E.L.F. (Script)



Narrator 1: Okay, you have me for some narration. Normally I'd refuse to work for you ever again, but hey, it's Christmas and santa won't give me that pony if I'm naughty.

Narrator 2:' yay!

Narrator : But if you mess this up…I might hurt you. I've been working for too long to have to up with you again.

Narrator 2: I promise to be good, sir.

Narrator 1:Good. Okay, Ah, it's Christmas time. The time year full of happiness, when you aren't getting stepped on at the mall looking for that gift. This is the time of year we worship the great being known as Je-

Censors: AHEM!

Narrator 1: …Santa Claus. He works his butt off giving presents to every kid in the world. Of course, he doesn't do this alone. He has a workshop full of elves to build his toys. But, even the elves can't handle all situations. Sometimes, Santa needs to send a certain team to help with very dangerous tasks. And this Christmas, they will have to face their most daring task yet…okay, there's my narration.

Narrator 2: Very well done sir

Narrator 1: Thank y-wait…you didn't interrupt me!

Narrator 2: Well, you said to be quiet. So I did.

Narrator 1: But…you should have been disobeying! That's how the gag works!

Narrator 2: I was just respecting you. It is Christmas after all

Narrator 1: Well…thanks. So…let's finish up the narration/

/

Narrator 1: Twas the mid afternoon before Christmas eve, and at santa's workship. The elves were busy working, and they simply couldn't stop. However, two elves were working the hardest of all..

Will: Ah, Christmas sure is great. Eh, Zoey?

Zoey: You say that all the time, will. Can't you say something different?

Will: Uh…I like chicken?

Zoey: …Better. Anyway, how long until we go on break?

Will: Well, it should be right about…

Head Elf: BREAK TIME!

Will: There we go!

/

The two elves were not in a different location then before, so that translation was pointless.

Will: Pretty pointless transition, eh?

Zoey: Breaking the fourth wall is so mainstream.

Will: Indeed…so, nice weather isn't it?

Zoey: If you're trying to flirt, you suck at it.

Will: Ya….hey, wanna hear a legend I heard?

Zoey: It's not like I have anything else to do….like live my life.

Will: Well…I hear Santa has a special team of elves.

Zoey: …that's it?

Will: Yea, all I heard is that he has one. Nothing else.

Zoey: I highly doubt there's any time when Santa needs any more elves than the ones he already has.

Will: Come on, with all the weird stuff he has, it's not impossible.

Zoey: Eh, whatever. Believe what you choose to believe. I think it's silly.

Will: That's what the adults who don't think Santa is real say.

Zoey: …Good point. But I don't think this team is real

?: Oh, but it is…

Will: Who's that?

They turned around to see that the figure was….Buford.

Zoey: Hey, you're that kid who tries that one act of kindness thing.

Buford: Yes. Yes I am.

Will: Why are you here?

Buford: Santa was giving me a tour of this place. Don't ask for the details, it's a long story.

Zoey: Okay, so what do you know about this team of elves?

Buford: Quite a bit. Allow me to explain..

Zoey: It's going to be a song, isn't it?

(Buford sings The Elf police.)

Zoey: …Well, that's gonna be in my head all day

Will: See, he looks like a fine kid. He wouldn't be lying about this topic!

Zoey: Okay, it's now 20% more likely to be real.

Will: Okay, we should get back to work now./

Zoey: Indeed!

Santa: Attention Elves, I have some news to share about Christmas this year!

Will: Oh dear, he doesn't do that very often! The last time was a few years ago….when he had to pass the torch to mrs claus for the year!

Zoey: I shudder to think of that year…

Will: This could be really good, or really bad…let's find out!

Santa: Okay elves, I have some news. As you know, I don't do this news thing very often. Even when something bad happens, I try to keep it under wraps. But this year, something happened that I must talk about.

Elves: What is it?

Santa: Allow me to semi-explain…

And…a song started up.

(Santa sings Christmas isn't coming this year )

Will: This can't be!

Zoey: But santa, can't we just track down the guy who did it?

