Suzy and Jenny's Scheme/Suzy's Relationship Problems

These are two episodes in Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews the songs "Telephone" and "Alejandro". The music videos have NOTHING to do with the song.

Memorable Quotes in "Suzy and Jenny's Scheme"
Carl: We did eventually get a Britney Spears level singer who was actually willing that she was musically talented. Her name was Suzy. (pause) I have mixed feelings about this.

Carl: Telephone. An okay song, and a career worst video for Miss Suzy. Not since late period Michael Jackson have I seen such bloated catastrophy.

Carl: We begin the video with Suzy being thrown into women's prison, presumably for killing her boyfriend in "Paparazzi" (shows Suzy killing Phineas) Or for combusting that guy in "Bad Romance". (shows Suzy lying down on a bed in her underwear with a skeleton) Or for writing the line, "Got my (bleep) squeezed by sexy Cupid" in "Love Game"

Suzy: It's complicated, asterick, got my (bleep) squeezed by sexy Cupid.

Carl: Because Suzy is going to take her sweet time, we have three minutes of meaningless setup before we get to any actual music. So, meanwhile, we're going to see Suzy getting thrown into jail, getting stripped naked, making out with another girl, and boy, oh, boy, I can tell you how not turned on I am by any of this. It's also this bizarre mix of attractiveness and non-attractiveness, which proves the tedious, unfunny, and completely justified rumors that Suzy is somehow secretly a man. But Suzy deals with these rumors by using this music video.

A Policeman at the Jail: (to another policeman) I told you she didn't have a (bleep).

Suzy: Hello, hello, baby you called, I can't hear a thing...

Carl: The lyrical content deals with Suzy trying to dance at a club, but she keeps being interrupted because this guy keeps calling her. (sarcastically) Oh, no, this guy keeps calling me. What can I do to end this insanity? (turns his cell phone off and snaps it shut) Turn the phone off. It's that easy.

Suzy: Just a second, it's my favorite song they gonna play, and I cannot text you with a drink in my hand, eh.

Carl: Then put the drink down. Is this REALLY worth writing a song about? Whenever I listen to this song, I keep thinking of something along the lines of... (sings while he plays the piano) Squirrels in my pants, squirrels in my pants, what can I do about the squirrels in my pants? There are squirrels, squirrels, squirrels in my pants, pants, pants, what can I do about the squirrels in my pants? There are squirrels in my...(screaming) TAKE THE SQUIRRELS OUT OF YOUR PANTS, YOU IDIOT! Stop singing, take the squirrels out of your pants!

Carl: I feel like there's something about this song that I also disliked. Something...something...something...(sighs, then remembers) Oh, yeah.

Jenny: (sings the Beyonce part in the song)

Carl: They only gave Jenny a eight line verse in the song, and that's all she needs to take whatever charisma this song had and slam it into the wall. The beat turns into a big, gallumping elephant, and Jenny beats the (bleep) out of it until it's unrecognizable.

Jenny: (in the music video) You've been a bad girl. A very, very, very bad, bad girl, Suzy!

Carl: You've been a bad, bad actress, Jenny!

Carl: So, they get along to their destination, which is yet more MURDER!

Jenny: (sits down at a diner booth where Albert is) Hi, honey.

Albert: Where've you been, (bleep)!? (stands up and starts harassing random people) What the (bleep) is your problem!?

Jenny: (pours poison into Albert's cup of coffee)

Carl: Based on that dialogue, I know why Jenny's gonna kill this guy. We're to assume that he's one of the lying, cheating, backstabbing, stealing jerks that Jenny continues to date in her music videos.

Carl: I seriously hope that Lady Suzy does not inspire any other singers to make any weird creepy videos of themselves.

Irving: (in a video wearing a vampire/werewolf/Phineas costume) Yo! Fanboy in the house! Yo, yo! Fanboy in the house!

Isabella: (in a video wearing a pink wig, black clothes, and black lipstick, singing angrily) You know these (bleep) gonna try to be my bestie!

Candace: (wearing a VERY weird outfit) You know, I'm kinda feeling out of control...

Carl: We are doomed...

(episode ends)

Memorable Quotes in "Suzy's Relationship Problems"
None until the creator watches the video again.

Trivia

 * The Irving rap thing was something the creator made up
 * Coltrane was supposed to be the "lying, backstabbing" guy that Jenny was killing, but the creator changed it to Albert because she wanted him to die.
 * The "Squirrels In My Pants" song DOES not sound like the one in the canon show.