Teleports

Mad scientist: You know what we’re going to do today, Talbo? It’s time to test the teleport! (Flips a switch, causing the teleports to activate. Talbo teleports to the one to the right, only get to singed.) Eureka! Now I can teleport myself anywhere in the world! Talbo: Wouldn’t you have to take one of those teleport things there first? Oh, but then you’d already be there. It kinda renders the whole thing redundant, doesn’t it? Mad scientist: Do you want me to remove your tongue again, Talbo? Eric Braeden: Cool! (turns off TV with the remote) I know what we can do today, Peter. (chuckles while Peter covers his mouth with his hands) No, not the tongue thing. The teleporter. Hunter Tylo: (off screen) Hey, boys. Eric Braeden: Hey, Mom. Peter and I are gonna build a teleport device. Hunter Tylo: Oh, great. I wish to teleport to where my diamond earrings are. I’ve lost them. Eric Braeden: The sparkly blue sapphires or the diamonds? Hunter Tylo: Diamonds. Eric Braeden: Oh, she must be wearing the purple dress. We’ll keep an eye out for ‘em. (to Peter) Come on, Peter. We’re burnin’ daylight. (Montage of Eric and Peter building the teleports. Instrumental version of the theme song plays in the background.) Eric Braeden: Teleports completed! …. Hey, where’s Perry?

 (In Gina’s room…) Gina Tognoni: (sniffs) (record scratch) Ew! (Perry wakes up) You’re not supposed to be here. (Perry chatters) I told Eric and Peter to keep you outta my room. (kicks the bedroom door open as she’s holding Perry) I’m gonna give them a piece of my mind.

(Downstairs…) Gina Tognoni: Mom! Do you know where Eric and Peter are? Hunter Tylo: They’re in the garage, honey. Gina Tognoni: Oh, by the way, Joshua’s gonna be here soon. Please try not to embarrass me in front of him again. Hunter Tylo: What do you mean, again? Gina Tognoni: Remember my senior college graduation with the inflatable – Hunter Tylo: Oh, that’s right. My bad.

 (In the garage…) Eric Braeden: This is a glorious day for mankind. Ready with the camera so we can document it? …. Cheese. Gina Tognoni: How many times have I told you to keep Perry out of my room?! (notices the teleports) What are those? Eric Braeden: Teleports. Pretty cool, huh? Gina Tognoni: You guys are so bus – Aah! (trips on a controller, disappears through one teleport, and appears from the other) Eric Braeden: Cool. It worked. (to Gina) Gina? Are you OK?

{Editor’s Note: Until Perry and Gina switches back, I’m referring Perry in Gina’s body as Perry/Gina and Gina in Perry’s body as Gina/Perry.}

Gina Tognoni/Perry: (pointing at her brothers) Wait a second. How you guys get so big? (gasps) And why is my hand green? (takes a pink mirror from a nearby box) Aahh! I’m an ugly, smelly platypus! I’m a platypus! I’m a platypus! I’m a platypus! Eric Braeden: Amazing. You and Perry going through the teleport at the same time must have switched your brains. Gina Tognoni/Perry: Oh, you think? You guys better change me back now or I’ll… Wait. Joshua’s gonna be here soon! Eric Braeden: Not a problem, sis. We’ll just put you both through the teleporter again. Hey, where’s Perry? Uh, I-I mean Gina. I mean Perry in Gina’s body.

 (Perry/Candace chatters) ♪ Dooby-dooby doo ♪ ♪ Ba dooby-dooby doo ♪ ♪ Ba dooby-dooby doo ♪

(In the backyard…) Eric Braeden: I wonder where he scampered off to. Any ideas, Peter? Melody Thomas Scott: Whatcha doin’? Eric Braeden: Hey, Melody. We built a teleportation device and accidentally switched Gina and Perry’s brains. Melody Thomas Scott: Really? That’s so cool! Gina Tognoni/Perry: You wouldn’t think it was so cool if you smelled like this. Eric Braeden: We’re looking for Perry so we can switch them back to normal. Wanna help? Melody Thomas Scott: You betcha.

 Joseph Mascolo: (off screen) Carl! How many times have I told you, lift the seat when you’re done. Kristen Alderson: (off screen) Sorry! Joseph Mascolo: Oh, there you… Uh-oh. Kristen, I think we have a breach of security. Carl: (off screen) What do you mean, sir? Joseph Mascolo: There’s a teenage girl in here. Kristen Alderson: A teenage girl? (A fedora lands on Perry/Gina’s head.) Joseph Mascolo: Agent P, brilliant disguise!