Santa: Normally we could, but somehow our major power has been cut off. I suspect it's the same person who stole the list.

Will: How will we find it?

Santa: We won't. I'm packing it in for this year.

Zoey: But we have to do something! Christmas eve is tomorrow!

Santa: Well, I'd love to hear to a suggestion.

Will: What about….the elf police?

Santa: ..shhhh, I don't anyone hearing!

Will: Is that legend true?

Santa: Yes…it is.

Will: So they can help get the list back!

Santa: Well…I'm not sure.

Zoey: Come on, it's the only way to save Christmas!

Will: Why do you care so much?

Zoey: If Christmas goes under, I'm out of a job.

Santa: Okay…I'll call them to help save chrismas

Will: YAAAAAAAY!

Santa: Okay, now come over to secret santa cave….

/

But enough of that. You came here for Danville. So in the town on daville, everyone was getting ready for the holidays. However, Christmas was not the only special day on certain peoples minds…

Phineas and Ferb were sitting in the backyard, after a good morning on setting up some epic Christmas decorations.

Phineas: Well Ferb, I think this will be the best Christmas yet. Of course I say that every year, but I mean it this time! Though I think there's something else we should be preparing for…I don't know what it is…

Ferb held up a calendar and pointed to December 24th

Phineas: I know December 24th is Christmas eve, ferb

Ferb pointed to tiny type at the bottom of the square

Phineas: It says…Albert's birthday! His birthday is on chrstmas? How lucky! We should do something super special for it. But what?

Ferb: …I got nothing,.

Phineas: Well, I say we go to the one thing that will give us ideas…television

/

Television: Animation Network, which has a live action on it, presents "Grandpa Got ran over by a polar bear" for the 1000the time today!

Phineas: Seen it.

Television: Tonight on some channel, check out the 1000th version of A Christmas carol, or it's a wonderful life, or some crap like that.

Ferb: Nah

Television: Today on Humor Central, check out the roast of Charles Gleen!

Phineas: Roast?

Ferb: A roast is an event in which an individual is subjected to a public presentation of comedic insults, praise, outlandish true and untrue stories the implication being that the roastee is able to take the jokes in good humor and not as serious criticism or insult, and therefore, show their good nature.

Phineas: That was a lot of words, Ferb. But anyway…Hmmmm, …..Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today! Hold a roast for Albert's birthday. This should be fun. Let's get started.

/

Narrator 1: And with that, the two boys started gathering famous people, regardless of how funny they were, to riff on aLbert. They started advertising like mad. With all the noise they were making in the house, they were bound to catch the attention of their sister, who was currently with her best friend…

Narrator 2: Good job.

Narrator 1: …Okay, now the nice act is getting creepy.

/

Candace: Okay, I actually got Jeremy's gift early this year. So no bad sitcom antics will ensue THIS year.

Stacy: Yea….

Candace: Hey, you're not happy OR snarky today. What's the problem?

Stacy: Well, it's Christmas time, and I have a boyfriend. What do you think the problem is?

Candace: Now there's the stacy I know and…like as a friend. But seriously, don't tell me you have that cliché issue I had last year

Stacy: Well, I do. But it's worse. You see, Christmas is…Albert's birthday.

Candace: Wow, how lucky. You know you should-what was that?

Stacy: I didn't hear anything.

Candace: My busting senses are tingling!

Stacy: Oh joy

/

Phineas: Which is weird because crabs don't HAVE uvulas..

Candace: Okay, what are you up to this time?

Phineas: Ohai Candace. We're holding a roast!

Stacy: For who?

Phineas: Albert! His birthday is coming up. So I thought we would host a friendly roast for fun.

Candace: So wait, you're gonna invite all his friends, and me, to make jokes at his expense?

Phineas: That's about the gist of it.

Candace: ….This is perfect! I have so many great jokes I can make!

Phineas: I'm glad you're happy, Candace.

Stacy: So wait…I have to make jokes at his expense?

Phineas: Yes. And it's required that you choose one thing you dislike about albert to make fun. Just don't be too mean. That's the only rule.

Stacy: But….i can't find anything I dislike about him!

