Baloney and Kids!



“BALONEY AND KIDS”

A Phinemaniacs Cartoon!

(insert Phinemaniacs theme)

KID ANNOUNCER

“Baloney and Kids was brought to you by this station and other stations that lack clever programming!”

CHILDREN (singing off key)

“Baloney is our friendly friend that we made up ourselves! He likes to play and sing all day that we made up ourselves!”

FADE TO NEXT SCENE

We open up on a preschool setting. It’s ‘cute’ enough to make anyone sick. A stuffed orange, long-snouted dinosaur plush toy sits on a stool. Two small children open the door; a boy and a girl.

BOY

“Boy! There’s nothing better to do than to stay after school and stay at school and play!”

GIRL

“I love school so much, I wish I could marry it!”

Boy looks at camera with a “what the heck” look on his face.

BOY

“Hey! We can pretend!”

The orange stuffed toy dinosaur sitting on the stool is circled in magic that allows him to “come alive”. Before the two kids stands BALONEY THE DINOSAUR. With his arms outstretched, and a huge open-mouthed grin on his snout, he’s a nightmare come true.

BALONEY

“Did someone say ‘pretend’? Huh huh huh huh ha!”

BOY AND GIRL (happily)

“BALONEY!!!”

They both run up and hug Baloney.

BOY

“We brought some new friends to play!”

BALONEY

“Oh goodie! Goodie! Huh huh ha ha!”

BOY

“Come on in! It’s Phineas, Ferb, and Candace!”

Phineas, Ferb, and Candace are pushed in by a pair of oversized hands. They glare back at the door and start to act innocent as a spotlight shines on them.

BALONEY

“Huh huh huh ha! I’m so glad you’re here! There’s nothing like new friendly friends to make me feel are warm and yum yum doodle dum inside!”

Phineas, Ferb, and Candace bug their eyes and try to run. They’re scooped up by Baloney and are enveloped in a painful hug by him.

BALONEY

“Huh huh huh ha!”

Baloney starts dancing around stupidly while the boy and girl clap for him. The Flynn-Fletchers just stare gasping for breath. As soon as they recover, they all look at each other with “what the froo” looks on their faces. Baloney comes out of no where and squishes them all together next to his scary face.

BALONEY

“All set for some gosh n’ gollyicious fun and game-a-looles? HA HA HA HA!”

They Flynn-Fletchers open their mouths in shock.

BALONEY

“Are ya?”

PHINEAS

“Ehhhhhhhhh…. I don’t think so. Gotta run! We’ll just catch a cab. Thanks.”

Baloney puts on a driver’s cap and walks in place; pretending to drive a cab.

BALONEY

“Neat-o complete-o yippee! Let’s all get a pretend cab! Huh huh huh huh! Va-room! Va-room!”

The little boy looks at his watch with disappointment.

BOY

“Gee I’d like to, Baloney. But I’ve gotta do my homework before I help my mom make dinner.”

GIRL

“And I’ve gotta iron my bed.”

BOTH

“YAY!”

They both run away (perhaps relieved?) while the Flynn-Fletchers stare in awe at how easily these two kids were able to escape Baloney.

PHINEAS

“Wa-ha-hait! TAKE US!”

The kids run out the door while Baloney waves his hat at them like a hanky.

BALONEY

“Bye bye kids! Have funny fun yum yum fun fun yum fun!”

The Flynn-Fletchers stare out the door with sad looks on their faces as it slams loudly.

BALONEY

“Looks like it’s just us! HA HA HA HA!”

CANDACE

“Imagine our delight.”

Baloney’s face lights up and he puts his index finger up in delight.

BALONEY

“Imagine?! Why I’d love to imagine! But I need a lil help from the prince and princesses of props!”

The prince and princesses of props walk out with a chalkboard and a box. Phineas and Ferb look dreamily at the princesses.

FLYNN-FLETCHER BROS.

“Helloooooooooooo princesses of props nurses!”

The princes and princesses walk away. One looks at the boys in, perhaps, admiration.

BALONEY

“Now wanna sing the ‘Imagine Song’?”

Phineas walks up to Baloney.

PHINEAS

“Uh, not really. Is that cute girl coming back?”

He points towards the direction that the princesses of props exited.

BALONEY

“Cute girl? Goshums, Phineas! I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

PHINEAS

“There’s a shocker.”

He flashes a dreamy smile to the audience. Baloney then starts his ‘Imagine’ song.