Kristen Alderson: Man! I thought it was a real girl. (walks away in disappointment) (Perry/Gina chatters) Joseph Mascolo: Now for your mission. Slushy the Clown statues have disappeared all over the Tri-State area. Without that clown, there’s just nothing fun about lunch anymore. Man: (via monitor screen) Hmm? Joseph Mascolo: Kristen and I have lunch at Mr. Slushy Burger every day. ♪ Pickles so green and meat so brown(Carl joins in) ♪ Lunchtime’s fun with Slushy the Clown ♪ We really miss that clown. (sniffles) So, ahem, drop whatever you’re doing and find out what happened to those statues by lunchtime.

Crystal Chappell: Gina? Hey, Gina! Awesome scooter! Hey, wanna come to Slushy Burger with my mom and me? Was that a yes or a no? Jess Walton: I don’t know, but I like the hat. Crystal Chappell: Yeah, it’s a good look for her.

 Gina Tognoni/Perry: Come on, guys! Are you almost done? Joshua’s gonna be here soon. Eric Braeden: Peter’s printing up the last one now. Looks great, Ferb. Gina Tognoni/Perry: (reading from the flyer) "Lost platypus. Looks like a girl"? Why did you use that picture? I don’t want anyone to see me like that. Eric Braeden: That’s the only picture we had. (to Melody) Good job, Melody! Melody: Glad I could help! (Gina/Perry screams) Gina Tognoni/Perry: Now everyone will see that horrible picture! Eric Braeden: OK, Gina, just stay here while we post these around town. We’ll find Perry in no time.

 ♪ Michael Sabatino Incorporated! ♪

♪ Pickles so green and meat so brown ♪ ♪ Lunchtime— ♪ Michael Sabatino: Not any more! (crash) Michael Sabatino: A teenage girl? (Perry/Gina dons the fedora) Michael Sabatino: Perry the teenage girl? (pulls out a controller from his lab coat, pushes the button, and Perry/Candace is trapped in a platypus sized cage) Sorry about the tight fit, but, you know, if I knew you were going to disguise yourself as a teenage girl, I would’ve set a bigger trap. I’m suppose you’re wondering why I have all these clowns, right? Well, you see, I’ve had that Slushy Burger jingle stuck in my head for, like, a week. ♪ Pickles so green and meat so brown ♪ Lunchtime’s fun with Slushy the Clown ♪ Oh, I hate that song so much, I’ve stolen all the clowns, and I’m going to rip their tape boxes out. You know, like you do. I’m going to replace it with my own evil jingle. I just have to finish writing it. I’m having a hard time finding a good rhyme for “evil,” though, you know. Believe me, I’ve tried. Keevil, deevil, feevil… You know, none of these are words.

 Police Officer: You guys lost a platypus? Eric Braeden: Yep. Police Officer: Officer 3323. Tell Charlie we have a 1091P. Yeah, it’s a platypus. Looks like a girl. MIA. …. Don’t worry, boys. After a nice lunch at Mr. Slushy Burger, the Tri-State area’s finest will be on the job.

Eric Braeden: By the way, our mom’s also missing her earrings. Police Officer: Which ones? The dangly topaz or the hoops? Eric Braeden: The hoops. Police Officer: Oh, that’s a shame. We’ll get right on it.

<p style="outline:none0px;-webkit-tap-highlight-color:rgba(0,0,0,0);margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:10px;box-sizing:border-box;color:rgb(68,68,68);font-family:'HelveticaNeue',HelveticaNeue,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:19px;"> Gina Tognoni/Perry: Mom, you won’t believe what Eric and Peter did! Hunter Tylo: What did they do this time? Gina Tognoni/Perry: All you have to do is look at me! (doorbell) Gina Tognoni/Perry: If that’s Joshua, tell him… I’m getting ready. I don’t want him to see me like this. (doorbell) Hunter Tylo: OK, Gina, now what’s so important? …. Hi, Joshua. Joshua Morrow: Hey, Mrs. Tylo. Is Gina here? Hunter Tylo: Oh, she’s still getting ready. You know girls. Have a seat. While you wait, I’ll make you a snack. Joshua Morrow: Oh, hey, Perry. Come up here. How’s my favorite little platypus today? Gina Tognoni/Perry: Ohh, hee-hee-hee-hee. I mean… (tries to imitate Perry’s chatter)

<p style="outline:none0px;-webkit-tap-highlight-color:rgba(0,0,0,0);margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:10px;box-sizing:border-box;color:rgb(68,68,68);font-family:'HelveticaNeue',HelveticaNeue,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:19px;"> Crowd: (reading the billboard) "Lost platypus. Looks like a girl." You know, that’s insulting to the platypus. How are we supposed to tell if it’s a girl?

<p style="outline:none0px;-webkit-tap-highlight-color:rgba(0,0,0,0);margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:10px;box-sizing:border-box;color:rgb(68,68,68);font-family:'HelveticaNeue',HelveticaNeue,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:19px;"> Hunter Tylo: Why don’t you watch some TV while you wait? Oh, hey. I’ve got some great baby movies of Gina. (baby cooing) Hunter Tylo: Ohh! There she is in the bathtub. (bubbles gurgle) Oops! Little bubbles. Gina Tognoni/Perry: (off screen) Mom! Remember what we talked about? My senior college graduation? Hunter Tylo: Senior-college graduation? What is she talking about? Gina Tognoni/Perry: Ugh! (off screen) Just turn off the home movies!