Phineas: Well, you have until Christmas eve to find something. That's plenty of time!

Candace: But wait…how will find one…OUT OF SO MANY?

Stacy: This is going to be an interesting Christmas….

/

Back at Santa's workshop, Santa was showing them that cave…

Santa: Okay elves, I present to you, the cave of…the elf police!

Santa took the blindfold, that I never mentioned, and the two elves saw the cave, and the elf police themselves…

Both: Blay'n and Clewn't!

Blay'n: Oh dear, we seem to be busted.

Candace and Vanessa (Off screen): BUSTED!

Santa: It's okay guys, I let them in.

Clewn't: What seems to be the problem, Santa?

Santa: Well, you see, the naughty and nice lists have been stolen.

Both: WHAT?

Santa: Yes, and these two elves, suggested I call you.

Clewn't: But no other elf can know about us, unless they are part of the elf police!

Santa: Which is why Will and Zoey will be temparoy members of the elf police.

Both: WHAT?

Will: I don't know if I want to do this…

Clewn't: Normally I wouldn't want anyone intruding….but that's very cliché.

Blay'n: We don't like to be mainstream

Zoey: I'm starting to like these guys. Do you like obscure indie bands?

Both: Heck yes!

Zoey: Nice.

Santa: So elves, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find who stole the list. I need to get it and check it twice, so I can find who's naughty, or nice.

Will: I don't know if I can do this…but I'll do it anyway!

Santa: Okay elves, head out and find my list!

All: Yes sir!

/

Narrator 1: And so the elf police ran out and went In search of the list theif. They walked about a mile after leaving the workshop, when they saw something quite interesting…

Narrator 2: Do you want me to mess up? You seemed to be uneasy last time..

Narrator 1: I'm fine!

Narrator 2: If you say so…

/

Will: Have we found anything yet?

Blay'n: Actually, yes!

Zoey: it's….'

All: An igloo?

Zoey: I thought this was just a stupid stereotype.

Clewn't: Well, I've seen igloos around here, but never in this exact location.

Will: I think the thief is in there! Why else would a random igloo be here? Clearly they hid here after they stole the list!

Zoey: If I stole the freaking naughty list, I wouldn't hide ONE MILE AWAY!

Will: ….Let's check anyway,.

Blay'n: I guess it wouldn't hurt to politely knock on their door.

Zoey: Fine.

Will: Okay, let's do this. LERORRRRRRRRY JINKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENS.

Zoey: That joke is so mainstream.

Will busted into the igloo.

Will: Freeze!

?: That's not too hard to do out here.

Clewn't: Hey wait….you're…

All: IRVING AND ALBERT?

Albert: Well, it looks like you were right, Elves do exist.

Blay'n: What on earth are you doing out here?

Zoey: Dorking it up, most likely.

Albert: You know us?

Irving: Of course! They work for the guy who writes the naughty and nice lists after all!

Will: Speaking of which, we have a problem…

Clewn't: Someone seems to have stolen the naughty list

Irving and Albert: WHAT?

Will: Yea, long story short: Both lists have been stolen, and Santa called a team called the elf police to help out, and my friend zoey and I tagged along.

Albert: …Buford was right?

Buford (Off Screen): Haw!

Irving: So here's our story: I kept trying to tell albert that santa is real, he didn't believe me, so we went on a road trip here, and we wanted to camp out for the night.

Blay'n: Oh, that makes sense. We're trying to find the guy who stole the list.

Irving: Oh, can we help?

Albert: Uh…I don't know if I wanna do this. I mean, they clearly have this under control. Elves are very smart creatures after all.

Will: We don't like to be called creatures.

Zoey: That's racist!

Albert: Do people have to bring race into everything?

Clewn't: Actually, these two kids could be helpful. Albert has been on the naughty list before,so he knows what goes through a bad kids mind. He might know the motivation behind this theft, and be able to locate the thief.

Irving: What about me?

Blay'm: Well, we have to include you because…the show isn't called The Adventures of Albert and friends.

Irving: *Inhales* …Yay.

