HAS desires.

Vanessa: We've got both feet on the ground, and we're burning it down...

Carl: Oh, so it's "we" now. Vanessa Doofenshmirtz is on fire, too. All girls in the world are on fire. By "we", do you mean all of "female-dom"? Seriously, you couldn't find a place to take this "girl on fire" metaphor, so you just added more girls on fire. I haven't been able to see many girls on fire since.....uh.....hold on....is anyone else seeing this?

(screen shows Vanessa in the music video snapping her fingers, and a mess of toys on the floor is magically going into a basket by itself)

Carl:....What the (bleep) was that? (begins singing) Well, the girl who's on fire helps the medicine go down, the medicine go down...

(screen shows Charlene, Vanessa, and a little girl who looks like Vanessa chopping vegetables together)

Carl: Wow, this video is...kinda bad. I know the song doesn't tell us much, but the vibe of this song is "single girl in the big city", not "stressed out mom". Not to offend moms and housewives, but chopping vegetables is NOT being on "fire". Vanessa should be out on the street, skipping and throwing her beret in the air, not this. What little we know about this girl is that she's aloof and untouched by the world. "Flying away from catastrophe"?

Vanessa: Filled with catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away...

Carl: What "catastrophe" is she flying away from? Her kids? Maybe she should try putting them out.

Carl: Even Vanessa at her most beltiest is too restrained and too classy to pull off this "fire" metaphor. This isn't firey, it's watery and weak.

Vanessa: Nobody knows that she's a lonely girl, and it's a lonely world...

Carl: God, this is lame. "Lonely girl in a lonely world". Of all the hackneyed....Let me guess, did she take the midnight train...

Phineas: (singing) Going anywhere...

Carl: PFT is the only band, by the way, that has the guts to sell cheese like "lonely girl in a lonely world". Vanessa is too classy and dignified to make music this bad. Why not replace every single word with fire? Girl, girl, girl, fire, fire fire, girl, fire, girl, fire, flames, matches, burning bridges. This song is an uncreative pile of...

Albert: And then the guest rapper comes back in, ruining the momentum of the video!

Isabella: (rapping) Dear God, if you're hear God, make the fire disappear when they stare, God...

Albert:....Wait, I'm confused. How is this fire metaphor supposed to work again? I thought the fire was supposed to represent your strength as a woman or something. Do you want to fire to go away when people look at you?

Isabella: Make the fire disappear when they stare God, take away my fear when they interfere, God...

Albert: Well, it's good that she's showing a vulnerability that you rarely see in rap songs.

Isabella: Do you fear God? 'Cause I feel God, and in my backyard, that's a deer God, and that's a horse ranch,

Albert:....Uh, are you bragging to God about owning a deer and a horse ranch in your backyard? That's a little much for a prayer, Izzy, even for something that wasn't that impressive to begin with. What do you think God's saying to that?

Isabella: And in my backyard, that's a deer God, and that's a horse ranch...

Albert: (in a godly voice) Thank you, Izzy GS, but I know what a deer is. I kinda made them. In North America, they're pretty common. Wait, why am I even listening to this? You haven't even bothered to get a good green-screen effect!

Carl:...........Are you done?

Albert: Yes, yes I am.

Carl: None of Izzy's verses have anything to do with the song. Well, I don't even know what the song is about either, since there are about seven words in it. What was all that (bleep) about God? This song isn't about God, it's about a girl on fire. A girl hiding in the clouds, distant from the world, and is so amazing you can't even look at......Holy (bleep), this song IS about God.....It IS! Vanessa is singing about a goddess burning down the world with her merciful wrath. At least, I hope that's what the song is about, because otherwise, this song is a tired pile of cliches.

Carl: I take that back, it's full of ONE cliche! It uses a "you go, girl" sentiment that's too weak to actually mean anything, and it's a little condescending in that matter. No one's going to write a song called "Boy on Fire", which congratulates guys for doing whatever. She didn't even come up with the term "Girl on Fire"! I'm sure it's coincidence that the name of her song is the exact nickname of Katniss from the Hunger Games. (a picture of Katniss pops up) If she'd written this song ten years ago, it would have been called "Boy Who Lived". (a picture of a Harry Potter book pops up)

Vanessa: This girl is on fire...

Carl: (sarcastically) How is she on fire? Maybe this girl is an assassin, making it and working hard in the contract killing industry. She's trying to make it in a lonely world, because she killed all the other people in the world. It can be about anything you want! Maybe she's a senator or maybe she's a nun. Maybe she's a goth girl living with her crazy dad, or maybe she's a pink bow-wearing girl from across the street. Maybe she's a recording artist chasing another hit long after her creative energy has run out, or maybe she's a girl who tries to get her brothers in trouble all the time. Maybe she's borderline copyright infringement. (a picture of Katniss pops up) Whatever. This boy is bored. I'm Carl the Intern, and I'm out. (walks away)

(episode ends)

Memorable Quotes in "Five Danvillians Love Your Little Things"
TBA

Trivia

 * The creator likes both songs (even the One Direction one)
 * At first, people thought "Girl on Fire" was about Katniss. It's actually about Gabby Douglass, the gymnast from the Olympics.
 * It wouldn't make sense for Isabella to sing about God because she's Jewish, but the creator isn't that big of a religious person, so...yeah....