Doofenshmirtz on Teenagers

I imagined this as a radio broadcast. For the most fun experience, read aloud in his voice. I plan to draw a picture soon. -Anna Latimer

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz on the subject of teenagers:

The problem with teenagers is that they never talk to their parents. My daughter Vanessa will not even look at me when she talks. I made an Eye-Contact-Inator Ray but then it… misfired… and it was like awkward. And even then all Vanessa said was, “You’re staring at me… it’s weird. Give me three guesses. Perry. The.” And I [lied], “Why no. No it wasn’t.” So she rolled her eyes and I was back to the drawing board.

So I built a giant ray to wreak my revenge on teenagers! No wait… I’m so used to saying “I built a ray” that it just slipped out. Actually I did not build a giant ray to wreak my revenge on teenagers!

Instead I glued a bunch of the monsters to lawn chairs on my roof and was going to make them ask questions and see how annoying it is not to be answered! …But I accidentally had kidnapped a bunch of blonde girls and couldn’t shut them up. I was almost happy when Perry the Platypus… But anyway. I figured blonde girls were the exception.

So another problem with teenagers is their mumbling! If an adult doesn’t listen up he might miss both words the teenager says! I could have built a Speak-Up-Inator Ray, but what’s the fun in that acronym? SUIR? What does that even mean? So instead I invented the E.T.W.P.S.I.R.…T.W.M.R.O.N.-B.T.! (Evil-Twelve-Word-Per-Sentence-Inator Ray… To Wreak My Revenge On Non-Blonde Teenagers!) As you probably gathered from the name, the E.T.W.P.S.I.R. (et cetera) makes the teenager on whom it is fired use twelve words in each sentence.

I tested it out on Vanessa, but all that came out was a long string of what she says anyway: “How’s it going, whatever, so busted, heck no, duh, puh-lease.”

And I was like, “That was only ten words!” (What, does she have a ten-word vocabulary or something?!)

And she rolled her eyes twice. Yeah, Perry the Platypus was smiling too, right before I crushed him! No, I didn’t actually beat him… To be quite honest, he destroyed my E.T.W.P.S.I.R.…T.W.M.R.O.N.-B.T.!… and got away… again… yeah. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

This has been Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz on the subject of teenagers.