Excellent Reasons to be an Idiot



1: I Am (Train)

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“I still can’t believe we did that!” Phineas laughed into the phone. “Candace…you looked so freaking…just…” Now he couldn’t stop chuckling for the life of him. “Oh my gosh…!”

“You looked like you were going to kill him.” Irving finished for him from his phone.

In the center of the whole party-line, one could hear Candace trying to fume and hold back her amusement at the same time.

“I admit,” She finally spoke, letting a few giggles pass, “I thought I was going to have to!” And there was laughter all around.

“Wait, wait.” Ferb suddenly cut in, sounding just a bit indignant. “What about me? I wasn’t irritating enough to kill?”

And the laughter came again in a double-dose.

“I really am proud of you, though.” Candace finally admitted. “I mean, you could do all that when you were just kids…and now you’ve set it all aside. It’s not like I’m not proud that you could do it in the first place! It’s just…you know…I couldn’t imagine just giving that up after all those adventures.”

“You gave up your obsessive impulses!” Albert called out from behind her, and the phone lines barely picked it up. Candace whipped around for a moment to glare at him.

“Don’t make me kill you!” She exclaimed.

“My apologies.”

“Some things don’t change, I guess…” Baljeet muttered.

“Like your inability to keep time, fuzzhead!” Buford cried as he checked his watch. “You got five minutes to pick up that bread and make it over here to the reception before I bury you alive, cream-face! My cousin’s only gettin’ married once.” Baljeet paled.

“I am sorry that my car axle broke!” He exclaimed.

“Oh yeah? How long’s it been fixed?”

“…Three days…fine, I will be there in a moment.” Baljeet sighed and hung up. Buford followed a second later.

“Who brings bread to a reception?” Irving asked.

“I did!” Candace exclaimed. “Remember? I put it near the lime-green bag?” Now Irving paled.

“We thought that was kindling…” He admitted sheepishly. “Well okay gotta go bye people!” And on that note, he hung up before Candace could berate him.

Candace sighed.

“Well, I gotta go, too. Talk to you later.”

Hung up.

“G’night.” Ferb spoke casually and returned the phone to its place on the receiver.

Phineas put his phone down last. He couldn’t help but think about what Candace had said. What if he hadn’t stopped all the inventing? Had his life been better back then than it was right now? He tried to imagine himself holding a discussion with the same little ten-year-olds about how he’d put down this life to dedicate it to work and helping to support a family of three.

He probably would’ve broken their hearts right in front of them.

Phineas swiveled back around in his chair so that he faced his desk again. Gently prying open one of the drawers, he selected a small paper, folded and yellowing and frayed all through the ages. He unfolded this bucket list for about the seventh time that week. Forty-four items in all. And how many had he checked off? Seven! A meager seven! A list of all the (ludicrous) things he’d hoped to do before he turned seventeen, devised the summer before he turned five, before he met Ferb, and how many were gone? Seven.

“Daddy?” A sweet little voice near the door snapped his train of thought in half. Glancing over his shoulder, Phineas saw two of his favorite people behind the threshold.

“What’cha been DO-in’?” Colleen had picked up this small habit from her mother, who still tended to use the phrase.

“Nothing much.” Phineas grinned and stood, then swooping down to embrace the four-year-old. Standing back up, he met Isabella in the eyes. “What about you two?”

“She gets cuter every day, I’m telling you.” She gripped his shoulder with joy. “Colleen, baby, sing that song you learned for your daddy.”

“Bow-chicka-bow-wow! Das what my baby says! Mow-mow-mow, n’ my heart starts pumpin’!” The girl sang with pure enthusiasm and the most adorable volume. Phineas couldn’t believe it.

“Where on Earth did you hear that?” He exclaimed, chuckling at the same time.

“On the T.V., Daddy—Hey! You interrupted!” And, after regaining her place after being so ungraciously thrown off, she continued her recital.

Could Phineas’ life have ever been better than it was right now?

He decided, no, no it could not.

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2: Irreplaceable (Beyoncé)

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Stacy wasn’t the problem herself.

No, no. Stacy was one of the sweetest people in the world, and she was adorable with a good humor to her to boot.

The problem was that Albert and Candace had to get the project done by Wednesday, and Stacy had brought with her, every night, for the past three weeks, a new male friend. And every night, for the past three weeks, a new male would leave her house early and never be allowed back again.

Tonight was no different.

Albert pulled a pillow over his ears, grimacing as the argumentative shrieks continued. Candace gritted her teeth and forced half the pillow from his grip, covering her ears with it as well, so that they were beneath it with their heads right next to each other.

“YOU’D BETTER GO!”

“MAYBE I WILL!”

“THEN HURRY UP! No, no, wait! I insist I call you a taxi!”

“How polite of you.”

“Yes, I’m just as NICE AS YOU WERE—DON’T JUST WALK AWAY WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!”

“Please…kill…me…” Albert muttered. Candace groaned.

How could Stacy not find anybody? She usually had better luck than this, and she was a good enough person to get it. How was she attracting—and in turn, giving—such disputes?

Whatever it was, the boy-of-the-day was now halted by the front door, calling back up the stairs.

“You know, you’ll never find another one like me.”

Stacy coughed in disbelief.

“I could find another guy like you in one minute!” She exclaimed as she descended the stairs, giving him one final shove out the door.

“Oh, REALLY?” He crossed his arms.

“Yep!” And with that, the door slammed in his face.

Stacy sighed heavily and returned to the couch where her best friend sat with Albert. Slowly and silently, tears began to fall from her eyes. With the eraser of her pencil, Candace quickly wiped them away.

“It’s okay…you know, maybe Jeremy could help us find someone…Stacy, come on…”

Albert simply grunted his sympathy and buried his nose back into the novel they were to study, and all the while, he couldn’t help but think that Stacy could find another man like the previous is less than thirty seconds.