Albert: Hope you liked that, bronies.

Zoey: Breaking the fourth wall is still mainstream.

Blay'n: Okay, let's all go find the thief, shall we?

Albert: …well, I guess I'll join you.

Clewn't: Great! We only have a little under a day to find the list before santa makes his run for this year. We need to act fast!

Irving: Oh, this is gonna be good…

Albert: Bah humbug.

/

Narrator 1: While the elves were busying saving Christmas, Stacy hirano was in her room with Candace, dealing with her own problems…

Stacy: I don't know about this, Candace. Can I find something I dislike about him?

Candace: I'm sure you can find something. No one's perfect after all…except for Jeremy of course.

Stacy: So you are allowed to not have an issue with your boyfriend, and I'm not?

Candace: Well, jeremy's not the subject of roast, is he?

Stacy: That's a flimsy reason if you ask me

Candace: I'm trying to cover up my bias, thank you very much

Stacy: Whatever. I need to find one thing I dislike about him

Candace: Well, think about each aspect of him until you find even the smallest flaw.

Stacy: That seems fair. I'll start with his looks….well his hair is sorta blondish…it's...quite….nice.

Candace: Come on, that rats nest?

Stacy: Hey, I think it looks kinda cute.

Candace: Okay, forget the hair. Try lower.

Stacy: CANDACE!

Candace: I meant his face.

Stacy: …oh. Well, there isn't much to say. Those glasses do look rather nice on him of course.

Candace: Okay, we're finding nothing. We need to find a flaw YOU personally find.

Stacy: Sorry, I just like him too much.

Candace: You need to forget this weird wall of perfection that love has set up around him.

Stacy: Only you could come up with that phrase.

Candace: …Indeed. Okay, let's try another part…

/

Narrator 1: Gosh darn it, can't these go on longer? I hate having to narrate every 5 minutes.

Narrator 2: Can't argue with you there.

Narrator 1: Indeed….ANNOY ME DAMN YOU!

Narrator 2: …uh, so the elves and the nerds marched on through the frozen tundra for several hours in search of the thief!

/

Will; We've been looking for hours!

Zoey: We already know that, will

Will: I wasn't telling you I was telling the readers!

Zoey: Not only is it mainstream, it's annoying,.

Albert: We need to find this darn thief fast. Seriously.

Clewn't: Well, I think we should have actually done some detective work instead of blindly going into the cold.

Blay'n: In hindsight, that was a bad idea.

Zoey: Well, this is perfect.

Will: I'm sure we'll find the thief eventually.

Zoey: Well, we need to find SOMETHING to tide us over.

Albert: Well, that will be hard. There's nothing out here but ice and snow!

?: Oh, really?

They turned around to see…

?: Please don't scream .It really hurts my hears.

All: You're….

?:: Yes…I'm the Abominable snowman.

Albert: I thought you were a myth.

Blay'n: Oh hey Abby, what's going on?

Abby: Oh, I've been good. I'm glad I moved away from the hymnals. This place suits my needs more. Plus, the klimpaloon was really getting to me.

Irving: Well, never thought I'd meet you, abby.

Abby: And I never thought a human would meet me without yelling.

Zoey: Oh hey abby, I heard about you before.

Albert: Let me guess, he's actually very nice and humans made up the myth of him being evil?

Abby: That's not entirely true. I've been known to have a…mean streak

Albert: …Okay, so is there anything else we need to know about you?

Abby: Allow me to explain…

All: in song?

Abby: Well… I wasn't planning on it, but since you guys insist

(Music starts)

All: NO!

(Record scratches)

Abby: Aw…. Okay. Well, here it goes…

When I was a wee li'l 'un…

(Music starts)

Albert and Clewn't: (under their breath, spoken) Crap…

(Abby sings Portraying myself in a negative light )

Albert: Does everything need a song?

Irving: Of course! Though that song was…quite creepy

Abby: So do you need to know anything else about me?

Irving: Have you been around the world?

Abby: Well, I went to Pasadena once. Long story, don't ask.

Clewn't: Say Abby, do you where we could find the person who stole the naughty list?

