Under the Mistletoe With Ferb

This is an episode of Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews the song "Mistletoe" by Ferb. He thinks this sounds like a "white guy with an acoustic guitar song" instead of a Christmas song.

Memorable Quotes
Carl: Ah, it's Christmas time! You know, it's my job to beat on overplayed songs, and no songs have been more overplayed than the entire genre of Christmas music.

Heinz: You better watch out, you better not cry....

Carl: No genre has been stagnant, more overdone, more strangling appresive. When you're a kid, "Jingle Bells" may be fun and wonderful, but by the time you're a teen, you would have heard every single Christmas song so many times that even the name "Manhein Steamroller" should get your skin crawling. And what's worse is that there's nothing new to replace it. Except for Vanessa's "All I Want For Christmas is You", there hasn't been a new song on its way to warm into the Christmas classics canon in the past twenty-five years. We desperately need some new songs. But we're going to fix that.

Carl: And so, I present to you, the man who's going to bring this tired, overplayed genre back to life. (coughs, takes out a glass of water, drinks it, and clears his throat) FLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCHEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Ferb: (singing) Shawty is an eenie meenie miney mo lover....

Carl: We last checked in with Ferb Fletcher over a year and a half ago, and even then, he was already the poster child for what was bad in pop music, as well as the scapegoat for everything that had gone wrong in America for the past four years (screen shows a picture of t-shirts that have "(bleep) Ferb Fletcher)" written on them) and also history's greatest monster (a picture of Albert wearing a t-shirt saying "Every $ kills a Ferb Fletcher fan" pops up)

Carl: Anti-Fletcher hysteria was a level not seen since the Red Scare. Poorly spelled insults about the poor kid flooded the internet, (a picture of a Ferb-hater flipping the bird pops up) the backlash has become a phenomenon far worse than Ferb himself could ever be. (screen shows an edited troll picture of Ferb) That was a peak in the tide of Fletcher hatred, which has since been on a downward slide, and as far as I'm concerned, that was a GOOD thing because I remember this same thing happening during the boy band war of the nineties, and trust me, there were no winners in that conflict. Whether you liked them.....

Annotation: omg jeremy is soo hot lol

Carl: Or whether you hated them....

Annotation: pft sux there totally gay lol

Carl: You were probably an idiot, so I'm happy that this kind of thing dialed back. It got very old very quick.

Carl: BUT......

Ferb: Me plus you, imma tell you one time....

Carl: I completely understand where the hatred is coming from. Ferb Fletcher is probably the least likable, least charismatic performer to ever get popular since the days of Irving Stommeling. I despised this little (bleep) before you even did, and I'd probably do it after he's been long forgotten.

Ferb: Let me show you what you're missing, paradise...

Carl: I'm sure it's not entirely his fault, and it's hard to tell his managers that they're doing something wrong when he's clearly selling a lot of records, but I do not understand the decisions to give this poor kid these songs where he has to think he's hot (bleep) when he clearly can't back it up. That's basically all it boils down to: Fletcher's (bleep)s haven't dropped, which is why he's so hateable when he's trying to project confidence, and it's also why "Baby" is both his best and his best known song, because it puts him in a vulnerable position instead of treating him like he's some hot young ladies' man.

Ferb: You know you love me....

Carl: Although he's still pushing it.

Carl: There's no way to get around the fact that he sounds like a KID, not even a teenager, a CHILD, singing about love and other topics which aren't sophisticated or adult by any stretch, but things that sound well beyond his reach. The kid has the suggestive charisma of a Ducky MoMo.

Carl: My plan is to avoid Christmas music as much as possible, and I certainly wasn't planning on reviewing this, but I actually started to get interested in Fletcher's Christmas album ever since I stumbled across his rendition of "Little Drummer Boy". Keep in mind, "Little Drummer Boy" is quite possibly the dreariest, most unmodernized Christmas song of all time, "Twelve Days of Christmas" excepted, and I wasn't expecting much. But I was actually impressed. Not because of Fletcher, but because it features Phineas. PHINEAS of all people, and he gets on the mike and starts doing this thing.

Phineas: (starts rapping)

Carl: (mouth is dropped open)

Phineas: (continues rapping)

Carl: Well, heck, I might have to give it a chance! Well, Fletcher's performance is awful because, surprise, trying to inject soul into "barrump-a-bum-bum" makes you sound like a (bleep). But I happened to notice a very interesting thing about Ferb's performance.

Ferb: (sings "Little Drummer Boy")

Carl: FERB'S VOICE IS FINALLY CHANGING! (an opera starts singing "Hallelujah") Praise Baby Jesus, 'tis a Christmas miracle! No longer do I have to hear intense love songs sung in Ferb's vomit-inducing castrato voice! It hasn't solved all my problems with the little (bleep), but you know what, it's a good freaking start!

Carl: Ferb's new song is called "Mistletoe" and who knows, maybe it might turn out to be listenable.....or maybe it might turn out to be some godawful preteen Kidz Bop (bleep) that he always sings. Hope for the best, expect the worse, I always say. Let's give it a listen.

Ferb: It's the most beautiful time of the year, lights filled with streets spreading so much cheer, I should be out playing in the snow, but imma be under the mistletoe....

Carl:....................

Ferb: I don't wanna miss out on the holiday, but I can't stop staring at your face, I should be playing in the winter snow, but imma be under the mistletoe, with you.....

Carl:..........................This is a white guy with an acoustic guitar song...............THIS IS A WHITE GUY WITH AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR SONG~!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FERB FLETCHER, FERB FREAKING FLETCHER, WORLD'S WHITEST OF WHITE BOYS, DOING AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR SONG! OH, THANK YOU, FLETCHER! TWO OF MY LEAST FAVORITE THINGS IN MUSIC COMBINED! LOOKS LIKE I GOT MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT EARLY!

