Vanessa's Big Fail

This is an episode for Carl's Pop Song Reviews. Carl reviews the movie "Glitter", which was Vanessa's first and last attempt at having an acting career. Carl finds many things wrong with this movie, despite being a Vanessa fanboy.

Memorable Quotes
Carl: My name is Carl, and I am a Vanessa Doofenshmirtz fan.

(screen shows various videos with Vanessa singing)

Carl: I know that people always think Vanessa is overrated, but I don't. She is the best singer ever! All her songs are amazing, and once I heard she starred in a movie, I immediately knew that I had to watch it.

Carl: Let's begin watching the movie.

(screen shows Charlene Doofenshmirtz singing)

Carl:...Gosh, what happened to Vanessa? Why does she look like this? Oh yeah, that's Vanessa's mom. Okay, so Vanessa's mom is a drunk bar singer who has to raise her daughter alone because her husband walked out on her. Somehow, she is allowed to bring Vanessa to the bar to sing with her.

Vanessa: (at age 10, singing extremely badly) Me, myself, and I, don't see eye to eye....

Lisa Simpson: (singing) I'm the saddest kid in grade two...

Carl: Anyway, because Vanessa's mom is an alcoholic, she loses custody of her daughter, and Vanessa and her platypus are sent to an orphanage. (scene shows young Vanessa and young Perry walking into an orphange. Young Candace and young Stacy, who are also there, watch them.) I'm sure that when Vanessa grows up, she's going to write songs about being abandoned at a young age, since after all, this is a musical movie.

Annotation: NO! THAT SCENE DIDN'T AFFECT HER LIFE AT ALL!

Carl: Then why is it there?

(screen shows a grown up Vanessa, Candace, and Stacy dancing inappropriately at a club.)

Carl: Whoa, what happened to these innocent little girls!? Anyway, Baljeet, a record dealer, wants the girls to be backup singers for his protege, Lindana. Unfortunately, Lindana sucks at singing.

Baljeet: Okay, let's hear Vanessa sing.

Vanessa: (singing) I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun...

Carl: So, anyway, Baljeet asks Lindana to lip-sync to Vanessa, and Vanessa goes along with it because, why the (bleep) not?

Carl: Later, Lindana is asked to perform her song at a club for this DJ named Johnny. Johnny, thinking that Lindana is a good singer, tries to flirt with her.

Johnny: Wow, you really stole the show tonight.

Carl: Speaking of stealing the show, Vanessa steals the spotlight by blowing her cover.

Vanessa: (singing) I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun...

Carl: Impressed, Johnny decides to speak to Vanessa. He later signs her to a label so her singing career can take off.

Johnny: Vanessa, I was wondering, would you like to have dinner with me so we can talk about your music?

Vanessa: Sure!

Carl: So anyway, Vanessa goes on this date.

Candace: Is Johnny asking you on a date?

Vanessa: It's not a date.

(Later at the dinner)

Vanessa: (in a dumb voice) Johnny?

Johnny: Yes?

Vanessa:...Is this a date?

Carl: After the date, Johnny takes Vanessa to his house....this can't possibly be leading to where I think it's leading to...

Johnny: (starts playing the marimbas)

Vanessa: (randomly kisses Johnny. They both end up doing....stuff)

Carl: ....Did he just woo Vanessa by playing the marimbas!? How do you impress girls by playing the marimbas? There are instruments to woo girls, the piano, the guitar, the saxaphone...but the marimbas? Really!?

Carl: Later, Vanessa finds things that her mother gave her.

Vanessa: This is my mother (gives a picture of Charlene to Johnny)

Carl: Vanessa Doofenshmirtz, vocal range of eight octaves, emotional range of a grapefruit.

Carl: So, anyway, the record company wants Vanessa to shoot a music video for her new single.

(scene shows Vanessa singing with Candace and Stacy dancing badly in the background)

Director: Cut, cut! The dancers are ruining this!

Stacy: (to Candace) You have to swing your hips more!

Director: Okay, let's get rid of these dancers.

Vanessa: Where are my friends?

Johnny: They went home, but we got some new dancers.

Carl: So, Vanessa shoots the music video, but because the directors want her to look a certain way, she feels very uncomfortable. (scene shows Vanessa, who is wearing nothing but her underwear, awkwardly singing while these guys dance around her)

Director: Okay, cut!

Vanessa: (runs off the stage, looking upset)

Carl: I think we're going to know what happens next. As Vanessa becomes more famous, she loses touch with her friends, and she is forced to do things that she doesn't want to do.

Annotation: NO! THAT SCENE DIDN'T AFFECT HER AT ALL!

Carl: ........

TBC