Abby: oh, someone stole the list?

Blay'n : Yes. Perhaps you saw someone come through here?

Abby: Well, I did someone fly above my head earlier. Maybe it was him.'

Will: oh! Where did they go?

Abby: I'm not sure. I don't think they left the area though, they never came back in this direction.

Clewn't: Well, we know the thief is in this area!

Abby: So, does anyone want a snowcone?

Irving: Sure.

All: Eh, why not?

Abby passed around some homemade snowcones.

Abby: I hope you enjoy these.

Irving: …Eh, they're okay.

Abby: …okay?

Zoey: yea, they're alright

Abby: …okay? OKAY? OKAY? OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY?

Will: ….uh, are you mad?

Abby: OKAY? OKAY?

Albert: …should we run?

Abby: OKAY?1 OKAY? OKAY?

Blay'n: Yes. Yes we should.

Abby: OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAy?

/

At lake nose..

Bob Webber: I feel…a disturbance.

/

Back at Stacy's house…

Candace: Okay, so you like his fair, face, stomach, chest, legs, shoes,left kidney, and his personality for lord knows what reason.

Stacy: I just can't do it! I can't find a single flaw with him!

Candace: Well, I found tell you the flaws I notice…but I'm saving it for the roast. I still can't find the one thing I want out of so many..

Stacy: is there one you ditched?

Candace: Yes, but this is fic is only T so I can't mention it.

Stacy: Okay, enough fourth wall jokes.

Candace: Fair enough.

Stacy: I don't know if I will ever be able to find that one flaw..

Candace: okay, why don't you think it over while I go try to think one flaw I can use out of about 9001

Stacy: that would be a good idea. See you later Candace.

Candace: Bye!

Stacy: *sigh* ..

/

A few hours later, stacy was lying in her bed, trying to think of something…

Stacy: it's no use brain, you can't find one thing about albert that sucks

Brain: Like you ever use me anyway!

Stacy: oh shut up!

Brain: Bah humbug.

Stacy: Maybe I'm too lovestruck. Maybe he really is perfect, and I will never find a flaw….ugh, this is hopeless.

Suddenly, the room started to get really cold…

Stacy: …whoa, it just got really cold. How did that happen?

Stacy then heard a strange noise…

Stacy: Wait, it's really cold, I hear a strange noise, I'm unhappy due to something Christmas related…No, it can't be

?: oh, it is

Stacy: ….Candace?

?: No, I'm just a ghost taking the image of her. My actual name is Harley.

Stacy: oh, I get it. Like marley.

Harley: don't explain the joke!

Stacy: Okay, I know how this goes: I will be visited by three ghosts to show me some kind of moral.

Harley: Actually, I'm the only ghost they could book for this evening.

Stacy: Good, I don't have all day you know.

Harley: of course. So anyway, I understand you can't find a flaw with your boyfriend, Albert.

Stacy: …That's this is about? Ghosts are concerned about my love life?

Harley: They couldn't resist doing A Christmas carol spoof. I told them it's been done, but they would not listen.

Stacy: Fair enough. So I'm ready to be shown the past now.

Harley: Now that's the spirit! Pun intended.

Stacy: Let's just get on with this.

Harley: Fine, Mrs pushy.

/

Harley: Here we are!

Stacy: What, no big epic flying scene?

Harley: We're on a budget.

Stacy: Whatever. Just show me this past.

Harley: Good. So, I am about to show the not so distant past.

Stacy: Last Sunday?

Harley: no, last summer.

Stacy: ,ah, I see.

Harley: You see, you've been with albert for a while. However, I am about to show something from before he was with you.

Stacy: oh, this should be fun. I like seeing things I wasn't there for.

Harley: I don't think you'll like this….

Stacy: oh hey, there's albert and irving!


 * CLIP BLOCKED DUE TO COPYRIGHT*

Harley: See, albert did not treat irving very well there.

Stacy: Eh, I can see how you think that, but I think he's just being funny.

Harley: He threatened to hurt him with nunchucks!

Stacy: He wouldn't really do. He's just being….albert, you know?