Carl: Oh my god, this was a possibility that I was not prepared for.

Ferb: Under the mistletoe....

Carl: What the (bleep) is this? This is just Django Brown's "I'm Yours".

Django: (singing) Well you done done me and you bet I felt it....

Carl: Ferb Fletcher made a Christmas song that rips off one of the worst songs I've heard in the past ten years. It's even got the same freaking chords!

Django: Love, love, love....

Ferb: Under the mistletoe...

Carl: Oh my, our young Fletcher is growing up.....into a bro. I weep for this child's future.

Carl: Okay, so Ferb sings about the Christmas things that he's NOT going to do, because he's going to be under the mistletoe with you.... (gags) Well, Ferb knows his audience well. Even Jeremy and the Incidentials weren't this shameless with their Christmas single. They were like, "Woo Christmas yay!" They just loved Christmas. Ferb, meanwhile, takes the holiday and uses it as an excuse to sell kissy-kissy fantasies to his girly-girly fanbase. This is not really a Christmas song, it's a love song awkwardly filled with Christmas references. And yeah, there are a lot of songs about being in love on Christmas, but "All I Want For Christmas is You", "Blue Christmas". "Please Come Home For Christmas", these are all about togetherness and belonging that Christmas is supposed to be about. "Mistletoe", on the other hand, is about making out with Ferb Fletcher. (screen shows Ferb making a kissy face) And if you don't want to make out with Ferb, then this song means NOTHING to you.

Ferb: With you, shawty with you, with you, shawty with you....

Carl: (sarcastically) I guess this song goes to all the Christmas shawtys out there. I think the reason for the Ferb-hatred movement can be traced back to his use of that one word.

Ferb: Shawty with you...

Carl: No matter how old he gets, he's always be far too white and far too British not to use that word properly, although, I don't know if there's a proper use for that word. But more than that, I never want to hear that word used in the context of CHRISTMAS! Christmas.....

Stacy: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...

Carl: Shawty......

Phineas: Shawty, shawty.....

Carl: Christmas.....

Isabella: Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow....

Carl: Shawty.....

Coltrane: Hit it shawty, hit it shawty....

Carl: No, they don't match.

Ferb: Word's on the street Santa's coming tonight, reindeer's flying in the sky so high, I should be making a list I know, but imma be under the mistletoe....

Carl: Okay, (bleep), how old is the narrator of this song supposed to be? This is the first Fletcher song I've ever heard that attempts to deal with the unavoidable fact that he still sounds like a first grader. But I'm not sure that was a better plan than just ignoring it. Is it a good thing that we're constantly reminded that he should be writing to Santa and other age-appropriate things. You know what, maybe it's just me, but when he talks about the Christmas stuff he won't be doing while he tries to win a girl's heart, does he actually seem kinda sad that he's not getting able to do all these things?

Ferb: I should be playing in the winter snow, but imma be under the mistletoe....

Carl: He's trying to sound excited about kissing this girl, but he sounds resigned, like he got dragged along to go to Grandma's house for the holidays. (in a pouty voice) I should be out playing in the snow, but stupid girlfriend made me go kiss her.

Ferb: I should be chillin' with my folks, I know, but imma be under the mistletoe...

Carl: Yeah, you should be doing all those things. And now that I'm thinking about it, you should be singing about these things, too, Fletcher. I get that "mistletoe" and "love" are important parts of Christmas, but this doesn't sound Christmas-sy in any way. It's like he wrote a Christmas song on how he failed to make a Christmas song.

Ferb: The wise men followed a star, the way I followed my heart.....

Carl: Wow, we are stretching the Christmas theme as hard as we possibly can. Let me just stretch it even harder. (sarcastically) Your kiss makes me feel so alive, just like Frosty the Snowman when he came alive when he put on his magical hat.

Ferb: Everyone's gatherin' around the fire, chestnuts roasting like a hot July....

Carl: Yes, no imagery more throughtly conveys the atmosphere of the holiday season than the words "hot July". (a picture of Candace and Stacy at Jeremy's pool party pops up) Heck, I don't even have to bring up that one line of bad writing, the bad writing ruins the entire song. I hear the sleigh bells jingling in the background, but other than that, musically, this fails to communicate the idea of winter. Christmas songs are supposed to have a certain sound to them, right?

Phineas: It's the most wonderful time of the year....

Carl: Yeah, like that, but "Mistletoe" just doesn't sound like that. Who the (bleep) associates this white guy with an acoustic guitar song with the holidays? The only Christmas song that sounds like that is "Mele Kalikimaka", and that's about Christmas in Hawaii, and judging by the video, that's not what they were going for. You can't throw some bells on a song and call it a Christmas song.

("Summer Belongs to You" plays while sleigh bells jingle in the background)

Carl: This just isn't about Christmas in any real way. It just talks about the underdeveloped dreams of hormonal teen girls. That's not what Christmas is about. Christmas is about family, it's about togetherness, it's about giving, it's about peace on Earth and good will towards men, (bleep)! Sorry.....

Carl: If I had one wish for Christmas, it wouldn't be anything like this. It was be about how we should all come together and love each other and understand the true meaning of Christmas. And most of all, (screen shows Ferb smiling in the music video) I wish that Ferb would wipe the stupid smirk off his face. I'm Carl the Intern saying "God bless everyone......except Ferb Fletcher". Goodnight.

(episode ends)

Trivia

 * The creator hates this song.
 * The creator does NOT hate Ferb; Carl does.
 * The reference to Candace and Stacy at Jeremy's pool party is a reference to the episode "De Plane! De Plane!"
 * The creator likes Christmas music, but hates when it's overplayed.