BALONEY (singing)

“‘I’ is for ‘imagine’! ‘M’ is for ‘me’! ‘A’ is for the letter ‘a’! ‘G’ is for ‘gee’! ‘I’ is for — ‘imagine’! ’N’ is for ‘nice’! ‘E’ is for ‘egad’! We said ‘imagine’ twice! Huh huh ha ha!”

PHINEAS (sarcastically)

“Great song!”

BALONEY

“Thanks! LET’S HUG!”

Baloney runs toward the Flynn-Fletchers but Phineas holds his hands out.

PHINEAS

“Na-a-a-a! Why don’t you just imagine that too, huh?”

Baloney doesn’t take any offense to this.

BALONEY

“Okay! Huh huh huh huh ha! I love me! Yum yum doodle dum! Huh huh huh huh ha!!”

PHINEAS

“Yeah. Well, it’s been fun friend but we have to get back to ‘planet reality’ now.”

Baloney claps his hands.

BALONEY

“Great idea! Let’s play ‘Astronauts in Outer Space’!”

He turns his head to the side and gives himself bunny-ears with his hands. He then starts bouncing around.

BALONEY

“Hello mission control! Huh huh huh huh ha!”

The Flynn-Fletchers quickly zip over to a realistic mission control center. Phineas slips on a headset while Ferb and Candace man the controls.

PHINEAS (sarcastically and happy-ish)

“Hello Baloney! Ha ha ha ha…. Out sensors show that you are out of oxygen!”

FERB

“Good bye.”

CANDACE

“You’ll be remembered as a hero!”

Baloney grabs his own neck actually cutting off his breath while gagging.

BALONEY (scared)

“Maybe we should stop pretending! GAAACK!”

PHINEAS (sarcastic)

“Uh, that could be tough! We have VERY STONG imaginations!”

Baloney grabs Phineas by the lanky shoulders.

BALONEY

“You’re silly! Huh huh huh huh ha!”

PHINEAS

“Yeesh.”

He shoves Baloney away forcefully.

BALONEY

“I know! Let’s make masks and guess who we are!”

He skips over to the Flynn-Fletchers and starts to sing one of his stupid songs.

BALONEY (singing)

“I hold up a mask! Lingy lingy loo! You guess who I am! Lingy lingy loo! Huh huh huh huh ha!”

FERB

“Are we being punished?”

PHINEAS and CANDACE

“Yes. Yes we are.”

They look over at one of the tables and they see Baloney working on his mask. Baloney holds up his finished work to his face. On the mask there’s a crazy grin with a tongue sticking out. A long lost relative of Wakko Warner perhaps?

BALONEY

“Guess who? Huh huh huh huh ha!”

FERB

“Is it…. Abraham Lincoln?”

BALONEY

“Huh huh huh huh ha! No!”

He shows his head to the audience then puts it back.

CANDACE

“Hmmmm… Could it be Nancy Caragin?”

BALONEY

“Huh huh huh huh ha! No!”

He shows his face again. He puts it back when Phineas comes right up to him.

PHINEAS (sarcastically)

“Is it a…. big fat polyester dinosaur who’s the color of an iHop with a paper plate over his face?!?!”

Baloney jumps up taking his mask off.

BALONEY

“NO! IT’S ME! BALONEY!”

THE FLYNN-FLETCHERS (sarcastically)

“You’re kidding!!!”

BALONEY

“Now why don’t you make masks and I guess who you are? Huh huh huh huh ha!”

PHINEAS

“Um, because we’d rather have lunch with the princesses of props?”

Ferb nods in agreement.

A few seconds later, the siblings are working on their masks while Baloney sneaks a peek once in a while. They finish and hold up their surprisingly detailed masks.

BALONEY

“Gee. I don’t know WHO you are!”

PHINEAS

“I’m Gladamire Horowicks!”

CANDACE

“I’m Gertrude Stein!”

FERB

“And I’m Gustav Anvil! Inventor of the anvil!”

BALONEY

“Huh huh huh huh ha! Oh, those were good masks!”

PHINEAS

“Hey! Ferb gave me another idea! Let’s sing the ‘Anvil Song’!”

BALONEY

“Gee, goshums Phineas! I don’t know that one!”

PHINEAS

“Don’t worry! You’ll catch on real quick!”

Candace takes Phineas off to the side.

CANDACE

“Phineas, is our use of falling anvils going to be a bit excessive?”

PHINEAS (flatly)

“Yup.”

CANDACE

“Ok.”

The two walk back over to Ferb.

PHINEAS, FERB and CANDACE

“‘The Anvil Song’!”

Baloney holds his hands up to his face happily. The Flynn-Fletchers starts dancing and singing.