Harley: …Wow. Okay, if nunchucks doesn't convince you, perhaps this this..


 * CLIP BLOCKED DUE TO COPYRIGHT*

Harley: Damn it, I hate copyright crap. But I think YOU saw it, I hope.

Stacy: I saw it.

Harley: Albert has threated irving with nun chucks AND refused to believe his own brother and dragged him off by his underwear. Now do you see a flaw?

Stacy: Well, that kind of thing isn't too easy to believe. I mean, Candace has been trying to convince linda for a long time. And plus, the underwear thing is…well I'm not sure. I guess it's just a fun way to take him away.

Harley: …Seriously? You don't see the huge flaw he has?

Stacy: Not really. He's fine to me.

Harley: After those two clips, which had nun chuck and underwear pulling, you STILL think he's perfect!

Stacy: Yes.

Harley: …I can't work with you! You are so gosh darn love struck! You can't see obvious flaws just because you love him! I can't convince you! You are impossible!

Stacy: Maybe you can show me the present to-

Harley: No! I'm done with you! I can't help you, you cannot be swayed!

Stacy: But-

Harley: Goodbye!

And with that Stacy woke up in her bed.

Stacy: Whoa! That was a crazy dre-yes I know it was real. Man, even after that I can't find a single flaw! I guess I am too love struck…

Stacy: Wait…THAT'S IT! I think I found the answer to my problem….

/

Back in the frozen north, The elves and nerds had decided that they had been running from abby for too long, and had set up camp for the night.

Albert: Hey, why didn't the narrates …narrate that time?

Narrator 1: I'm lazy.

Albert: Eh, fair enough.

Will: Ah, isn't this nice? A bunch of pals camping outdoors…in the frozen tundra with little food…or water…wow, this isn't nice at all

Blay'n: At least we have each other

Albert: Don't remind me.

Irving: You can stop with the snark albert. It's Christmas time!

Will: He's right. We should try to enjoy each other's company

Albert: I try that with irving. It never works.

Clewn't: Do you WANT to be on the naughty list this year?

Albert: I'm still on the fence about that…

Irving: Come on albert, we should try to be nice.

Will: Yea, I mean, I haven't even properly introduced myself!

Clewn't: Ah, splendid idea. Let's introduce ourselves, and get to know each other better

Albert: eh, sure why not?

Blay'n: great. Well, my name is Blay'n, and I'm an elf.

All: Hello Blay'n!

Blay'n: My age is disclosed, but I'm 2nd in command in the elf police. I've been working for santa for about 50 years, and I joined the elf po-

Clewn't: Don't tell them everything! We're a secret organization!

Irving: I'm an honorary OWCA agent, I'm used to this kind of thing.

Clewn't: oh, you are? Well, tell monogram that agent R is doing fine. He'll know what you mean.

Will: Okay…Well, I'm Will, and I've been working for santa for only 20 years, but I'm still one of the hardest workers, I think.

Zoey: Work hard, or hardly working?

Will: That made no sense in this context.

Zoey: Context is so mainstream

Will: …Indeed. Well, why don't you go up?

Zoey: Fine. My name is Zoey. I've been working for santa for about 20 years. I only took up this job because I was short on money.

Albert: I hear ya, bro

Zoey: don't call me bro.

Will: let me guess, it's soooo mainstream

Zoey: I can do without the snark, thanks/.

Will: I guess it's too mainstream for you

Blay'n: hey, no fighting!

Zoey: Fighting may be mainstream,…but it feels so right!

Will: stop! Let's just have a nice talk.

Zoey: Talking is too mainstream!

Will: you said that to piss me off, didn't you?

Zoey: maybe. What are you gonna do about it?

Albert: ugh, I wish stacy was here…

Will: Who's stacy?

Albert: My girlfriend.

Zoey: …You have a GIRLFRIEND?

Irving: I couldn't believe it either

Blay'n: Ah yes, I know her. Nice person, she is.

Zoey: How did a jerk like you end with a nice person like her?