<p style="outline:none0px;-webkit-tap-highlight-color:rgba(0,0,0,0);margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:10px;box-sizing:border-box;color:rgb(68,68,68);font-family:'HelveticaNeue',HelveticaNeue,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:19px;"> Michael Sabatino: Meevil, steevil, cleavil…. As soon as I get this done, lunchtime will never again be fun. Oh, great! There’s a rhyme! There’s a rhyme, but, sure, everything rhymes with “fun.” …. Ha! You don’t have a tail any more. Now you are no match for me! But wait a minute. I-I-I can’t hit a girl. …. Oof! Did you have that purse when you came in? …. Well, I’m out of here. …. What just happened?

<p style="outline:none0px;-webkit-tap-highlight-color:rgba(0,0,0,0);margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:10px;box-sizing:border-box;color:rgb(68,68,68);font-family:'HelveticaNeue',HelveticaNeue,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:19px;"> Hunter Tylo: You’re such a nice boy, Joshua. I can why Gina built a shrine of you in her room. (laughs) Oopsy! I probably should’ve not said that. Thanks for feeding Perry while I look for my earrings. Joshua Morrow: Sure, no problem. …. What’s in this platypus food, anyway? Hunter Tylo: Mostly worms and insect larvae. …. Oh, Perry. Now I have to get the carpet cleaned again. Hey, maybe I lost my earrings while folding Gina’s laundry. Why don’t you help me look while you wait, Joshua? Gina Tognoni/Perry: Am I sweating milk? Being a platypus is so gross!

<p style="outline:none0px;-webkit-tap-highlight-color:rgba(0,0,0,0);margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:10px;box-sizing:border-box;color:rgb(68,68,68);font-family:'HelveticaNeue',HelveticaNeue,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:19px;"> Michael Sabatino: Wait, wait! I can’t-I can’t fight when you’re dressed as a girl. It’s so…como se dice… awkward. …. Look! Shoes on sale! …. Curse you, Perry the teenager! ♪ Agent P ♪

<p style="outline:none0px;-webkit-tap-highlight-color:rgba(0,0,0,0);margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:10px;box-sizing:border-box;color:rgb(68,68,68);font-family:'HelveticaNeue',HelveticaNeue,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:19px;">Male teen: Hey! The girl missing her platypus found Slushy the Clown. Kids: Yay!

<p style="outline:none0px;-webkit-tap-highlight-color:rgba(0,0,0,0);margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:10px;box-sizing:border-box;color:rgb(68,68,68);font-family:'HelveticaNeue',HelveticaNeue,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:19px;"> Gina Tognoni/Perry: This is horrible! Mom is inside, ruining my love life! (Perry/Candace chatters) Eric Braeden: Oh, there you are, Perry. Gina Tognoni/Perry: Great. Change me back now!

<p style="outline:none0px;-webkit-tap-highlight-color:rgba(0,0,0,0);margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:10px;box-sizing:border-box;color:rgb(68,68,68);font-family:'HelveticaNeue',HelveticaNeue,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:19px;">Eric Braeden: So this is how you went through the first time, right? You were holding Perry? Gina Tognoni/Perry: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Hurry! Oh! He’s a lot heavier now. Eric Braeden: I wonder if it worked. Gina Tognoni: You guys are so busted! I’m telling Mom. Peter Bergman: You might consider bathing first.

<p style="outline:none0px;-webkit-tap-highlight-color:rgba(0,0,0,0);margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:10px;box-sizing:border-box;color:rgb(68,68,68);font-family:'HelveticaNeue',HelveticaNeue,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:19px;"> Michael Sabatino: I gotta get out of this! (grunts) Aah! Oh, my old Shrinkinator. I suppose I should’ve unplugged it before I turned it into a planter.

<p style="outline:none0px;-webkit-tap-highlight-color:rgba(0,0,0,0);margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:10px;box-sizing:border-box;color:rgb(68,68,68);font-family:'HelveticaNeue',HelveticaNeue,Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;line-height:19px;"> Gina Tognoni: Come on, Mom, hurry up! (to her brothers) You’re busted. (to Hunter) See, see? It’s right there! Hunter Tylo: Oh, my goodness. Did you make these? Eric Braeden: Uh… yeah. Hunter Tylo: (gasps) These are so much nicer than the ones I lost. (fly buzzes) Eric Braeden: Awesome. Hunter Tylo: Thanks, boys. (to Gina) Close your mouth, honey. You’ll catch flies.