PHINEAS (singing)

“An anvil’s black and shiny!”

CANDACE

“It’s really heavy too!”

FERB

“So watch out my chubby friend!”

P+F+C

“OR ONE WILL FALL ON YOU!”

BALONEY

“On me?! Huh huh huh ha- WAUGH!”

Baloney gets hit by a huge black ACME anvil! The Flynn-Fletchers look pleased at what they just did.

CANDACE

“That wasn’t pretty!”

PHINEAS

“But it HAD to be done!”

They all nod in agreement at each other not noticing Baloney coming back to life. He throws the anvil off his head starling the teens. They run away from him.

BALONEY

“Huh huh huh huh ha! Great song! Huh huh huh huh ha! Neat-o complete-o yippee!”

The Flynn-Fletchers are dressed up as camouflaged soldiers and are holding pairs of binoculars. They’re surrounded by barbed wire and a search light is circling.

FERB (scared)

“IT’S UNSTOPPABLE!!!”

PHINEAS (panicked)

“CALL IN THE NATIONAL GUARDS!!!”

CANDACE

“Or Tanya Harding’s bodyguard!”

BALONEY

“Let’s sing it again! I love-y dove-y loved it!”

The siblings stare at him confused. Their expression change to happiness.

FLYNN-FLETCHERS

“Okay!”

Here we go again! They all start dancing again.

PHINEAS

“It’s made of solid iron!”

CANDACE

“It weighs a ton or two!”

FERB

“We know you want to meet it!”

FLYNN-FLETCHERS

“IT WANTS TO MEET YOU TOO!”

They zip away while Baloney gets crushed once again by an anvil.

BALONEY

“Heh heh heh— WAUGH!”

He comes up from his impression in the floor and pops the anvil off his head. Baloney looks happy (and somewhat scary) even though he’s gone through a lot of pain.

BALONEY

“YAY! Huh huh huh! Let’s do it again!!!”

PHINEAS

“Now it’s gettin’ scary.”

Baloney comes towards them laughing stupidly and stomping his feet causing the Flynn-Fletchers to bounce up and down like an earthquake’s effecting them. He’s inches away about to grab them but then a coo coo clock chimes revealing a drunk-like bird that has the body of Baloney but the head of a roadrunner-like bird.

COO-COO CLOCK BIRD

“Yum yum doodle dum coo coo!”

Baloney stops reaching for the Flynn-Fletchers then faces the clock. His expression quickly changes from scary happiness to a relieving sadness.

BALONEY

“Oh darn! My friendly friend tells me that it’s time for us to go!”

FLYNN-FLETCHERS (sarcastic; perhaps sad because they have to stop torturing Baloney?)

“Awwwwwwww…”

BALONEY

“I know, I know. But we still get to sing the ‘Goodbye Song’! Huh huh huh huh ha!”

They all join hands and start to sing in tune to the ‘Let’s Chase Barney Up A Tree’ song.

ALL

“We love you!”

BALONEY

“I love me!”

FLYNN-FLETCHERS

“He’s a dumb as dumb can be!”

BALONEY

“Yup! Uh huh! Huh huh huh huh ha!”

ALL

“Cause we found a way that we can get along!”

BALONEY

“I stand still —“

ALL

“—for the ‘Anvil Song’!”

The Flynn-Fletchers jump away. Phineas looks ticked off and confident as he cues for something to fall.

BALONEY

“Huh huh huh huh ha—WAUGH!!!!”

Baloney get’s whacked on the head by an ACME anvil!!! For the third time! His upper body springs up and down like a broken accordion. Even though he’s gone through a lot of pain, he laughs happily.

BALONEY

“Huh huh huh huh ha!”

The Flynn-Fletchers, confused, look up at the rafters.

PHINEAS

“Who’s dropping those anvils anyway?”

The camera pans up to see what the siblings are looking at. The princesses and prince of props are up there with an “anvil storage”.

PRINCESS 1

“TAKE US WITH YOU!!!”

PRINCESS 2

“Don’t leave us, PLEASE!”

PRINCE

“FREE US FROM THE LUMPY THING!!!”

ALL

“TAKE US WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!”

The props royalties jump down to land in the Flynn-Fletchers arms. Phineas and Ferb get the princesses, Candace gets the prince.

PHINEAS (slyly)

“Neat-o complete-o yippee!!!”

The siblings kiss the props people with passion. Baloney drunkly comes back onscreen; laughing stupidly with stars circling his orange beat-up head.

BALONEY (drunk-like)

“Huh huh huh huh ha!”

IRIS OUT

THE END!