Albert: I am not a jerk! I mean, I guess I kinda was in, in hindsight. But after I feel in love, and we hooked up…I feel nicer. I don't know, maybe I was nice the whole time, and I'm crazy.

Clewn't: Actually, you were kind of a dick.

Blay'n: Clewn't!

Clewn't: Well, he was! He's been on the naughty list for years. But after he fell in love, he started to think about his jerk-ness, and how it's been affecting his love life. So, he became nice, due to how nice stacy was.

Irving: …Wow Albert, I didn't know..

Albert: …Wow.

Will: Aww, it's nice to see things like this…I'm sorry zoey.

Zoey: ..apologizing is mainstream….but I like it.

Irving: I think this calls for..

All: A song?

Albert: Well, we /are/ at a campfire…we need a song

Irving: I know one! Let's gather 'round the campfire, and sing our campfire

Albert: No! A /Christmas/ song

Irving: ...Let's gather 'round the Christmas fire -

Clewen't: I know one

(They sing Christmas Campfire Song

Just then Albert stood up to dance…when something fell out his pocket.


 * Record Scratch*

Irving: Whoa, let me help you with that

Albert: oh, no thanks, I got it.

Clewn't: Nonsense, allow me.

Clewn't picked up what fell out…a piece of paper.

Clewn't: say, what's this?

Blay'nL I think it's nothing.

But then…the rest of the paper dropped to the ground, and like it all cartoons, it extended to a million miles in a quirky funny fashion

Clewn't: Wait a minute…this says…THE NAUGHTY AND NICE LIST?

All but Albert: what?

M Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWEEST!

All: Get out, M night!

Irving: Albert, YOU stole the list!

Will: How could you?

Zoey: So he's STILL a jerk!

Albert: No, I can explain!

Clewn't: …Okay, explain. I'm nice.

Albert: Okay…for years I've been on the naughty list. But I didn't believe in santa. Whenever coal showed up under the tree, I always thought it was a prank from one of the jerk-y girls at school I always hit on. So I would try to get even with them, and when the news spread that I would always try to be mean to those girls, not many girls wanted me,. Then some serious coal started showing up, and I got worse on them. Eventually, I got used to it and stopped, and people got used to me, so they just picked on for being a nerd, rather than being a jerk. I just didn't like getting coal, and when irving told me he wanted to prove santa existed, this was my chance. When he showed me his workshop, I knew I had no choice. I was nicer this year…but I really didn't want to take any chances. Part of me didn't want to, but this was my life's dream, to do this. So while irving was making the igloo, I hiked over to the workshop and stole the list. I also used to nerdy smarts to shut down all the high tech machines, so they couldn't track me down.

Irving: That's why you were gone for one hour when you said you were just going to the bathroom!

Albert: I'm really sorry. When we were talking…I really regretted doing this. This may seem like a crappy explanation, but I just…wanted to be seen as nice.

Buford (Off Screen): I feel your pain, bro!

Will: I have a confession…I knew albert stole it

All: What?

M Night Shyamalan: WHAT –

All: GET OUT OF HERE!

M Night Shyamalan: Fine! *Cries*

Will: You see, when we first saw albert, I noticed the list sticking out his pocket. I pretty much figured out his entire reasoning behind it. It's simple when you know your stuff. I didn't want to tell you, because I wanted albert to learn a lesson. So I wanted to try to get a decent conversation, but then I decided to piss off zoey, so albert would mention his girlfriend, so it would be him learning the magic of friendship, and thus feel bad.

Zoey: …Dang, that was a good plan.

Will: thanks.

Clewn't: Well, you're shaping up to be a good elf. Infact…would you and your friend like to join the elf police?

Zoey: …That's…underground…little known…and awesome….YES YES YES!

Blay'n: I thought you'd like that.

Will: I'd like that a lot.

Albert: So, what are waiting here for? Let's go give this to santa!

Clewn't: We shall take care of that. In the meantime, we'll send you two home.

Irving: You know, this special seems more albert based then me based..'

Narrator 1: That's what I said! But did the writer listen? No!

Albert: go away, disembodied voice.

Irving: So, let's all go home!

Clewn't: Well, goodbye. And merry Christmas.

Blay'n: And happy birthday, albert!

And with that, they used their elf magic to teleport them away

Zoey: You know will, you're pretty cool.

Will: Cool-ness is too mainstream

Zoey: ..You're mocking me, aren't you?

/

Narrator 1: The next day everyone started on their Christmas stuff. They did last minute shopping, watched some Christmas movies, and got everything ready for old saint nick. But later that day, it was time for the big roast of Albert…

/

Phineas: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the roast of Albert Stommeling. Yes, that name is fanon, but I don't care.

Albert: Wow, a roast. I did not see this coming. Well, I've always wanted to be made fun in a way that doesn't make me mad. This should be fun!

Meanwhile, backstage…

Candace: So stacy, do you have everything ready?

Stacy: Oh yes, Candace. I finally found something to use!

Candace: Well, good luck out there…I mean it.

/

Narrator 1: And so the roast began. People went on an roasted albert like a friend turkey. I won't go into the boring details, but everyone had fun. Albert cracked many smiles, and even laughed. He had learned what it means to be nice. But then, it was time. First, Candace went up…

Phineas: and next up, Candace Flynn!

Albert: oh, THIS should be good. She always has good insults.

Candace: okay albert, you are…..no, that's a big too mean. Your face is….no, still too mean. Oh, your mom is…no, too cliché. Oh, your d-….no, too dirty.

Phineas: Uh, Candace, do you want to back down from this?

Candace: no, I got this! So…albert….i can't think of one! They're all too mean. That…and they aren't….really jokes.

Phineas: oh, well too bad.. you may be dismissed, Candace.

Cancace: dang it.

Candace stomped off.

Phineas: And now for the final roaster, Albert's girlfriend, stacy Hirano! I'd make a joke about that fact….but I think stacy will provide the jokes.

Stacy Hirano: So, I'm albert's girlfriend. Sure we haven't been together very long, but it's more than kim kardashian can say.


 * audience laughs*

Stacy Hirano: yes, that joke is overused, but hey it's the best I can do. Anyway, so I'm the girlfriend of albert. That's one sentence I never thought I'd say. But hey, if Friedberg and Seltzer can get movies green light, anything is possible!


 * audience laughs*

Stacy Hirano: So albert really likes me. Some may say he likes me too much, but that's nothing compared to me. I mean, if albert robbed bank, I'd just say he was just being assertive with his loans!

Audience: eh, that was okay.

Narrator 1: Stacy had found her joke, and she found that sometimes, you have to make fun of yourself….

/

As little bit later…

Albert: Well, that was a fun little roast.

Candace: I can't believe I didn't find a good joke…

Albert: it's okay, I already know how much you hate me. No need to sugar coat it.

Candace: Whaever.

Albert: So stacy…that was a cool thing you did. I mean, I thought you really would be one of those love struck people and can't find a flaw in me. But you knew to make fun of yourself. It was….sweet, I guess.

Stacy: Thanks. Merry Christmas eve….and happy birthday. *Cliché kiss*

Irving: Enough of that jazz, it's party time!

Narrator 1: and with that, they all partied until their party muscles were sore…

Narrator 2: …Can I narrate now?

Narrator 1: …yes. Yes you can

Narrator 2: …really?

Narrator 1: Sure. It's Christmas, after all.

Narrator 2: Yay! And so Santa went on his trip, as planned. Everyone got their gifts. Irving received a new pair of FABOULUS green glasses. Albert got a new pair of safety nunchucks…Made of styrofoam…And with a Hello Kitty symbol on them

Albert: Who gave me THIS?

Stacy: …sorry. It's for your own safety.

Narrator 2: And Stacy received shoes. And everyone else got something I don't feel liking mentioning, It was a very mery Christmas at all

Narrator 1: You're not so bad after all.

Narrator 2: …Thanks. Merry Christmas, narrator 1.

Narrator 1: …You're welcome. Merry Christmas to you too.

Both: And a happy new year!

Zoey: New Year's is so mainstream

END OF EPISODE 14